I finally have my Psychologist appointment today, been looking forward to it since my sisters first attempt and really looking forward to it since the second.
I had my procedure on Wednesday, by Friday I was in a lot of pain. Went to GP as surgeon was closed, The doctor did some movement checks, u know side to side, up and down etc, I did quite poorly at this. They checking for a potential infection in my spine, which sounds like a lot of fun. I have my doubts but it would attribute to the amount of pain Im in. They did give me some pretty awesome pain killers, with everything else Im on though I just sleep, they only gave me 10 so I cant just take them willy nilly.
If I take my meds Im asleep, if Im awake Im groggy and if Im neither Im still basically a rock on a log doing nothing but looking odd. I cant help with pretty much anything. Dad is trying to maintain the house, see my sister and my Mum. I know what that feels like to do that on your own and I really want to help him but I cant.
Im really keen to talk about my sisters two suicide attempts, in particular finding her the second time. I cant get that image out of my head. Its like one of those Vimeos in my head, 5 seconds long and on repeat. She was in her room when I found her and I walk past it to get to my room which means everytme I go to bed I get a reminder, everytime I have a shower, etc a reminder. But I dont even need to walk past it just happpen, ill be having a smoke, nice and quite and BAM video on repeat. Even watching TV Im having it
My Mum is in hospital too. She keeps having falls, 8 in 3 days. They have checked her heart again, she has heart issus and in heart failure. She has an acquired brain injury as well. She is supposed to maintain 1.5ltr liquid intake but nothing can convince me she is, which means her legs swell and ends up with fluid on her lungs.
So I spoke to my Psychologist, tried to talk about the reoccuing vision of finding my sister but ended up centering on the attempt. Im less and less interested in the attempts now. I mean their bad and I feel bad for her but she is where she needs to be.
We did talk about the delusions and not being able to tell if the world is real, the cracks to other worlds that I thought I should jump into, that my parents were imposters and othrs werent real, she said I had had a psychotic break but thats as much as she went into. Both parents just brushed it off.
I dont know that Ill be posting much in the next few days unless a thought pops into my mind, though my brain isnt really top notch most the time. Added to which Im asleep a heap. So dont panic, Im still around just sitting like a rock on a log.
