Writing As A Form Of Therapy

[eudemonism]

There are so many problems out there. There are so many perceived problems in my mind. Because of, so many potentially bad things happening. It's impossible to fight against. When it's a safety switch in the mind. Which gets flicked bye bad memories. And things I'm fearful of.

[NameUnknown]

I hide behind my mask
I get told to take it off
I get told let my emotions out
But when I do they dont understand me
They call it a put on
They tell me to stop carrying on
They call me an attention seeker
And an over reactor
So I put my mask back on again
I hide it all
The pain and guilt
The sorrow and anger
The Disappointment and the despair
But i know that its building and I can feel it coming
I dont want it to come out
I want it to stay hidden
But i know this will not happen
Room is running out
And this emotional hurt just wants out

[Silenus]

My latest poem, peeps...

It deals with the current issue of guns in America, but it goes much deeper than that. It is about finding a new way that does not involve violence...

Even (and especially) in the darkest hour,
Love with compassion is the greatest power.

~~~~~~~ ♤♧♢♡ ~~~~~~~

Sandy Hook Is Syria

Can it be resolved without a civil war,
When it's toe to toe with heels dug in?
Last time, what were they fighting for?
Being seen as human no matter your skin.

This time it's about fighting fighting too much,
About the right to bear arms in a terrorist state,
About children exposed to the bullet's touch,
About growing up and finding an end to hate.

[Silenus]

Hi @eudemonism...

What you wrote about there being so many problems out there touched me greatly, because I lived in a world where each worldly problem was magnified to a million perceived problems by an overactive mind that would not quit looking for trouble to fight or flee from...

As you say, how can you fight a natural safety switch in the mind, a survival response that millions of years of evolution has hard-coded into our very genes? What can one do if that survival response, that safety switch, is supercharged and out of control? What happens when we get lost, bouncing between bad memories and fearful futures?

Well, we know what happens... because we are currently living through it, or have lived through it before... it ruins our lives... our balance is lost... we become slave to our fears, and our past regrets and hurts... we start to walk a circular path, or, more precisely, we spiral inward as we walk our path, and each step gives us less and less room to move, the shrinking circle of our journey taking us ever deeper within ourselves, much to the detriment of our external lives...

We need to stop chasing storms and come out the other side to a much calmer place...

I won't say that it is easy... my journey from major breakdown in mid-2011 to my own version of a calmer place has taken nigh on 7 years to complete, and it was no walk in the park...

The only thing that kept me going was the realisation that I could not keep going the way that I was...

It was a journey full of fear, full of self loathing, and I nearly lost myself a handful of times...

Each of us must walk the journey of our lives alone. Ultimately, this is the hard truth of it all. However, having said that, to find people to walk hand in hand with, as we each walk our journey alone, is one of the greatest delights there is...

I, and everyone else here on this wonderful forum, walk with you @eudemonism.

Hugs and happy vibes beaming to you all...

[Silenus]

Hi @NameUnknown...

Wow. That poem hit me right in the feels. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing it.

As you can perhaps tell from my avatar, the little graphic representing myself, masks are my thing...

I think the vast majority of people who say "Take the mask off" to someone like us (who has a need for mask-wearing) are not nearly prepared for the power of the emotions and moods and thoughts and memories and hurts and fears that swirl behind that calm exterior mask...

I have scared many people away just by lifting a corner of the mask and letting a few bits of what goes on inside out...

I don't know the answers to mask-wearing... I have been gifted-cursed with bipolar and ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR and smidge of anxiety thrown into the mix... if I don't wear the mask, I will not be accepted in society... too much energy, too much intensity; or no energy at all, no will to live... neither extreme can function in society without a lot of friction...

And so I, too, wear my mask...

@NameUnknown, what you write about being seen as an attention seeker, wow, that so mirrors my own experiences...

But to me, as I am sure it is with you, it was never about the attention... it was about the experience, about feeling it to its fullest... or it was just about trying to survive the internal drama that had engulfed me... the attention, that was an unfortunate side-effect of seeking the experience or dealing with the pain... I hate the attention, but love the experience (and an easing of pain)... life lived to its fullest...

The problem with mask-wearing that I have found is that you start to forget what your own face looks like... and, as you say, the pain and guilt and sorrow and anger and all of that other nasty stuff, it builds up...

I try to find ways to relieve the internal pressure behind the mask, to channel the negative energies in positive ways...

I find that it helps a lot...

And yet, still I wear my mask...

Hugs and happy vibes beaming to you all...

[Former-Member]

My happy beams are fading
I can't afford any more
my positives & negitives are trading
Not long now
I'll hit the floor

I've worn a little dip there
it's comfortably familiar
though I can't describe the pain of lying there
not torture
but similar

how desperately I often wish
for a hand to hold
or a cheek to kiss

[Silenus]

Hugs, @Former-Member... I hate that familiar slide...

I am just coming up from a nasty but thankfully short-lived depression...

May your downward journey be arrested, and balance be restored...

[NameUnknown]

@Silenus yes i find it extremely difficult to let people know how i really feel about something especially if im the only one who feel it. Its easier to pretend your happy when everyone around you doesnt understand why you would feel anything different i learnt from a very young age that pretending to be happy avoids conflict with others unfortunately i have never found a release for the negative buildup and every couple of years have a major breakdown i have a lovely mixture of mental health issues too . CPTSD, D.I.D, Sever anxiety disorder, mild social anxiety, panic disorder and depression. I currently have alot of arguments with my dr due to not taking my meds as he thinks i should continue them despite my psych noticing improvements in some areas since stopping them. I went through life with a mother who had to be the center of attention if someone got diagnosed with something she has it worse or something else that is more serious i always felt like she though being sick or mentally ill was a competition you could never have something worse then she did. I suppose she is the one who helped me create my mask because if my issues got more attention then hers she started to tell people it was a put on and i was just an attention seeking brat so i learnt to hide it so others didnt notice at the same time i withdrew from pretty much everything and nearly destroyed myself doing it while i have learnt not to build my wall so high that no one can see whats happening i think i super glued my mask on cause it is really difficult for me to express how i truly feel or talk about it. Its always amusing to me when someone tells me that sharing feelings should come naturally because im a girl and thats what girls do. But i am working on it but i find it difficult

[Silenus]

Things have a way of either working out or not working out... either way, there is resolution and a movement forward in life, so nothing is bad, nothing is lost...

[Silenus]

Words pop into my mind... I am a writer, a conduit... I look for truth, and I write what I find along the way...