Despair

[hiddenite]

No he died, but I failed to prevent it.  I'm so scared, hurt and in so much pain I don't know how to live in a world that I haven't been part of for so long. 

I am not very good with technology, something I'm tying to work out. Never having a computer or internet access before.

I cannot be around people, unable to make phone calls, go to strange places. Don't feel safe anywhere. That's why I isolate myself in my car.

Everything scares me easily startled, not good with noise, just a waste of space.

I have contacted suicide call back, I feel that I'm just wasting their time.

Each time I reach out for help it means reliving the trauma only to be told I cannot be helped. Devastating....... Feel so worthless...

I really don't know what I'm doing wrong....

It must be me because I have tried so many different places and people.

Even my gp doesn't understand why. 

If I try to get help I'm scared of being rejected again and I know it will tip the scales again.

Thanks NikNik I've got the numbers.

[Alessandra1992]

@hiddenite, I admire you all the more, for finding us online..you're obviously a quick learner with mobile phones..I have trouble typing on the touchscreen.
Understand the feeling of not wanting to be around other people.
Hoping your GP keeps advocating for you to get help...and please use the numbers Nik's given you, you are worth it..

[NikNik]

@hiddennite

It's heartbreaking to read about your experiences. No one deserves to go through what you are going through.

@Alessandra1992 hit the nail on the head when she described you as brave. Being brave isn't about feeling great and always feeling positive, brave is when you're at the lowest point and you still get up.

You have done that by coming here and also calling Suicide Call Back service. You aren't wasting their or our time - it's what we are here for and what SCB is here for.

Is there anything that you can do to look after yourself tonight, whether that be a distraction (reading etc) or using Lifeline chat - whatever works for you?

We will be here too 🙂

[NikNik]

PS: You seem to be doing well with the whole internet thing. I'm glad you have found these forums and seem to using them well.

I'm not sure if you have used Lifeline crisis chat before.. but just to reassure you, it's quite easy to use and if you have troubles, someone from lifeline can explain it over the phone.

[hiddenite]

Thanks for the hug I really need that about now. 

Hard typing while shaking all the time.

I'm finding this sight really difficult because of the pictures of the men. Sorry men are a trigger. I'm sorry I don't want to offend anyone, I can answer posts from men...... Just the picture so stupid....

That's how pathetic I am.

Need to find something to hold on to when I want to let go.

I appreciate your help

[Alessandra1992]

You're not alone about the picture..I think that's popped up in the feedback section of the forum.you're not pathetic either...
I don't see the picture often as I tend to click through posts using back button...
Stay strong @hiddenite, shaking is pretty hard yakka...

[NikNik]

Not pathetic at all.. it's a natural reaction.

@Alessandra1992 is a pro at those virtual hugs!

We'll be here for a few more hours tonight, if chatting would be helpful?

[hiddenite]

I find it hard to believe that other people feel the same things as me I just feel like a freak.

Have to go to bed with my clothes on, have to have a bag packed next to the bed. Unable to go through a closed door. If I'm in a room I have to have a way out.... Always have to have a way out. I'm sure no one else is like this. An escape plan of sorts.

Today is the anniversary of him horribly violating me. Didn't fight just let it happen....

I deserved it...

Things are so dark

[Alessandra1992]

Sounds very sane to me given what you have been through..
Please don't underestimate yourself..what you did was stay alive.. And not fighting may have been the key..
And no, you didn't deserve it..
No one can ever predict how they will react in traumatic circumstances. Some people talk about fight or flight, and forget freeze..which also is not in our control..

[NikNik]

Anniversaries are the worst. Of course that's going to be incredibly triggering for you.

Sadly, what you do is very common for those who have experienced abuse. It's your unconscious survival skills kicking in. That's what us humans do to cope and survive.

Some of the things that people who have been abused experience include;

-low self esteem
-difficulty in forming/maintaining relationships
-anxiety
-self degradation
-chronic stress
-uncontrolled or rapid anger response
-memory loss
-loss of concentration or productivity
-self-abusive behaviour
-frequent crying
-passivity
-unusual fear response
-increased watchfulness
-sleep disturbances
-phobias
-depression
-eating disorders
-obsessive compulsive disorder
-suicidal thoughts
-post-traumatic stress disorder
-dissociation

What happened to you is not okay. You didn't cause the pain you are going through, and you do/did not deserve it.

Have you spoken to anyone from the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service? You can contact them on 1800 737 732 (24/7)

They will have a good understanding of what you are experiencing and perhaps can offer some new advice/referrals.

They also have online counselling if talking on the phone is a bit too much. You can find their online counselling: https://www.1800respect.org.au/telephone-and-online-counselling/#online

Like I said, It's not you who caused this, and you definitely don't deserve it.