having a bad morning

[Decadian]

Hi @BlueBay

@Faith-and-Hope and @Appleblossom have said some great things - it is spoiling what you would prefer to be a great time - having a holiday with your husband - you have so many issues going on in your head right now - it is just plain full-time working it out and this is so painful for you

I remember going to a movie with a friend who was a bit of a miser - and the movie was terrible - and so I got up and started to leave - and told my friend I thought the movie was horrible and he didn't like it but wanted his money's worth - and I told him I had my money's worth and seeing as we were there in my car - we left then - together - and so I told him about the theory of "our money's worth" - and forever since that day I think if you are having a rotten time - you have had your money's worth - and for all the trouble paying for this - I am so sorry - but it is really over for you - you are in too much deep water with all that is happening with your therapy - and yes - you do need that right now

I am seeing a psychologist under Medicare - and when I have had my 6 visits I might get another 4 - she is moving back to Sydney - so I have planned to see her more often and complete what I am doing with her and then see how I go before I use my medical insurance extras to pay for someone else

However - I see my doctor twice a week if I can - I need to because of my medication - and already Medicare is paying for most of my medical and psychological appointments - so I am wondering with you where you are regarding medicare - because to me it seems really important that you keep these appointments - you are working so hard there I have to think you are breaking out of that shell - like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly - and you really do need to make that a priority

I don't know how it goes seeing a psychiatrist - it's a long time since I saw one - but those visits were always paid by Medicare

So - my point here is that your life is so tough for you right now - trying to enjoy something is not going to happen easily - you are in deep water - and I hope you can keep seeing the psyche and your own doctor is back and you can see him - what - on Friday this week or next week

In the meantime - take those 20 minute nail-biting, tear-shedding moments - and try and ease up on the financial head-banging. Life is hard enough - and tying yourself in knots is really hurting - I can see

And I also know that all of this is easier said than done and I will have you in my best thoughts

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Hi @Decadian
I am going to cut back on my CBT therapist. I will stay with my therapist who I have seen for the past 5 yrs. I can't afford seeing both. And with my psych I pay the difference after the bill goes to Medicare so I don't have to pay upfront. Seeing him tomorrow when I get back from hols.
I know I feel like I'm sinking. I have enjoyed my time away at times. But it's PMT time and I've been so shitty with hubby.
We had a nice afternoon. I know he worries about money as well but he doesn't talk.

For now I'll enjoy our last night away and be ready for work on Friday.

Hoping it won't be too stressful on Friday.
Thank you for your support. It really helps me. Xx

[BlueBay]

How do I cut back my stress. Ok so I have to work, at the moment no choice. I was hoping to have cut back an extra day but not now.
We would like to sell our home and downsize in land. So this week we are going to get an appraisal from an agent.
Depression, anxiety BPD - how do I move forward. I'm currently swimming and staying afloat with my issues but just. I was crying in the toilet before thinking how the f###k am I ever going to get better.
I'm over it. Over the therapy over crying over having no parents who love me. My parents will never make peace with me they (or my mum) will expect me to make the peace. And after making peace once and hurt a second time I will not. But their my parents. Oh shit it's so hard.
I can't wait to see my psych tonight. I am so bloody emotional negative thoughts taking over again.
I just want a rest from all of this. But I won't get it.

[eth]

Hi @BlueBay  I seem to remember you saying that when you are at work it takes your mind off all this and you are able to focus and enjoy helping people.  I hope for you to have one of the days like this to pass the hours until you see your psych doctor at the end of the day.  Sending you my best wishes.

Did you end up enjoying your last night of the holiday?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Despite feeling the way you do at the moment @BlueBay it sounds like you are doing some good planning for reducing your financial pressures.  That is all really positive, so you are making progress.  

Keep looking forwards not backwards.  

Just take today as it comes, and as @eth says, you know you enjoy helping people at work, so dry your tears for a few hours and just live in those moments, looking for little pieces of joy as you go.  Maybe they are pieces of joy you are handing out to others as you help them, but they benefit you in the giving of them too.

Before you know it, it will be time for your psych doctor appointment.

💐

[BlueBay]

Hi guys

we are back and home again.  Our kelpie dog was so excited to see us, she was crying and couldn't give me enough licks and hugs!!!

The house is clean so that is a good thing, the kids were great.  My daughter (24) is like me, a little mother hen and was keeping things in order with the boys!!!

Resting now, catching up on the mail that came in and cooking lasagna for dinner.  Seeing my psych at 5pm which will be interesting.  I'm going to tell him how bad our finances are and how anxious, worried, scared and emotional I am.

i feel embarassed and ashamed in telling him that but i need to talk to someone.  hopefully he'll understand.

i will let you know how my session goes tonight.  take care everyone xxx

[BlueBay]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope @eth @Decadian @Appleblossom @Silenus

Do psych's ever listen properly??

I had an appt to see my psych this afternoon. I told him about our financial stress and having very little money. Told him i am stressing and worrying and he turned around and said - well maybe you need to look for another job? you should be grateful that you have a job.  I do understand that i am lucky to have a job because there are so many people who can't work because of their health.  But i said to him that it is hard to find work where i live and i have a lot of trouble with concentrating and memory that i would struggle getting a new job.  He just doesn't get it.

Sometimes i find that my psych is "too medical"; too fixed on medication.  Insgtead of just sitting and listening. 

I started to cry and told him i am not coping.  And then told him i wanted revenge on my mum and i was not even looking at him while talking, i was sitting there ripping up paper from my journal.  i was ripping the paper so hard and was being so angry.

i told him that i cannot see him regularly as i have no money.  so he made an appt for a months time but we'll see how i go.  he said if i can't cope to call him.

Hubby knows of our financial strain and no money but do you think he has suggested anything to fix or help?  No. he is probably assuming that i will fix it - well i can't.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Ok @BlueBay.  The first thing you have to do right now is calm yourself down.  

Focus on that as the only thing on your to-do list, until it's done.  

Start at the top - breathe !  Deep, slow, calming breaths.

Next - make yourself a cup of tea, or have someone make it for you.

Turn on some music in the background, and sit somewhere where the lights are not shining really brightly.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself back in that pool, with the coolness of the water against your skin.

Remeber what it was like in the warm sunshine.

Breathe.

Stay in this day for the moment, and refuse to let worries in.

They can be looked at again tomorrow.  They are postponed for now.

Tonight the important thing is to calm down and let yourself get over being angry.

You will need a calm mind to start working out what to do from tomorrow, and you are not alone.

Leave tomorrow's worries for tomorrow, and just rest.

❤️❤️❤️

[BlueBay]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

i am sitting here trying so hard to not worry about anything. It's hard @Faith-and-Hope it's so damn hard to not worry and stress over everything.  I'm sorry I am crying,

I have just been on lifeline and told them i was going to, well you know ...... God why does everything have to be so damn hard.  stressing over every bloody thing.

OK, i am going to make a cuppa, and listen to my iphone which has relaxing music and i will picture myself at the pool floating away.

I could so do with a hug right now xxx

[NikNik]

Hi @BlueBay

*virtual hug*

Trying hard not to worry can be a bit of a trap - it can make us worry even more!

It sounds like you have a great plan now though. I hope you find peace listening to your music and relaxing. It's great that you have some techniques to take care of yourself.

Nik