Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

[hiddenite]

I know but I just can't manage even the car doesn't feel isolating enough. Such a stupid thing to have to do. The more I try to be in society the worse the triggers, flashbacks, anxiety become. Then the dark stuff. 

I just don't belong anywhere, waste of space a parasite on society. Wasted my life.

Sorry don't want to bring you down too. No wonder no one wants to be around me....

[CherryBomb]

Remember, just because you think certain things 'I'm a waste of space' and 'no one wants to be around me'. Doesn't mean that it's real. We like having you on the Forums, and you're NOT a waste of space here. We care about you. 

When you spend time in your car, do you drive somewhere?

[CherryBomb]

P.S. I actually posted a photo of stones that I have beside my bed, but it didn't work for some reason. So I just edited my last post, so feel free to have a look them. I they're pretty, don't ya think?

[hiddenite]

They are nice awesome that you can put a photo on. My computer knowledge doesn't run to fancy stuff like that.

I normally walk 10 km in the morning then go bush, as far away as possible. I know its not healthy but I just don't know what to do.

Unmarked bush track so I can't be found.

There are lots of negative stuff I can say about that but I won't bore you with the details.

Worried that people will judge me for the strange things I'm doing

[CherryBomb]

Glad you think they're nice. I saw that you like Jasper and and angelite too? Can you tell me about those?

I think walking 10kms is pretty healthy! I'm not sure if many people do that. 

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I don't want to minimse your experience, but at the same time I also would like to get to know YOU. We are not just our MI. While it is a part of us, it doesn't have to define us. There's plenty more to us, than MI - sometimes this is easy to forget when symptoms are all so consuming. So if you're up to it, I'd love to hear more about you.

- favourite television show ever? 

- Dream job?

- Dream skill?

[Alessandra1992]

Hmm @hiddenite, it sounds as though you are judging yourself for doing strange things. Why do you think that is?
I am wondering if you would like confirmation as to whether what you are doing is strange? I don't think it is strange but I do think it may be unsafe for you. Especially with hot weather..please take lots of water with you, wherever you go...
I know I am nagging, but isolation hasn't worked for you in the past, so it may not work for you now..
The great thing is you are staying connected online...and you are reaching out to us, and other services too..I am mystified that a CATT tram has said they will contact you in a week. Please call VMIAC, Victorian Mental Illness Awareness Council and ask them to advocate for you..
www.vmiac.org.au

[hiddenite]

Red Jasper is a strong protection stone,stabilizing emotions. It protects you from things that are not good for you, and eases emotional stresses. Gives you courage to speak out and help with personal Independence. It also protects from fears in the night. Helps balance emotional energy in the body.

Angelite helps you speak the truth and to be more compassionate and accepting, especially of things that cannot be changed, it promotes the feeling of tranquility and peace. It's supposed to help with psychological pain. It is a beautiful baby blue color.

[hiddenite]

I'll have to think about the questions because I've never allowed myself to dream. Its always being about getting through  another day. I do like the big bang theory.

[hiddenite]

Hi Sandy

I'm my own worst enemy, I've taken over punishing myself from him.

I have to sleep with my clothes on, and a packed bag next to me. Cannot go through closed doors, if I'm in a room I have to have an escape plan, can't be around people, scared of everything, where I go in the bush is pats of that escape plan, my way out, so no its not a healthy thing to do.

No nothing is working for me now, so shut down.

Really scare of that meeting with the cat team, I feel I have my back against a wall...no way out. If I don't go they will call the police... But I have no idea how I can manage to get there. No win win...

[CherryBomb]

Dreams are good things to have. Sometimes they can seem like so far away, but I like to break them down into very tiny steps - makes me feel like i've achieved something that way. I'm so happy that you're thinking about the questions I've asked. 

Big Bang Theory? It sounds like you might be interested in science? What do you find most appealing about the show? I ask because I always wonder what draws people's attention to particular things, it usually says something about their interests. For instance, 'I like My Kitchen Rules'. I think I just like watching different personalities - I find people interesting, and I love cooking.

Enjoying getting to you know.