Writing As A Form Of Therapy

[BlueBay]

Need to go
Right now
I need to go
Today
I'm upset and hurting
Life sucks big time
I hate my life right
Can't get out of this
Damn hole
Tears are flowing
I hate that too

[BlueBay]

I wish i could say goodbye

all i want to do is cry

i fight my demons all the time

i sometimes get out of line

families suck big time

for they are doing the crime

for not loving me

or letting me be

i just want to cry

but can't because i would die

from all the tears would drown me

and i would end up in the sea

i try so hard to be strong

but i will cry not before long

i don't know why the tears

oh yes it's all those fears

i just wish that i could see my dad

and tell him he's not bad

it's my mum who loves to be

the meanie out to get me

[BlueBay]

Today I am feeling really down and depressed about not been able to see my dad because of my mum. So I thought I wanted to write something here for my dad:

Dear Dad

It's been 6 years now that I remembered my childhood abuse.  From that day my life changed completely to feeling depressed and stuck in a deep dark hole to feeling anxious and not wanting to see or talk to anyone.

I wanted you so much to put your arms around me and tell me 'hey it's okay, i will help you, i will support you during this tough time' and 'i love you' - but instead you listened to mum.

It's killing me Dad to know that I can't see you or speak with you.  Just to hear your voice, how I crave for that.  I have no photos of my childhood because mum has the photo albums and when i asked her for some photos she made up some excuse.  But i remember one particular photo of you holding me as a 2-3 yr old; i was wearing a bright red knitted jumper and i had really curly hair with a red ribbon.  How i picture this photo in my head, i will forget that photo.

Tears are rolling down my face just writing this to you, I just hope that one day i will get to see you and explain to you what happened on 'that day that mum verbally abused me and she made sure that you weren't home.  She did that on purpose, she manipulated you to go out and she called me over and yelled and yelled crap abuse to me. Well that's when i got up and walked out hysterically.  i was a complete mess and i know in my heart that if you were there things would have been different. 

oh well Dad, things are different now.  our family is wrecked and i know mum is blaming me; but do you know what - i know that its not my fault; i was a victim and i was only 9 yrs old.

I can't write anymore for now; it's hurting too much. I just want to let you know that I love you so much and its killing me not been able to see you or speak with you.

Love you always

your heartbroken daughter xxxooo

[Silenus]

Oh @BlueBay - I so hope that one day soon your very complicated estrangement from your parents (your dad especially) comes to an end...

This is such a powerful source of hurt for you. You sought love, support and understanding. To be denied this is a terrible tragedy... no wonder you are so bent out of shape...

I hope you don't mind me offering my perspective?

The love that you need from your parents has been cut off. I felt this too in a much less severe way in my life growing up...

The way I dealt with not being loved? I learned to love myself. If nobody else loved me, at least I would love me...

One of my former psychs called me a "statistical anomaly" for responding like this... hahaha... I am glad that I cheated the statistics...

But in all seriousness, as I see it, you do not currently have the power to change the circumstances with your parents. It appears to be outside your "sphere of influence", as I call it. It is a life situation that you are not able to control...

Try to reawaken that natural sense of loving yourself. It will start to heal the hurt, soothe the anger and sadness, and fill the emptiness...

It is not easy. For years, my self love became overpowered by self hatred, and this was destroying me. When I found my way back to the gentle love inside, I truly began to walk a better path again. Not an easy path, but better...

Sending oodles of hugs your way @BlueBay 🙂

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Silenus for your post and hugs.

Self love - how do I do that? At the moment i hate myself for behaving and thinking the way I do.  It's like a viciious cycle, my head going round and round in circles.

I don't have the power to change things with my parents at the moment.  I still feel too fragile and vulnerable. I can't go there just yet.  I don't feel strong enough to confront them, not even sure if i want to do that.

I don't know where to start, maybe i need a guiding hand from someone to help me find myself and learn to love myself.

See @Silenus I think at the moment I am turning my pain, my heartbreak inwards towards me eg. self harming as the only way to see my dad and make my mum feel guilty.  But i need to turn that around - trouble is I don't know how.  i feel so lost in my life.

I have been thinking - my own mum never spoke to her mum for over 20 yrs.  the last time she spoke to her was when i gave birth to my second child.  then 2 yrs ago my grandma passed away and what did my mum do - she attende the funeral - what a hypocrite.  Why did she? - she could then fight for her share in the rest of the money my grandma had.  My mum is one of 10 children and she is the oldest.  She had to go to work at 14 and give her whole pay packet to her dad so he could feed the other kids. I know she wouldn't have had an easy childhood life but it doesn't excuse her from what she is doing now to me.

I would love if you could give me some more helpful hints or guide me in a way in how to learn to feel better about myself, love myself etc.

[Silenus]

All I can come up with just now @BlueBay is that when we feel unloved or neglected or slighted (or even hated) by those we consider as our loved ones, it strikes at the very heart of our self confidence.

We think this, in an odd logic - they don't love me, so therefore I must not be loveable. I must be at fault. I must be to blame. Often, this is how the cycle of self hate starts...

I have no easy answers for how to reawaken that sense of self love. We each must find our ways to do it, because we are all different.

But an important first step is to remind yourself to be gentle with those you love, and that includes yourself...

Gentle doesn't mean to be an enabler of bad or harmful behaviour. We still must strive to challenge ourselves and our loved ones gently... question ourselves and others deeply and seriously along the way, and learn as we go... without tearing ourselves or those others apart with our ferocious and urgent desire to be better sooner rather than later...

Sometimes we need to go through lengthy suffering, it would seem, in order to get better. It is an unfortunate thing, but it happens in our lives, trapped in the psychological concept of time as we often are...

Ever and always, I send hugs... 🙂

[BlueBay]

Thank you @Silenus for your comments.

I feel so heartbroken, kicked in the guts and spat at, by who - my parents but in particular my mum.

She has said some horrible, horrible things to me; some that have damaged me so badly that i feel like a broken doll, broken in bits.

Be gentle on myself - boy that is so hard to do.  But I will try bit by bit. slow steps.

Thank you so much for being a good friend to me on here, supporting me and just being here.  you know most days I feel so depressed, i feel so alone and i feel so heartbroken.

[Silenus]

I wrote this poem on an hour-long flight the other day. It started as 3 individual poems, but it made sense to join them together...

For those unfamiliar with the expression Anhedonia, it is the inability to feel pleasure, often associated with depression. The title of part 1 of the poem is a play on the name of a Muse song - Knights of Cydonia...

Knights Three

(I)

Knights of Anhedonia

Arthur's table, nice and round,

Fabled quests for the holy grail;

Knights' boots upon the ground,

A grand tale, succeed or fail.

But what if no pleasure can be found,

Would knights gather to heed the call?

Or would all the knights lie in bed, pale,

Lost and uncaring when kingdoms fall.

(II)

Knights and Daze

For days they wandered in a daze,

At night the knights lost sleep;

Struggling with this mental haze,

They could neither laugh nor weep.

This endless fog enough to craze,

There is no direction in formless white;

Knights in a daze are in too deep,

Suspended beyond dark and light.

(III)

Knights of Hell (As In Life, So Too In Hell)

Welcome to Hell, just take a ticket

And wait for your number's call;

Whatever your sin, it's too late to kick it,

Now that you've finished your final fall.

Congrats on the landing, you really did stick it,

the judges all gave you eights;

Ooh, here come your demons to give you their all,

I'm sure you will all be best mates.

[eth]

You write so well @Silenus and every day I learn at least one new word or concept from your writing.  Anhedonia really describes how I've been feeling for a while now, progressively more the last couple of weeks.  Words really can hit the spot sometimes, hey?

[GonePirate]

Slaves to the machine

walking through fields of bone white crosses

a remembrance of brothers now gone

a pathwork of bloodshed my memories

darkenned as if light hadnt shone

i remember the beaches we stormed

shoulder to shoulder so many fell

i remember this all clear as day now

listen when i say war is hell

i fell to my knees by my brothers

i held them lifeless and cold

i screamed to the heavans to take me

why was i the only one to grow old

my brothers i miss you you're never forgot

burned into my memories like gun barrels glow

now i wait patiently an old man

counting hours till its my time to go

i hope we will meet again without battlefields

a reunion my old friends as young men

together we will walk shoulder to shoulder

and i wont grow old again

i remember the flash of the machine guns

i remember the splatter of blood

i remember the cries and the look in your eyes

and you fell down into the mud

i remember my brothers i will never forget

and too i shall never forgive

the men who sent us into slaughter

i will remember so long as i live

my grandson came to me past week

and we spoke of the brothers i made

of how as young men they were taken

and laid down in their war graves

i explained how as brothers we bonded

and we were inseperable after that

i explained how they died fighting for us all

and how im the only one who came back

it brought me to tears to remember you

as the lives stricken before their time

we were not men we were but boys

and we suffered without commiting no crime

the fate of young men is written

in bullets and in graves

and so long as there is still warfare

young men will forever be slaves