Poem - Head Room

[NikNik]

Hi @BlueBay

Sorry to take this thread off topic for the moment, but I just wanted to flag that going off your medication can make things a bit wobbly - it's different from person to person. Seeing what you posted in other threads about your bad day made me wonder if going off your medication might have impacted things for you.

I'm not a dr, nor do I know what you were taking or how you stopped, but I just wanted to flag it. If you're seeing your GP tonight it might be worth mentioning.

[BlueBay]

Hi @NikNik

I'm really sorry I did stop my meds.  I wanted to prove to myself that I would be okay without it. I wanted to prove that I was okay - but I am not okay.  It has proved nothing.

Sorry to take over this post @Silenus, I'm really sorry.  I am not good.

I will go and write in my own post (having a bad morning)

[GonePirate]

just jumping off the meds can often be a bad idea most meds should be weened off of not just dropped or else they can impact negatively with withdrawal symptoms

if one is to go off meds and try do it alone do it in cooperation with p docs and with supervision from at very least your case worker or pdocs

that's coming from experience

over the years a few times ive jumped off meds usually undet he premise of I'm doing fine I don't need them or I want to know whats me and whats meds and if I can do it alone

first time I lasted a few weeks

next time a few days

the final time I lasted 9 months

but realised I was heavily self medicating and life eventually caught up to me anyway

just wanted to share this with you @BlueBay

[PeppiPatty]

@BlueBay

I havent been online.....can you write how you are ?

I care about you because now at 48years old, I've had the guts to cut Mum out of my life....there are attacks from her......

And I think of you........

Thankyou @Appleblossom I have missed you perticularily !! This poem has nothing to do with you  @Appleblossom....I don't feel that you have had my dramas..........Your dramas are on a hugely different scale .......... but you wrote something about another poem I wrote that you like how I feel in my poems. This is a poem I wrote when I started to feel properly. I was a bit self involved though......

My Face, My skin
Skin to Skin
I turn to you as you have a propensity for violence
I draw it out of you

I’m missing you

So Far away

Our repetitive dramas
Our Addictive sex

Give me a drama to imagine
A fantasy to keep me alive
Our acting out is a substitute for suicide

Push you away
Either way,
As long as you feel you live

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @GonePirate

Great pionters @GonePirate I wish I was close to my oldest son so I could tell him this stuff but at the moment, it's a little like; tell him something and he jumps on me. There is a certain...horrible defensive tone of his vioce when I speak to him which is horrible and reminds me of when I met my husband. He was terribly self medicating. 

The other pionter I want to bring up is the weight that my husband and other put on because of .....'proper,' medication. 

I loked up a self directed paper I wrote about MI when I had beenwith my husband for two years and researched this;

I researched depression and came across one of my favorite authors – Eric Maisel. He writes some very interesting points. He writes that once an individual experiencing mental ill health talks of his/her mental ill health, it begins to take the power away from it. I wonder if this is the same for all people?

What do you think @GonePirate and @Silenus and @BlueBay @Appleblossom ??

[GonePirate]

i dunno if this ones gonna rhyme or not yet

my brain is a buzz i have to get it out but nothing is forming as of yet

i may come back and edit this preword

or i may leave it to show a glimpse of how my mind works...

the all consuming darkness encapsulate my every waking hour

as icy tendrils reach up like corpse like hands to encompass my heart and soul

i feel the energy the will to live drain out of the cavity in my chest

i am a thousand shattered pieces of a man who was once whole

id bleed were it not for the fact i am already dead and buried

a grave i dug laying in a coffin of my own mental fabrication within i am trapped

the sands of time have slowed to a crawl as i rest upon my dying breath

a smile now vanished as i fear my happiness lost with my demise carefully mapped

sorrow overwhelmes me and i feel a sense of loss for the man i once was

anger sweeps in a takes me to far off places i fear going

the world is both ablaze is fame and flooding as the seas rise up to swollow the land

am i burning or drowning anger or sadness i have no way of knowing

more often than not i have a habit of knowing what im feeling

but whilst imprisoned in this limbo of the numb i am reluctant to try

my thoughts consume me in a state of constant frozen panic

fight or flight neither exists nor is relevant when i just want to die

i no longer care if i am to make it out of this alive no i just want it all to end

so i can be free of the agonising tribulations of this msot trivial life like experiance

the blackness has risen up from within and made its home within my mind

that i had become accustomed to a sense of wellness left me open to attack or is this coincidence?

so thats my little rhyme and yes i spose it does infact rhyme

i started writing this at about 9 oclock it is 9 20 now

just a glimpse into how im feeling and how my mind works

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @NikNik

It's great to be back....

Lets hope wifi holds up.....

How are you? Arlo is very good....so is the husband and my youngest son is still here. My Mum is working hard at getting him away from me but....I need to just get back into therapy and get advise on how to get stronger. 

I'm seeing her on Wednesday and so looking forward to it. I'm finding it difficult to do the extra work but am very committed to do the extra work so can pay to see the Psychotehrapist.....she keeps on cutting my fees down......

[NikNik]

Wow @GonePirate - you're great with words. I'm sad to hear about some of the things you're experiencing at the moment though. In particular your reference to not caring and wanting to die.

Do you have some supports or strategies that help when you're feeling like this?

Hoping you're safe,
Nik

[GonePirate]

ahoy @PeppiPatty weight gain was a huge issue for me I put on like 30kg in 9 months on a med I was too depressed to admit wasn't working

I changed meds after that and have not experienced the weight gain on my current combo

I'm actually losing weight due to eliminating certain things from my diet
no lollies sweets cakes bikkies or soft drink

you also write about how talking takes the power away fromt he beasts

very true

my best mates know about my diagnosis and what I go through and what that often means and I know I can talk to them all about my problems

I also talk to a peer support worker

and a psychologist

talking helps

it helps limit the power that depression anxiety bipolar and voices have over us

[BlueBay]

@PeppiPatty

Thank you for asking.  I am not that good tonight, had a bad day, cried and lost it twice.

I am so glad that you managed to cut your mum out of your life - but  tell me @PeppiPatty I can't remember how did you do that?   But do you know - I miss my dad so so much.  I wish I could see him or even just get a simple hug.  just to feel his arms around me 😞