paradigm shift…

[sadboyhours]

CW: pet loss

Well I’ve been away for a while but it’s nice to come back not feeling so bad. Not long after my last post I had a course of ECT which has given me my longest ever period out of hospital, and kept me largely stable.

In fact, I’ve been so stable that I’m booked to do an intensive trauma inpatient program in April, 4 weeks of (hopefully) digging in and doing the work. My PTSD symptoms have been on the back burner for a long time, because bipolar was constantly attacking me, and every time I tried to poke at any trauma I would spiral out of control. 

BUT. This week my rabbit died. He was totally fine, then within 2 hours he had a total central nervous system shutdown. I’ve been seriously struggling since then and I’m scared it’s going to undo everything. I haven’t been sleeping properly, nothing is appealing to me, I can’t do things that normally make me feel better because I’m just out of energy.

I really hope this is temporary because I’ve been enjoying bouncing back after shitty things like a ‘normal’ person. I’ve never experienced such a prolonged period of actually being able to cope with things and having moods, not mood episodes. I also don’t want to jeopardise my planned admission.

Curious if anyone has had ‘maintenance’ ECT, maybe as an outpatient? What else do you do to keep well when things are easier?

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @sadboyhours - it's lovely to have you back!

Firstly, I want to acknowledge you and your ability to bounce back and gain stability after a long period without it.

Secondly, I'm sorry to hear that your rabbit passed this week. I can understand your fears around unravelling all the work done thus far, but I also want to encourage you to just take the time to chill, process, and rest. If you don't have the energy to do the things that normally make you feel better - it's OK.. I know for me in these times, I need to listen to my body and if it's saying "HEY I HAVE NO ENERGY, STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME DO THIS THING I USUALLY ENJOY" ... I'm like, okay mate, what do you need? And usually it says "I just want to be a lump of clay on the couch" - we have to let ourselves sometimes do just that if that is what we need.

I hope that made sense, and sorry for the caps lock.. I was in flow 😛

Lastly, I hope our community members have some strategies for you around 'maintenance' after ECT.

To me it sounds like you have some goals planned for yourself, such as completing the program and maintaining the healthy balance between coping and having moods, rather than mood episodes.

All the best for the inpatient program coming up, you got this!

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

[SkySeeker22]

@sadboyhours 

I'm so sorry to hear about your rabbit.  Also, well done on all the positive steps you are making in your recovery.  Its understandable that the grief and loss you are experiencing is effecting your life and I totally get your concern about how this may impact all the steps forward you have made recently. 

I can't comment on ECT or outpatient options for this, but in answer to your other question about keeping well when things are easier...

Firstly - let yourself grieve.  Some people don't really understand the importance and impact animals can have on our lives and well being.Your rabbit meant a lot to you.  Its only natural  for this to impact your life at the moment.  I think the key is to recognise what you need and that this is part of the grieving process, and just focus on that for the moment.

Second - it sounds like your lack of sleep is impacting your daily life.  Have you experienced sleep issues in the past?   If so what did you do at this time to assist with sleep?  Is there something that you can revisit here? 

Or can you think of something that may make sleep a bit easier for you - background/white noise, a warm bath or shower before bed, turning off electronic devices well before bedtime to give you brain time to wind down?

Third - keeping well to me means nourishing my mind and body.  I often think to myself what does my body need today or what does my brain need.  This often differs from day to day, but sometimes it might be a walk outside or at the beach, or simply eating something different or yummy.  For my brain perhaps Suduko or (when that ends up a jumbled mess of numbers on a page) listening to a podcast on a topic that interests me. 

I hope this has helped you in some way and again, I'm sorry for the loss of your rabbit.

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[RoseGeranium]

@sadboyhours Congratulations at your longest stay out of hospital!  Clearly the ECT is working out really well for you.  I don't have any experience with that or ECT maintenance therapy myself.

I had guinea pigs die in a really similar way after a massive change in temperature from one day to the next.  They didn't cope with it at all, the poor little things.

I'm guessing that working on your trauma could be put on hold for just a little bit to allow yourself to grieve?  That may be too much too soon if so.  If it must be worked on, a plan may help.

Personally, when I feel crap, I plan out the next 2-4 weeks of my life.  It helps me to have some semblance of control over chaos when I can see what I plan to do next, when and how.  I also map out my life socially & when I plan to do chores or errands so it's not all swimming in my head. Do you think that might be helpful leading up to your next planned admission?  Would that help you to sleep a bit easier?

In terms of sleep, you can get white or brown noise on Spotify or YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqzGzwTY-6w

One friend of mine can ONLY sleep thanks to this form of ASMR - I had no idea how much I missed this until I played it again:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELFWMkr6Z5Y

Much love,

xo Rose.

[Jasper_123]

Hi @sadboyhours - I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your pet rabbit. It's important to feel your grief and to remember your pet. Have you done anything to grieve the loss? To remember your pet? 

When I have been doing well and am then triggered I do my best to focus on the things I have control over and to return to the basics, this meaning: doing my best to improve my chances for good sleep, eating healthy (as I can manage, sometimes that's adding veggies to instant noodles), reaching out to supports.