Poem - Eight Legs, Silk, Water and Light

[BlueBay]

@Silenus

I love it - you can write some amazing poems.  Just beautiful. 🙂

[Silenus]

To me, this is one of the most important poems I have written. It was inspired by a frustrating failed conversation I had with my friend and housemate at the time. He was totally unable to understand my depression, and kept saying that I should just  be able to "snap out of it".

No matter how I tried to communicate to him what depression was like for me, and that it had a compelling power that is exceedingly difficult to deal with, he kept saying that I should just exercise more, and stop spending so much time in a darkened room.

Well, of course he was right in those bits of advice. Exercise, fresh air and sunlight are great for helping to restore balance and improve our mood. But depression doesn't listen to logic or reason.

I wrote this poem in an attempt to describe depression to someone who has never experienced it. I still don't know if I have succeeded, but I gave it my best shot...

To You Who Has Never Known Depression, This Is My Gift

You say to me “why don’t you just snap out of it?”
My initial reaction is, I’m used to hearing this sh*t.
But you showed concern, and a need to understand,
And that makes me want to stay my angry hand.

You told me that I always wallow, trapped in thought,
And I tell you that it’s a trap in which I’m caught.
You suggest I should just get out and do some exercise,
I try to explain to you that my mind tells believable lies.

I tried to explain it to you, and my terminology was flawed,
I can see the iciness of your logic has not yet thawed.
So I plumb the depths of my experience, searching for common ground,
Reaching for a way to explain the rules by which I’m bound.

The only way I can think of to explain it is this,
And believe me, I am not taking the piss,
But there are chemicals flowing in our brains,
That steer our pleasures and direct our pains.

In part we are slaves to this ebb and flow,
And sometimes there’s nowhere else to go,
No matter how much we wish it to be,
We cannot open the door with the key.

For six months I was a slave to my blanket and pillow,
And each moment trapped, I wanted to bellow,
I wanted to see it as simply as you,
And stop bubbling in this eternal stew.

But no matter how much I reached for a way out,
My mind was too clever, and continued this bout,
I wish I could tell you how difficult it’s been,
But unless you’ve felt it, it’s a sight unseen.

The word “depressed” is so often used,
I’m a little bit down, so this term I’ll abuse,
But depression is so much more than just a slight hitch,
It’s life hitting you full in the face, and life’s a bitch.

We use that term “depression” in such an offhand way,
And it loses its power to explain its sway,
We aren’t just making it up on the spot,
And can’t just step away from the illness we’ve got.

So now I try to explain this great mess,
And I have no promises I’ll succeed, I confess,
But nothing ventured, nothing gained,
And by the end, you may understand why I’m pained.

I know you understand physical ills and pains,
Like diabetes, MS, heart attacks and strains,
But you have to realise the same rules apply
To our brains and our thoughts, and they make us fry.

So now I try to explain it this way,
And believe me, I understand all that you say,
We should be able to just snap out of it and deal,
But it takes more than sane thought to make us heal.

All of the hopes and wishes in the world,
Can’t begin to express how I want to be hurled
Out of the darkness and into the light,
But sometimes I have no energy to fight.

Most of the time, I function just fine,
But there’s times when I’m lost and I cross the line,
It’s not like I picked this future for me,
And it’s not all that I hoped that I would be.

But here’s the way that I try to impress
The way in which it’s not just mild stress,
There’s so much more to it than a bit of a down,
A mild heartache or the hint of a frown.

It sucks your life from out of your veins,
And I cannot begin to explain the pains,
For every moment is like your last,
And nothing exists, no future, no past.

You cannot see even a hint of light,
And believe me, this gives you an almighty fright,
And I hear you say, once again,
Get some exercise, and ease your pain.

I am trying so hard to bridge the gap,
And I don’t want to place this pain in your lap,
But you have to see that we can’t always understand,
That fate has dealt some of us a nasty hand.

Believe me, I have it within me to change,
But it’s not always so simple or within my range,
I’ve tried just about everything under the sun,
And believe me I’m not doing this because it’s fun.

It’s taken me a long time to reach this point,
And I don’t want to put your nose out of joint,
But f**k you if you judge me with a limited view,
Without first trying to understand what I’ve been through.

I want to hold up my hand just now,
And take a moment’s pause to allow
You to take a while to think,
Because I’ve brought you to the brink.

I challenged you just now, and it wasn’t just fun,
Because I need you to see the race that I’ve run,
Honestly, I’m smart, so surely you see,
If there was an easy way out, I’d have found it for me.

So now I come back to how to explain,
The pain that I suffer, how I feel my life drain,
It’s not just a poetic device for effect,
This life can be truly and utterly fecked.

Well, now I’d like to set science’s scene,
There’s serotonin, melatonin and dopamine,
And lots of other brain chemicals,
That control our moods as basic animals.

Guess what? You can’t always control your moods,
It’s not like you’ve got a handle on your attitudes,
Depression is just like if someone “normal” is feeling low,
Except perhaps for the depths to which I go.

Just think for a minute how wonderfully it teased,
When in post-coital bliss you felt so pleased,
Well guess what, this is just you being a slave,
To the chemicals in your brain to which you cave.

The same thing is true for me in my plight,
Struggling to see a moment of daylight,
Just as powerful chemicals are having their way,
And causing my basic emotions to sway.

So next time you think you understand this sh*t,
Take a look at the multitude of people who quit
This life, giving up the ultimate prize,
With no light of joy in their eyes.

It’s not just having a bit of a rough day,
And it sure ain’t saying it’s tough but I’m okay,
The only difference between you and me,
Is the ups and downs go so much further, you see.

There’s this wonderful thing called reality,
We filter it through our senses, what we hear and see,
But at the end of the day, it’s just thoughts in our head,
And believe me, those thoughts can cause tears to be shed.

It would be so wonderful if we could just say stop,
And the streams of our thoughts would listen to this traffic cop,
But as much as we may want it to ease,
Sometimes our depression doesn’t want to please.

Don’t think for a minute I want this crap,
I’ve tried so much to give myself a slap,
But what is so damn easy for you,
Is sometimes something beyond what I can do.

So please take a minute to understand,
I’ve done my best through my times most bland,
I’ve hurt so much and not let it show,
But every now and then, I’m ready to blow.

But I’ve gotten to a point of wisdom, I think,
And this was learned at the edge, by the brink,
I’ve stopped seeing my down as my enemy,
And see it now as an essential part of me.

Depression is certainly not my enemy,
That’s something that took me a long time to see,
In fact, it’s a basic, fundamental part of me,
And I doubt, given the choice, I would want to be free.

It flows from the same source, so I see,
And gives me the great gift of creativity,
My hurt has made me feel so much more,
And it can lift me up or drag me to the floor.

But you have to understand a simple thing,
I don’t always have the power to bring
Light to my life when all is dark,
And it’s not because I want to be stark.

Sometimes my balance is just out of whack,
And your simple logic and solutions don’t open a crack,
So just be patient, even though you may not understand,
I may be down, but I’d appreciate a hand.

[Silenus]

Thank you so much, @BlueBay. Hugs and happy vibes beaming your way... 🙂

[BlueBay]

OMG @Silenus

I had tears rolling down my face reading your poem.

I can so resonate with this one.  A few of my friends (one including a police officer) has told me to 'get over it'; go for a walk; exercise, eat better, just move one etc etc   -   and it's not that easy.  It is so hard to explain to people what depression feels like; how it robs you of your happiness; what BPD is and how it affects my behaviour and thinking; and just the stigma of mental illness.

[Silenus]

---

@Sadgirl wrote:

OMG @Silenus

I had tears rolling down my face reading your poem.

I can so resonate with this one.  A few of my friends (one including a police officer) has told me to 'get over it'; go for a walk; exercise, eat better, just move one etc etc   -   and it's not that easy.  It is so hard to explain to people what depression feels like; how it robs you of your happiness; what BPD is and how it affects my behaviour and thinking; and just the stigma of mental illness.

---

Hi @BlueBay. Sadly, yes there does still appear to be a lot of stigma and unfortunate ignorance about mental health issues. Alas, the stigma stops most people who suffer from mental health issues talking about it, and that is truly a sad thing. Us mental health consumers are the ones who know best what it is like to live with these various invisible conditions. We are in the very best position to be able to provide in-depth knowledge, real experience, advice and support about mental health, and yet we are mostly kept silent by a society that judges us as welfare cheats at best (when we even qualify for welfare).

The greater population of "normal" people (and what is "normal", anyway? Hahaha...) would do well to keep their judgements gentle and their minds open. Some nice dude a couple of thousand years ago said something along the lines of "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". I would extend that to be "Let those who are without mental health issues cast the first stone", for it is my considered belief that every single person on the face of the planet has mental health issues of some kind that could benefit from further knowledge and support...

It's funny - in schools they teach us to add numbers together, and they teach us about history and economics and stuff. However, they do not go anywhere near deep enough in teaching us about the really important things - life skills, how to deal with grief and loss, how to deal with conflict, and how to be open and communicate better when we have issues that we alone are not able to cope with...

Ah well, I still hope that in time, future enlightened generations will improve the society in which we all must live...

Dum spiro spero. While I breathe, I hope...

[Silenus]

I wrote this poem about the depths of despair. It is nearly impossible to describe to someone who has never felt it, how much mental, emotional and psychic pain we can be in when our mental health issues have their way with us.

Entire worlds of pain and anguish can be created out of thin air by our own minds. The torment that we are put through truly is the stuff of Greek tragedies, or perhaps of Dante's Inferno...

Celestial Laughter

I am in so much pain just now.
Tears are running down my cheeks,
And they are as the strongest acid,
Etching lines of hurt into my very soul.

There is the dichotomy
Of peace and war,
Of hope and despair,
Of love and hate,
Of loss and gain,
Of faith and disbelief.
Of growth and dwindling,
All within me at once,
Fighting,
Spilling blood on this battlefield that is me,
Filled with weary warriors,
Hectic heretics,
Calculating generals,
Foot sore foot soldiers,
Thirsty soil,
Broken shields,
Bodies of the slain,
And the lilting song of lamentation and loss,
Lifted above the din of battle
With keen notes that saw at my heartstrings
Until that pumping vessel
Plops down to the very bottom of my being,
Detached and useless,
A lump of muscle and flesh,
Incapable of the intricacies of emotion,
Or of attachments to others.

And so I sink into the mud,
Too lost to be afraid,
Too familiar with this torment
To question it or hope for a reprieve.

A nothing,
A mote in the eye of a faceless stranger,
A disconnected thought,
Searching for the useless lump of grey matter
And barely firing neurons
That gave it an ill advised birth.

I sink into nothing,
And nothing I become.
What is left
When innocence is lost
And trust is broken?
How can that ever be regained?
How can a broken mind be retrained?

Lost, resigned, familiar...
My eyes glaze over
Because here it goes again...
Same old routine...
Same old endless dance.

But there is always and ever hope
That it is worth it,
If for nothing else
Than as the butt
Of some grand cosmic joke.
If even one celestial being laughs,
Then I, the eternal court jester,
Can rest for a moment,
Take off my curly-tipped shoes
And quiet the jangling of my many bells,
Secure in the knowledge
That my suffering has at least meant something.

[Silenus]

As an integral part of my healing process and journey of self evolution, one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with has been that of self hatred. For years, I had become very good at hating myself (often very unfairly). The things that we say to ourselves within the confines of our own heads can be truly brutal. I doubt we would dare to say these things to another person, and yet we treat ourselves with such hatred, contempt and disrespect in such a casual way with the self talk of our thoughts and with self-destructive behaviour.

Self deception is another big life trap. One of the more subtle forms of self deception is that mask that we put on - the "I'm okay" mask, the one where we just smile and pretend that we aren't falling apart or in such intense pain that we can hardly breathe. It starts as a "fake it 'till you make it" coping mechanism, but after a while, that smiling mask gets to be automatic. Sure, it can help us to survive, but it stops us from seeking the help we need when we need it...

I spent many hours in front of the mirror, hating the eyes that I looked into, hating the fake smile. I wrote this poem to try to deal with these feelings,,,

Smiling in the Mirror

I look at myself in the mirror
And I see a chameleon fake it,
Smiling enough to light the room,
Make believe to fool the crowd.

I greet myself – “Hello sirrah”,
My God, you’re full of sh*t,
You walk into your own doom,
Far too sparkly, way too loud.

Not even my closest know the truth,
I’m winging it and lost,
I’ve worn the mask for oh so long,
And my true face is long gone.

I’m trapped in patterns of my youth,
Every day I count the cost,
I can’t quite see where I went wrong,
And need to fire a neuron.

Why did I fall into this trap?
I thought I was way too smart.
I can’t believe I lie so much,
Masking such eternal pain.

Alone I’m dealing with my crap,
With my pain I cannot part,
To my heart I seem to clutch
Hurts to my life drain.

And yet there is a distant light,
Dim and bound to flicker,
I see it reaching out to me,
And feel the welcome heat.

I have to stop this constant fright,
And still my thoughts’ inner bicker,
I need to focus to be free,
The cheater I must cheat.

[Silenus]

Sometimes when I was depressed, I would spend weeks and weeks in my pyjamas, hiding away from the world. It became almost like a symbol of my depression, those damn PJs.

I knew what I had to do, but knowing and doing are two very distinct things, especially when depression has you pinned to the mat. This poem was a big step for me. Eventually, I got out of my PJs. I started walking. Lots of walking. Barefooted. Mindful.

Gotta Get Outta My PJs

Gotta get
Outta my head
Outta my bed
Outta my PJs
Walk some Ks.

Pound the ground
Shake the fake
Drop the stop
Stop the drop
Start the heart
End the fend
Raise the praise
Lower the glower
Free the me
Cage the rage
Toss the dross
Cuss the fuss
Hold the gold
Push the shush
Pull the wool
Eye the sky
Walk the talk
Love the shove
Skew the rue
Do the do.

[Silenus]

This poem was a lot of fun to write. I wanted something that captured the up and down nature of my bipolar, the confusion, the common ground of the so-called "normal" state. I've had to post this poem as a picture, because trying to get the spacing right is near on impossible, and the spacing is crucial for reading it...

If anyone is unsure how to read it, both the first line and the last line use the common letters from the middle line.

[GonePirate]

i applaud you sir