Anger

[Shaz51]

Question 3:

What are signs that anger and frustration are coming on? How does anger and frustration feel physically in your body?

@cloudcore 

I can feel it welling up inside me 

my thoughts in my head goes 100 miles an hours , I then start sweating, getting teary   heating up until I end up saying something or leaving 

if I don`t say something , I will dream that I have yelled and acreamed at whatever upset me 

after that I feel soo bad in my body and head for going off and and start putting me down 

[JungleGiants]

@cloudcore for me anger arrived pretty quick, as a reaction to something, but the effects can take awhile to stop. My heart starts racing and im filled with energy, almost like an elevated feeling, in the extreme cases. 

[mum12]

When anger appears in my way of dealing with situations, I feel frustrated, unheard, provoked and unloved. The situations are very similar, or I view them as such. A person may begin the blaming game, Frustration sets in as I say to myself," not again, I don't know what he/she wants or where it is. " When I answer, " I don't know what you are talking about" then the unheard, feelings set in. My voice gets louder and the situation escalates to dislike and frustration.

We have spoken about this many times but it happens often. What to do to fix this ?????

[cloudcore]

It's great to see the self-awareness in all of your responses! Anger can definitely be a hard emotion to feel freely, it can lead to some really unpleasant physical sensations like tension (as you many of you have described). 

I can physically feel tense and hot/sweaty too. My face get's flushed, my heart pounds and then at times I get a slight ringing in my ears and my eyes can sting (from tears). It can be an extremely exhausting experience that leaves me feeling numb afterwards.

Thank you for your responses @Eve7 @Arizona @Snowie @Wattle3 @NatureLover @SJT63 @Owen45 @RedHorse @BPDSurvivor @utopia @BlueBay @Shaz51 @JungleGiants @mum12 

[cloudcore]

Final Question:

How do you manage and cope with anger?

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@Eve7 @Arizona @Snowie @Wattle3 @NatureLover @SJT63 @Owen45 @RedHorse @BPDSurvivor @utopia @BlueBay @Shaz51 @JungleGiants @mum12 

[Snowie]

How I manage and cope with anger @cloudcore 

It depends if I can control it or not. Sometimes I can and other times it gets out of control.

If it gets out of control I normally blame myself and sometimes even self harm. 

Others was I cope with it is:

Have a good cry

Write things down and then rip up the paper

Do some deep breathing

Take some prn

Go for a walk

Play with my dog

[cloudcore]

Thank you for being so honest and open @Snowie , self harm was a coping strategy for me when I was angry and also deeply hurting. It allowed me to release a lot that energy, and in a way, punish myself for feeling so intensely.

I try to give myself the freedom and space to feel angry and hurt now, and forgive myself for feeling so out of control at times. It has really changed how quickly anger passes and how managable it feels. I manage and cope with anger now through having a good cry, writing things down and ripping it up, and screaming into pillows (usually 2 to really muffle the noise). It can be really tough at times though, so I understand 

[Arizona]

How do I manage and cope with anger?

I can see that my meditation practice (and mindfulness) has been very helpful with managing my emotions. Anger isn't a problem for me like it used to be. I don't get as angry as I used to and my anger doesn't last as long.

Things that help with my anger are:

Expressing how I feel

Writing about it 

Talking about it with someone 

My meditation practice (mindfulness)

Acceptance 

Self compassion

Exercise

[SJT63]

How to I manage and cope with anger......

maybe I don't cope, maybe I swallow it and let it eat away at me ........ I used to think I was really good at letting go of negativity but my reserves are depleted.

I am not in a position to vent my anger at the source, because it would have a devastating affect on him and on our relationship.

I write. A lot. I write here and many of you will have read my detailed posts when the wheels fall off at chez SJT. I also journal and I write long emails that I never send. I used to think I was really good at letting go of things but now I'm not so sure.

Because I feel angry a lot of the time these days I have elevated levels of cortisole which are affecting my physical health. I'm trying to deal with that as best I can, and not always winning.

What I know for sure, is that if he would stop getting angry about things I wouldn't get angry back at him. He is doing his best, and I'm rarely in the firing line these days about lost objects or faulty software but the big things... well things he thinks are big things.... if he could just understand that staring at me with hate filled eyes and shouting feels like the anger is directed towards me, even when it's not... or if I could learn that it's not me he's angry with.... easy in theory but not so easy in practice.

Walking away just makes it worse, because the anger is then re-directed at me for not paying attention. 

I suppose it is progress for me in that I don't take on the guilt and responsibility for what triggers him, and that knowing my response is more anger than fear these days means I'm more in touch with my own feelings.

More than anything else though, I would like permission to express my own anger when appropriate. He will promise to do something (like dishes) and then when I get home he hasn't done them. That's not what makes me angry. What makes me angry is that I'm then in trouble if I just get on and do them myself. I would like to be able to call him out and say "well you promised to do them and you didn't so shut up and let me get on with it". That would make me feel better in the moment, but the fall out for the next two hours with either rage or depression just isn't worth it. 

Just thinking about it is making me angry now and tears are welling up as I sit at my desk at work.

I can't give myself permission to be angry so I don't manage it and I don't cope with it. 

Sorry.

[TideisTurning]

Hey @SJT63, that sounds really tough not only to navigate but to manage as well! What you're describing sounds a little like contagious anger. Many emotions, anger included, can be contagious and that can be really tough to deal with, and resist the tempations to respond with anger also.

I imagine it'd be incredibly frustrating to feel like you can't express that. I'm sorry to hear you've struggled to find a way to release that anger, because that's important! So I guess this is permission to let it out and release it in a way that will work and be safe for you with your circumstances.  I'm wondering if any of the outlets others have shared that work for them, like exercise or writing it down and ripping it up, may be helpful for you?