Contamination thoughts

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I find my phone to be a good distraction. I can get lost in my own world.

I often struggle with intrusive thoughts while studying. I’m doing my best to avoid getting those intrusive thoughts by distracting myself with non-productive stuff. I’m not even sure how to break free from it

[Jynx]

@creative_writer oh for sure, it's like a love-hate relationship... Or a 'addicted-resentful' relationship? Like I don't wanna live without my phone but I hate that I don't 🤣

Hmm... yeah that's make it hard to focus, for sure. Does mindfulness help you in these situations?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it is very much a addicted-resentful relationship 😂

I honestly find it hard to block the thoughts. I know I’m trying too hard to get rid of the thoughts. I just find sitting with the thoughts difficult. I am guilty of gaslighting myself

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Hmm maybe that's the issue darlin! Ever heard the phrase, 'What we resist, persists'? Mindfulness isn't about blocking the thoughts it's about letting them come n go like waves in an ocean, and not attaching meaning or emotion to them, just letting them be.

Are you noticing that in yourself tonight, the gaslighting? If it would help, more than happy to unpack it together?

Sending you some gentle hugs darlin 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx trying to not think about it makes you think about it more. Yet, my instinct I try to push it. I know I’ll need to face it as I always do.

I invalidate my emotions since my emotions were invalidated growing up. I obsess over conforming to the norm because I feel like I’ll be accepted by others that way

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah that's exactly what I'm saying hun, the goal for mindfulness isn't 'try not to think about it', but more like 'I'm thinking about it, but I'm just observing it, and it's okay to have these thoughts, cos they're just thoughts.'

What does it look like for you to 'face it'?

Hmm... do you have some like, rebuttals (for want of a better word, lol) for these invalidating thoughts? Some affirmations or something that gives evidence to the contrary?

How is 'conforming to the norm' working out for you so far?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it's hard sitting with it, if one grew up being told to not think about things and stay "positive". I suppose my uncomfortable emotions was too much baggage for others. I learnt sweep emotions underneath the rug. Doing that probably hasn't helped with chronic pain. It probably has played a role in past self-harm, staying busy and spending habits. People tell you to do things to get rid of emotions. Family can play a role in how we express emotions or cope with them. I'm drawn to bandaid solutions even if they are not helpful in the long term.

I know that it is okay to struggle at times. I think I get too caught up being who others want me to be. Rejection is hard, it triggers trauma of not belonging anywhere. I have bad RSD. I think my brain finds it hard to believe that another human being could accept me for me. Affirmations can feel sort of fake, but I know they can help. It probably makes more sense to talk to the younger me than the adult me

[creative_writer]

I find myself repeatedly listening to a song about SH. While I haven't SH for a while, a part of me is wondering whether I've been listening to it because deep down I want to do it. SH is so much easier than reaching for help. It's a bandaid solution and makes things easier in the short term even though I know it makes things harder in the long run. I think my brain anticipates rejection by reaching out for help and nor do I like being a burden. My baggage is only mine to carry.

I'm safe for now. I am just at the point of thinking about what I can do to self-harm

[Ru-bee]

Hi @creative_writer I'm hearing this is a tough morning grappling with these thoughts.

I know how easy it is to fall into those thoughts that stop us from reaching out so I want to assure you: You are not a burden. Reaching out, especially to services that are designed exactly for these times is not being a burden. You do not need to carry this alone, there are others to help shoulder some of that weight.

You've already shown a lot of strength in reaching out here, could you keep that ball rolling and reach out to a support service for a chat and some help in managing these thoughts? 

Maybe even a smaller step to get things moving could be to turn this song off if you haven't already?

What you do reckon?

[creative_writer]

@Ru-bee 

I've moved on to 8D music, it's probably a good thing there is not a 8D version of the SH song. They say 8D music can be soothing, particularly for those of us who are ND. 

I've connected to Lifeline chat service, so it's just just waiting from here. I hope the SANE chat service is up again soon, feel far too stimulated to call up and talk. The music drives me insane when the same beats repeat again and again. Don't get me wrong SANE helpline has been really helpful for me in the past and the counsellors are so professional, getting past the music is the hard part