Cutting out a friend -> reframe -> letting go of unhelpful relationships

[Gillie1]

A friend of mine crossed boundaries in a way that had a major impact on me. It made a horrible situation so much worse for me. I know she didn't intend harm in fact she probably thought she was doing good, and I know she was influenced by others but I have lost the ability to feel safe around her.

The difficult thing is that I'm always so careful to respect her boundaries whether they are the same as mine or not.

She is a good person but takes a lot of energy to be around and it is sometimes exhausting to talk with her.

I just don't have the energy, trust or desire to spend time with her any longer.

I don't know how to handle the situation as she has her own mental health journey. I feel guilty for not wanting to talk with her anymore.

She rang up this afternoon and I just rejected her call. I don't want to ghost her but don't know how to handle the situation respectfully. Any tips on what to do would be greatly appreciated.

[tyme]

Hey there @Gillie1 ,

It sounds like a rock in a hard place, eh?

Relationships can be awesome at times and rocky at other times. 

With experience, I've learnt that open communication is key to relationships. 

Have you tried being open to her and letting her know how her crossing boundaries has affected you?

[amber22]

Hey there @Gillie1 

I'm sorry that you're in this situation at the moment, it is a really challenging thing to go through and the way that you're feeling is so valid ❤️

The best thing to do in situations like this (from my personal experience) is to let the person know how you feel. That way they have some space to explain themselves whilst also getting to understand your point of view and why you feel the way that you do (even if they may not have intended to hurt you in the first place, you can reinstate your boundaries and possibly move forward with a better and more conscious friendship if you want to). 

However, if you don't want to move forward with the friendship as you mentioned that sometimes it isn't exactly the right space for you, then I think it would still be beneficial to explain how you're feeling so that they are aware for any other situations similar to this and would know how to better communicate themselves. 

That is totally up to you though as sometimes the most beneficial conversations are also the hardest to have, and sometimes we aren't up for them at that point in our journey.

Sending hugs,

Amber22

[Gillie1]

I'm scared of being open with her as I don't feel like she would be honest with me and I'm exhausted from people not being honest with me.

I'm even anxious about giving myself time to consider things as I feel like if I wait I'll just accept the situation and continue in an unhealthy situation.

I know she doesn't comprehend the damage that interaction had when I was in an already fractured state and I don't know that she can.

I just know that right now I don't see a way forward, I need time so I don't make things worse even though that is scary too. I don't know what to say right now.

[Former-Member]

If you no longer click it may be wise to walk away. The universe abhors a vacuum and you will be able to move on and make better quality friendships.  Your friend sounded toxic and you have tried to minimise the impact of her by spending less time in her company. Its a situation of the devil you know vs. the devil you don't know. If you are able to live temporarily with uncertainty and doubt and moving forward to making new connections that is what I would do.  I would just send her an e-mail to cut it off if its too confronting to discuss it over the phone. You will be ok. You have every right to feel this way but if she makes you feel toxic being around her yes I would cut it off @Gillie1  

[Gillie1]

@Former-Member 

Thanks for the input and there's something to be said for breaking off a friendship that isn't going to be a long-term benefit to my life. 

At the same time I am not one to cut someone automatically in difficult times. It helped to vent I just need to take time to consolidate how I feel with what I think and express it.

[Former-Member]

I hope you work it out @Gillie1 am happy to be a sounding board.  Sometimes its hard to be around someones energies such that we have to take these people only in small doses. Its difficult breaking something off especially if we wonder how we will make new friends and sometimes that poses a daunting task. You could maybe see less off her as you start getting out and socialising more? Anyway whatever you choose its got to sit well with how you feel about things and what is fitting for your situation.  Good luck! ❤️

[Flotsam]

@Gillie1 

It is a really hard situation to handle, so it’s good you are thinking about yourself and your boundaries as well as their possible reaction and consequences. 

Do they know they crossed a boundary? If not a really frank conversation might make your relationship much better. If they do, maybe just tell them (even a text) you need some time away from them. 

You need to do what is right for you for now. Mental health struggles make friendships harder. 

[StanD]

Hi @Gillie1 

Sorry to hear your mental battles about your friend. I think it's wise to reach out here & try to understand your thoughts & it takes courage. Well done.

I'm in weird place after a very exhaustive day, so maybe take my perspective as a person who is seeing the heaviness in life right now.

It's great to discuss these things. Personally, I wouldn't take anyone's advice about moving on etc etc 

Ironical - my advice.

From what I'm reading, it's a choice about inaction vs action. Both same outcome. Mentally distressing, as though this friend has locked you in & controlling the setup.

Yes, she may be nice person, unaware how she has deeply affected you, & you may be too kind to ghost her, or this guess against your morals etc. Maybe like me, you prefer to avoid confrontation & 'go with the flow'.

Is there part of you that doesn't really want to cut her out?

... More internal battles...

I found a good quote the other day, I will link.

I'm yet to accomplish this in my own life...EASY

☮️ TO U 

 

[Gillie1]

@StanD 
it's a hard situation all round. For her to be honest with me she would have to break a confidence with someone else, but for our friendship to work I'd need that. I'd need to also talk to her about why it had such a profound impact on me, and I don't have the capacity to be that vulnerable right now. After not hearing from her for days she has called 3 times today the last time I answered and she asked to come over, I said no. Maybe for now I'll just ask for space and see where things go.