To me, this is one of the most important poems I have written. It was inspired by a frustrating failed conversation I had with my friend and housemate at the time. He was totally unable to understand my depression, and kept saying that I should just be able to "snap out of it".
No matter how I tried to communicate to him what depression was like for me, and that it had a compelling power that is exceedingly difficult to deal with, he kept saying that I should just exercise more, and stop spending so much time in a darkened room.
Well, of course he was right in those bits of advice. Exercise, fresh air and sunlight are great for helping to restore balance and improve our mood. But depression doesn't listen to logic or reason.
I wrote this poem in an attempt to describe depression to someone who has never experienced it. I still don't know if I have succeeded, but I gave it my best shot...
To You Who Has Never Known Depression, This Is My Gift
You say to me “why don’t you just snap out of it?”
My initial reaction is, I’m used to hearing this sh*t.
But you showed concern, and a need to understand,
And that makes me want to stay my angry hand.
You told me that I always wallow, trapped in thought,
And I tell you that it’s a trap in which I’m caught.
You suggest I should just get out and do some exercise,
I try to explain to you that my mind tells believable lies.
I tried to explain it to you, and my terminology was flawed,
I can see the iciness of your logic has not yet thawed.
So I plumb the depths of my experience, searching for common ground,
Reaching for a way to explain the rules by which I’m bound.
The only way I can think of to explain it is this,
And believe me, I am not taking the piss,
But there are chemicals flowing in our brains,
That steer our pleasures and direct our pains.
In part we are slaves to this ebb and flow,
And sometimes there’s nowhere else to go,
No matter how much we wish it to be,
We cannot open the door with the key.
For six months I was a slave to my blanket and pillow,
And each moment trapped, I wanted to bellow,
I wanted to see it as simply as you,
And stop bubbling in this eternal stew.
But no matter how much I reached for a way out,
My mind was too clever, and continued this bout,
I wish I could tell you how difficult it’s been,
But unless you’ve felt it, it’s a sight unseen.
The word “depressed” is so often used,
I’m a little bit down, so this term I’ll abuse,
But depression is so much more than just a slight hitch,
It’s life hitting you full in the face, and life’s a bitch.
We use that term “depression” in such an offhand way,
And it loses its power to explain its sway,
We aren’t just making it up on the spot,
And can’t just step away from the illness we’ve got.
So now I try to explain this great mess,
And I have no promises I’ll succeed, I confess,
But nothing ventured, nothing gained,
And by the end, you may understand why I’m pained.
I know you understand physical ills and pains,
Like diabetes, MS, heart attacks and strains,
But you have to realise the same rules apply
To our brains and our thoughts, and they make us fry.
So now I try to explain it this way,
And believe me, I understand all that you say,
We should be able to just snap out of it and deal,
But it takes more than sane thought to make us heal.
All of the hopes and wishes in the world,
Can’t begin to express how I want to be hurled
Out of the darkness and into the light,
But sometimes I have no energy to fight.
Most of the time, I function just fine,
But there’s times when I’m lost and I cross the line,
It’s not like I picked this future for me,
And it’s not all that I hoped that I would be.
But here’s the way that I try to impress
The way in which it’s not just mild stress,
There’s so much more to it than a bit of a down,
A mild heartache or the hint of a frown.
It sucks your life from out of your veins,
And I cannot begin to explain the pains,
For every moment is like your last,
And nothing exists, no future, no past.
You cannot see even a hint of light,
And believe me, this gives you an almighty fright,
And I hear you say, once again,
Get some exercise, and ease your pain.
I am trying so hard to bridge the gap,
And I don’t want to place this pain in your lap,
But you have to see that we can’t always understand,
That fate has dealt some of us a nasty hand.
Believe me, I have it within me to change,
But it’s not always so simple or within my range,
I’ve tried just about everything under the sun,
And believe me I’m not doing this because it’s fun.
It’s taken me a long time to reach this point,
And I don’t want to put your nose out of joint,
But f**k you if you judge me with a limited view,
Without first trying to understand what I’ve been through.
I want to hold up my hand just now,
And take a moment’s pause to allow
You to take a while to think,
Because I’ve brought you to the brink.
I challenged you just now, and it wasn’t just fun,
Because I need you to see the race that I’ve run,
Honestly, I’m smart, so surely you see,
If there was an easy way out, I’d have found it for me.
So now I come back to how to explain,
The pain that I suffer, how I feel my life drain,
It’s not just a poetic device for effect,
This life can be truly and utterly fecked.
Well, now I’d like to set science’s scene,
There’s serotonin, melatonin and dopamine,
And lots of other brain chemicals,
That control our moods as basic animals.
Guess what? You can’t always control your moods,
It’s not like you’ve got a handle on your attitudes,
Depression is just like if someone “normal” is feeling low,
Except perhaps for the depths to which I go.
Just think for a minute how wonderfully it teased,
When in post-coital bliss you felt so pleased,
Well guess what, this is just you being a slave,
To the chemicals in your brain to which you cave.
The same thing is true for me in my plight,
Struggling to see a moment of daylight,
Just as powerful chemicals are having their way,
And causing my basic emotions to sway.
So next time you think you understand this sh*t,
Take a look at the multitude of people who quit
This life, giving up the ultimate prize,
With no light of joy in their eyes.
It’s not just having a bit of a rough day,
And it sure ain’t saying it’s tough but I’m okay,
The only difference between you and me,
Is the ups and downs go so much further, you see.
There’s this wonderful thing called reality,
We filter it through our senses, what we hear and see,
But at the end of the day, it’s just thoughts in our head,
And believe me, those thoughts can cause tears to be shed.
It would be so wonderful if we could just say stop,
And the streams of our thoughts would listen to this traffic cop,
But as much as we may want it to ease,
Sometimes our depression doesn’t want to please.
Don’t think for a minute I want this crap,
I’ve tried so much to give myself a slap,
But what is so damn easy for you,
Is sometimes something beyond what I can do.
So please take a minute to understand,
I’ve done my best through my times most bland,
I’ve hurt so much and not let it show,
But every now and then, I’m ready to blow.
But I’ve gotten to a point of wisdom, I think,
And this was learned at the edge, by the brink,
I’ve stopped seeing my down as my enemy,
And see it now as an essential part of me.
Depression is certainly not my enemy,
That’s something that took me a long time to see,
In fact, it’s a basic, fundamental part of me,
And I doubt, given the choice, I would want to be free.
It flows from the same source, so I see,
And gives me the great gift of creativity,
My hurt has made me feel so much more,
And it can lift me up or drag me to the floor.
But you have to understand a simple thing,
I don’t always have the power to bring
Light to my life when all is dark,
And it’s not because I want to be stark.
Sometimes my balance is just out of whack,
And your simple logic and solutions don’t open a crack,
So just be patient, even though you may not understand,
I may be down, but I’d appreciate a hand.
