When I came into this world, it hurt you
I was a daily reminder of the torment you had suffered
Still you chose to keep me around
As I grew you tried to give me a perfect family
But when I turned three, the fates betrayed you
Now I was damaged the same way you were
You tried to stay strong and be a mother
But it all got too much and they took me away
I missed you everyday
In the care of others, I was hurt, abused and neglected
When I turned 6 I was placed with my sister and brothers
I got to be with you once a week and I was happy
But they turned me away and the torment continued
When I was 7 almost 8 they let us be together again
But you were different, something wasn’t right
The mother I knew just wasn’t there
You drank and took things that you thought made you happy but they made you sleep
You let a man in the house who used your habits to his advantage
You left me alone and vulnerable
I had to do what he wanted to protect my sisters
But I kept faith you would save me
How wrong I was, instead you let it continue
As long as you were happy you didn’t want to protect us
Eventually you tried to leave us behind
You went to hospital, didn’t you love us anymore
Police tried to lock the bad man away
But he was out within days
I was scared and hurt and feeling betrayed
But I still loved you mummy, I just wanted you back
We went into care and were separated
I drifted between carers while others tried to adopt my brothers and sisters
But you didn’t let them, I knew you still loved us
While you fought to bring us home to you, I was being robbed of my childhood
When I was 9 my best friend ended her life
When she wasn’t at school, I went to her house to find her
The scene that I saw will haunt my memories forever
I rushed back to school and called her mother
I asked if she was sick because I was too scared to tell her
When they told us at school I pretended it was the first I knew
When the medical report came out with the time of death I crumbled
Her mother tried to comfort me saying she was dead when I called
But she didn’t know I went to find her, I could have saved her
The guilt kept me from attending her funeral
Where were you mum, that’s when I needed you
I felt so alone, where were the people who loved me
It was all too much, I couldn’t handle any more heartache
I decided to leave this world
When I woke a week later, I was in the hospital
When I was released 2 days later I was put in a home with my siblings
I was so happy to be with them
I was angry at you mummy, where were you
You didn’t come when I needed you
But I decided to forgive you because I still loved you
They decided to keep me with my brothers and sisters
Hoping that it would help me mentally
But I wanted to numb the pain, so I stole some of the carer’s alcohol
When I was drunk I was happy, isn’t that what you taught me
I was able to enjoy life and forget the past
But I started to lose more than that
I was losing time, what was happening to me
Even though I know now that I have issues
I still can’t tell if back then was my head or the drinking
But I did see a recurring pattern
You always said that you loved me and would protect me
But every time that I have needed you, you were gone from the scene
I still loved you and forgave you again
Especially when you said we were going to be a family again
A few weeks later you brought us home with you mum
We were all together again and everything was going to be okay
But the happiness did not last long
At just 12 years old it was like I was a mother to 5
I cleaned, I cooked and made sure they made it to school
When I wasn’t playing mother, I was destroying the child within in me
I would skip class and getting drunk with friends and exploring each other’s bodies
I lost my innocence when I was 3 so why not my dignity too
You didn’t care or notice as long as I came home
I felt like ending my life so many times but I didn’t
What would have happened to my siblings if I left them like that
I had to stay strong, I needed to eliminate those thoughts
I had to be there for them, at least till they needed me no more
So, I kept myself going for them
When I was 14, I met my boyfriend, he brought the light back in my life
But the closer we got the less you liked him but I was so desperate for your approval
I kept trying to help you like him because needed him
But I was still so attached to you, I needed you to approve
I graduated year 12 and I had never seen you prouder
For a day I had my mother back, but it wasn’t going to last
When I was almost 19 when I fell pregnant, I thought you would be happy for me
But you made me feel like a disappointment but you eventually came around
After a difficult pregnancy I had a beautiful baby boy
My brother had a baby to and so did my sister
For a while you seemed to care again and the kids adored you
But you met someone new and went back to your habits
My baby is 5 now and so far, he is enjoying his childhood
It is so hard for me to let you be a part of his life
But I do because I still love you
But even though I want to
I can’t forgive you again
