@Jynx I remember asking my mums' sister and my favourite aunt how I was as a child when we first arrived back in WA. My aunt said I was a joy to have around and she loved having me over to stay. On the flip side, mum said I was demanding, and that I made her life difficult.
Bro got to go to Cubs, then Scouts and then Navy Reserve Cadets, I was never encouraged to join any outside activities. I did dance for about months but mum told me she couldn't afford the costumes so that went by the wayside.
It's only as an adult that I learned the disparity between my brother and I, as a kid I had a terrific upbringing and was very happy.
Being a child of divorced parents in the 70's, my brother and I were the only children in the entire school who came from a "broken" home. My schoolmates would invite me over but as soon as they asked their parents I was turned away and told "XX can't play today, she has to look after her baby brother." or "UU can't play, she has too much homework."
It wasn't until I was an adult that I found out the reason I wasn't able to play with my friends after school.
Mum did her best. She was newly divorced, struggling to make ends meet and keep an obnoxious and unruly son in check and discipline me when required. I was by no means a perfect child that's for sure!
Unfortunately being put last has become a pattern I know all too well. I don't do well at weddings, it is very triggering for me considering I was engaged twice and the second time I had even ordered the dress, invitations and we'd placed a deposit on the venue. My ex cheated on me and as I got older I would attend a wedding and be very envious to the point of crying.
My cousins' wedding was the last wedding I went to ("gently" persuaded by mother to attend) and I did start crying. Mum patted my hand and I thought she might actually has sympathy for me. No, instead she left me to look after my cousins' kids. She walked past me, stroller in tow and the other kid holding her hand and she looked at me, then continued walking. I ended up leaving and went back to the hotel we were staying at and cried myself to sleep. The next morning mum told me how embarrassed she was and that she didn't know what to say when people asked where I was.
When she wants to be particularly cruel she tells me I have the same (bad) traits as my dad. The split was not amicable and I swear mum still harbours resentment.
I don't have anyone to talk to as I don't have any friends. My oldest friend is like Switzerland and will never stick up for me so I don't bother talking to her anymore.
I do wonder what my purpose is because surely life shouldn't be as sh*tty and painful as this is. And I get annoyed when people tell me that there are people worse off than me. It doesn't help that's for sure!
Anyway, if you're still reading this run on of words thank you. I hope you have a nice evening Jynxy, and a weekend as beautiful as you are xo 😍
