Anger

[Gillie1]

Anger is an emotion. Anger happens when you feel unsafe when someone threatens your health and well-being.  Anger is like any emotion if you don't give it space and validation it consumes you. 

Anger becomes toxic when you don't have a healthy outlet for it. If it doesn't create change. 

I internalize my anger when it gets out of my capacity to manage it. It leads to suicidal impulses self harm self criticism self hatred but am working on assertiveness. 

Other people use their anger to attack verbally physically attack someone's reputation lie maliciously. 

I have been trained from a young age that anger as an emotion is not alright. 

I am incredibly angry and am very clear that I will not take it out on one person. Two people. A group of people, or society. That is my choice. I am in a situation where I could. I could follow through with criminal charges on someone but it won't change anything so I choose not to. I could stay angry at individuals in the system who have harmed me but that won't help me get the help I need. I have regularly let situations go because the consequences of reporting people is not fair on them considering their intentions. 

But I am still incredibly angry at life,  systems, agencies, experiences. That takes time to process. That takes energy. That takes finding a feeling of safety again. That takes recognition of my faults and flaws. That takes forgiveness of myself and others.

Forgiving myself for what I have done to myself and the impact of that on the people who care.

Forgiving others for not one what they have done and not done but for not listening when I sought help. Forgiving others for assumptions and accusations. 

That takes acceptance time validation and love. 

It also takes making a stand and calling out people who's behavior is holding me back. That I can do whether anyone listens is up to them. It is their choice. The act of calling it out not attacking not expecting an outcome just calling it is enough to change my internal anger to something more healthy. 

Anger without action is poison Acting out of anger is poison. 

I'm not holding onto my anger.  I'm not denying my anger. I'm working hard to not feed my anger. 

It just is today. 

[hanami]

Thank you for sharing that @Gillie1 . I hope it helps to write down your thoughts on anger. It's a powerful emotion indeed. 

Keep reaching out, 

Hanami

[Gillie1]

I am leaving the forums @hanami which is part of why I am feeling so angry today because I find it really helpful and positive as a network butMk333 is right. I can't be open honest and frank if people use it for ammunition. It is not a safe space to just be my messed up self in and explore issues with other people as equals. 

I want to thank you guys for being there.

All the best. 

[Emergence]

Hey @Gillie1 , I really love and respect your writing here. I'm really sorry to hear about your issues with the forums which I wasn't aware of.