Depressed

[Amy101]

I feel I never fit in anywhere, I have a hobby joined a singing group, but in the few years I've been to there  I only made one, what I thought was a genuine friendship, however recently that person has stopped speaking to me, this person constantly talks bout others behind their backs and I wonder now what they must have been saying bout me all this time, as each time I have heard them say something about someone I don't react by I try changing the subject, because I don't like hearing gossip bout others.

The person won't speak to me because I won't send them footage of me singing that was videoed at a night out, I only had it recorded so I could show my vocal coach to critique I tried to explain that I hadn't even shown the recording to any other friends or relatives, I didn't even watch it myself I just took it to my next lesson then deleted it.

I have had depression for years and have been doing well for almost over a decade now, with no hospital stints, havn't is even self harmed, very long  time, but now I'm feeling quite low. 

I don't want to die but when I heard a sad song yesterday, I did catch myself fantasizing about my own funeral and how at peace I'd be if I weren't here.

I'm trying to remain strong. I do have support but I still feel very alone within myself.

I don't think anyone understands depression or anxiety until they have been through it, 

I seem to find it difficult to make new friends, but don't understand why,  I have a long term friends some friends I  have go way back to the 80's  when in primary school, but can't seem to make new friends, I'm very kind and thoughtful even the person I  mentioned that seems to have ghosted me,  I made sure they had people to spend the festive seaso with people, even put on a surprise party for them when it was their birthday , because if I'm someone's friend I'll go all out to help I'm just that kinda person. 

I did try saying to  that person I hadn't do anything wrong but they made a remark to the effect of wait till the dust settles??. but I hadn't done anything wrong for the dust to settle??  I don't have understand.??

[tyme]

Hey @Amy101 ,

You are certainly not alone. I hear how hard this must be for you, and the thoughts you have have been so hard to sit with.

Do you have people you can talk to about what's going on?

It's great to see you reach out here to connect to like minded people.

I can certainly say that the thoughts you have shared have certainly been part of my life too.

I look forward to hearing from you.

[Glisten]

@Amy101 you got Gaslit. 
You are 💯 % correct. What you are describing are the actions of a coercive control abuser/predator. Or someone who takes pleasure in a nasty bully.

Their own self esteem is so low, that it makes them feel to attack someone else.

It’s your brain’s 🧠 way of saying “recognise the warning signs. This person is toxic”.

Any group who tolerates this behaviour, are not your people.

Amy, you have done really well and you deserve better.

[MJG017]

Hi @Amy101 

You're definitely not alone in this.  I think you should trust your instincts about his person.  If they were talking about others behind their backs, then it would seem safe to assume that they were doing the same with you.  And then as soon as you didn't agree to one of their requests, you're in the bad books!

From my own past, I think that when we do find someone we feel is (or could be) a good friend, we tend to ignore or not see things because we so badly want it to turn out.  I don't have many friends either, and the couple I do have also go back to school in the 80s.  I've never figured out why it's been so hard either.  I sort of put it down to my low self confidence/esteem either puts people of or give them the wrong impression of me.  I really don't know.  I think it was easier to make good friends at school because we were with them every day for years... we grew up with them, so they got to know us like no one else has.  Maybe if we're more introverted, less confident it takes a lot longer to get to know us well enough and people these days just don't have enough patience anymore.  Again, i really don't know.  I also think after long enough we start to develop trust issues with people, that it must be an issue with us so we need to maintain some distance to hide these 'problems'.

I do know it just eats away at you and is exhausting in so many ways.  The one thing I do know now is that people how have been through similar things tend to make the best friends because they don't take people for granted and will be the kindest, most understanding people you will meet.  Like you said about that surprise party you threw.  If anyone did that for me, I would be so touched and grateful they did that for me and greatly appreciate it and gain that trust that it's not so much of a one-way relationship like so many that I thought were friendships turned out to be.

I like to say that if a person is the one questioning what they did wrong, then it probably wasn't them that was wrong.  The fact they are questioning it shows a level of self-awareness, compassion and empathy that usually means they weren't the ones who were wrong.

I do understand how much of a loss this friendship must feel like, they all hurt.  But you lost a person who cared only about themselves and they lost a friend who would have gone out their way for them and would have always had their back.  It's not a solution to finding friends, but i think it allows us to change how we see ourselves and makes us more willing to find like minded people to form connections with and those people are more likely to value what we bring and reciprocate.  Then things can start to improve. 

[Amy101]

Hello Tyme,
Thank you so much for your response.

Firstly I'm sorry to hear that you go have gone through the same thoughts and I hope that things are improving in the direction of positivity.

In answer to your question, yes I do have people who are supportive who I can talk to thanks for asking, much appreciated.

From Amy101

I hope

[Amy101]

Hi Glisten,
Thank you so much for your use message you are right I think that person is controlling and toxic. I'm starting to feel better and that they have the problem within themselves that it's not me and that I don't deserve a toxic so called friend around me . Thanks again
From Amy101

[Amy101]

Hi, MJGO17
Firatly thank you for your message.

I'm.sorry that you too find it difficult to make friends, I can understand what your saying about self esteem, perhaps that's the case with me, maybe people can see through the happy face I put on I don't know, sometimes I try not to take things personally but I can't help that I just think people don't like me.

I thought about what you stated that I'd lost a person who shoed innthe end that they cared only for themselves and were not greatful for the positive things I done for them, don't get me wrong I don't expect someone to keep thanking me but it just seemed that they were unappreciating of anything I did.

I will from here on not waste my time worrying about the supposed friendship I had with that person I hope that there comes a time that they realize what good kind friend I was, I don't need toxic people innmy life and neither do you, perhaps the long term friendships made many years ago is all we need. The strange thing is that person has gone through alot themselves so I'd have thought they'd value friendship.

Thanks again and take care .