Writing As A Form Of Therapy

[BlueBay]

I have got some knitting to do @Former-Member which i will take to work

i have to go to work, i would love to stay home but finances won't allow for that at the moment.

better go, put my fake mask on (happy face) and off to work

thank you for chatting,

i hope i make the full day at work

i will bring my knitting with me to work and do some at lunch time

hope you havfe a nice day @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Hello @BlueBay,

I hope your day gets better, take care, MummaMia

[Mazarita]

Hi @Silenus, @outlander, @BlueBay and everyone. Thanks for sharing your writing and perceptions. Hugs all round. And solid, grounded vibes to hold us steady while the waves roll. 

[outlander]

hi @Mazarita big hugs to you too

[Silenus]

Hugs to all you huggables out there...

Gnashing my way through a mxied episode (or dysphoric high or whatever you want to call it)...

For me, it doesn't get any more uncomfortable than this... with all of my Mindfulness and philisophy and Zen and stuff, I cope pretty darn well (if I do say so myself) with my bipolar without psych meds. But the mixed ep... this state of mind is unlike any other, and demanding of much extra energy, effort and awareness to manage...

I would love to hear from anyone else who has had the (mis)fortune of experiencing mixed episodes... both high and low at the same time, with greatly elevated levels of mental distress... it's like chaos takes control, and you have to roll with the punches as best you can...

I breathe deeply... I look at my crazy-face tattoo on my left wrist... I remember how much effort and work I have put into getting to know myself mentally and being able to manage myself mentally through all of the shitstorm rollercoaster ride that bipolar can be (along with all of the awesome creative stuff and lesser highs that feel like the best drug ever, all natural and in my head, that bipolar can be)...

Part addictive, part destructive, 150% over the top... that's bipolar for someone who is caught in the ignorant reactive phase... I spent decades there...

The last 6 years... a total break from my previous life patterns... a growing self awareness... lots of support from online mental health peeps... growth, death and a whole lot of change...

I have developed coping skills and wellness strategies that work for me... of that I am proud, and I'm very happy to have those life-saving mental health first aid procedures in place... I've gotten better and more responsive at self-triage... I understand my triggers, and how to manage them when I am unavoidably brought into contact with them for short or even prolonged periods of time... I can spot the early warning signs that start to appear when I am heading too high, too low, or too weird... it's sometimes a fine line to try and self-diagnose, with a lot of questioning and self-doubt along the way until you get that "feel" for things... but over time, you get to know yourself, and you get to understand some pretty amazing revelations along the way... it's called self evolution, and it's how I try to roll...

It's been a simple matter of survival for me... evolve or die... my mental health issues made sure that I didn't have any easier or cosier alternatives than that... they stripped away all the rubbish, and left me standing in front of the mirror, looking myself very deeply in the eye indeed...

I looked so deep inside that I had to lose myself before I could find myself again...

For those of you who have experienced this life journey, you will know what I mean... you will understand... and for those of you who haven't experienced it, no world of words would ever be able to convey it to you... just wait your turn... it's magnificent and revelatory, a real life changer... prepare yourself... it's not an easy journey by any measure... but well, well worth it...

So here I am in the middle of a mixed episode... I feel so mentally on edge that nothing can describe it... you could cover me with honey and dump me on an ant nest... the physical equivalent of that would be nothing in comparison to the squirming going on inside the head of my thoughts, emotions and energies...

I know what my job is... survive it and learn from it... and I am doing my job using whatever I have learned along the way...

This is... I am almost scared to say it... very sane...

I would like to pose a statement to the general community online here on the the Sane forum...

I would say that, because of the mental health challlenges that we have to face, we are actually some of the sanest members of society, rather than the most loony...

We think of ourselves as having issues and disorders... we are sick... we are unwell... we are otherwise abled...

But I would suggest an alternative way of looking at it... we have met mental challenges head to head, and we have survived them... that makes us really very special indeed... we have been tested, and have lived to tell the tale... we have learned more about ourselves in the process... we are still here, for better or worse, to share this wonderful gift of life...

So, to quote myself... we are not mentally ill... we are merely on the edge of the human experience...

[Silenus]

@Former-Member... you wrote that amazing story, yes? The living Earth... ahhh... if indeed there is a soul, mine resonates with that fine reality right there... thank you... thank you... I so enjoyed reading that...

[Mazarita]

Hi @Silenus, yes I have experienced mixed states and experience them in an ongoing way, although in a milder form than previously due to medication helping keep the extremes of my bipolar at bay. I respect your decision to go the path of avoiding medication and am amazed that you do so well, as I doubt I could stand it.

The worst mixed state I experienced was after surgery in hospital. I wanted to throw myself out a window. The way they strike me is: inside my nervous system is wired to the max but this is so overwhelming my body becomes almost paralysed and I find it almost impossible to do anything physical at all. I'm feeling like this as I write now, but, as I said, to a lesser extent than my hospital experience, although still troubling and limiting of what I am able to do with myself (computer work is one of the few things I can stand to do in a state like this as it gives an outlet to nervous manic energy while not demanding much physically). Many a time the only thing I can do to balance myself at all in a state like this is sleep. I really feel for you having to go through anything like this without meds and it only increases my admiration for you.

Sending hugs, grounding vibes and hope that this will pass as quickly as possible for you. 

[Sans911]

@SilenusI have just read this post of yours, and I am blown away by it, in a good way. It's so honest and introspective, and although I can't see past tommorrow this stage, I would like to think that within 6 years, I might be a similar mental health space that you describe.

Although I do not have Bipolar, I have many similar traits being a EUPD/Borderline type; it's possibly why I was diagnosed as Bipolar2 for many, many months. My moods can and have swung widly in the last 6months, and over a longer time since becoming unwell 2years ago, but essentially they have been oscillating most of my life.I can go from happiness to incescing rage in 2secs at a thought or even one word. My appointments with therapists can have me in so, so many emotional places, as are times at home when I am being quiet and introspective, I can be smiling and crying aalmost at the same time.

I also am on no medications, except Melotanin, which isn't working anyway. I made this decision some months back during a horrid hospital admission, but thankfully I was supported in my decision (or did they even have a choice?). I am learning, with every tiny little step, to try to monitor my moods and manage (I would like to borrow your lovely word self-triage) my ups, downs and arounds, I am trying to use all the DBT skills I currently know, and I am researching more to understand them and how they fit with me, and I am trying to sometime just sit, acknowledge and radically accept intense, self destructive, horrid pain and feel every inch of it without doing myself any damage. Sometimes I am not sucessful, and my management tool box is missing peices of equipment.

I am trying to practice mindfulness most days, however, I am a poor time manager & not very good at goal setting, so I would like to get better at that as I realise the benefits are helpful.

So my evolutionary process is starting, and your lovely post has shown me that all things are possibly, to live with life itself, and 'roll with the punches as best as you can'. Thanks so much again, and your poetry is so superb I am often overwhelmed just thinking about it, and often why I can't comment on them. Please know that at least.

Hugs back at you

[BlueBay]

Sold and moving - my family home:

In one weeks time

This house won't be mine

I've cleaned all the grime

the dust and that spot of wine

The beautiful garden 

I won't need to water

I can concentrate now on my daughter

I'll leave behind all the memories

I don't want to take

And bring with me the good ones

and new ones I'll make

I have visions of what I'll do

and where I'll be

I'll need to let go of the old

and bring in the new

15 yrs is a long time to be in a place

and now my anxiety is in for a race

the waves are high

they're not coming down

But in 7 days time

I'll be able to unwind

And just try to be free

from all the past history

I hope I can let go

of all the misery

I hope I can move forward

and be happy just for me

I never thought moving was hard

And all the trauma that comes with it

But I'm glad I have a forum to express my pain

and happiness all in one ...........

[Mazarita]

Beautiful, @BlueBay! Kind wishes on the process. I believe the new brings wonderful things when it happens. Wonderful that you are able to express that so well. x