Poem - Colours

[Silenus]

Bipolar to me, as simply as I can describe it...

Colours

Sad but true
This little boy blue
This little boy red
Trapped in his head

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Silenus,
In your post mixer periods how do you find co-existing with others goes for you?
If you rather not say,other than poems I understand.
Trying to work a little out for myself..probably im feeling not so great of late.
Take care 😊..your poems are great.

[Silenus]

This and These

This fistful of muscles in my chest pumps life through my arteries and veins,
This curly grey-white blob in my head navigates abstract concepts and pains,
This intangible soul of mine yearns to believe that it exists and will live forever,
This iron will of mine sees me grit my teeth and never back down from any endeavour,
This weary gut has found its way to wisdom and folly in roughly equal measure.
These eyes have looked into Heaven and Hades, and all of the places in between,
These ears have heard joyous laughter and howling lamentation, noises good and noises mean,
These buds have tasted sweetest ambrosia and bitterest poison from the very same chalice,
These nostrils have smelled the delightful aromas of life and the pungent stench of death’s malice,
These drum-tight nerves have felt the agonising pain behind even the greatest pleasure.

This extreme life lived on the blee.ding edge,
This journey walked teetering on the narrow ledge,
This steepest tiring climb upon the steepest hill,
This soaring flying filled with untold pleasure and thrill,
This plummeting fall to the lowest of the low;

These blind and helpless questings, searching for some truth,
These epiphanous moments expressed in language so uncouth,
These realisations that life has no purpose but its own,
These precious delicate flowers from seeds lovingly sown,
These are the glorious and eternal purpose of my life’s ebb and flow.

[Silenus]

Thank you so much @Former-Member

You get a big warm hug and lots of happy vibes beaming your way... 🙂

Hmm... dealing with people is difficult after a mixed episode. Honestly... there is nothing that puts me through the ringer more than a bad mixer... I come out the other end rather worse for wear, but each time very glad to be alive...

It's so exhausting, when reality starts to jolt around, and your own thoughts and moods make no sense whatsoever... it is like a battleground, like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan, with all the chaos and destruction, and the battleground is my head...

Warring thoughts... warring emotions... warring energy levels... all coexisting at once, mixed together into a mental stew that leaves me reeling...

Understandably, after a mixed episode, I am quite exhausted for a few days, up to about a week or so... at the same time, I have this great contemplative calmness... it really is the calm after the storm... (or perhaps the calm before the next storm? Hahaha...)

So, after a mixer, I tend to avoid people (but then that seems to be fairly standard behaviour for me these days - I seem to be becoming more and more introverted...)

I have my lovely partner... we are always together... we've travelled together on the road for 2 and a half odd years now, and have rarely been apart... and we still haven't gotten on each others' nerves too much... hahaha...

Other than her, I kind of take people in short bursts as and when I feel up to it...

Sometimes, when the mood strikes me, I can still awaken the party animal...

But I prefer deep and meaningful conversations or just shooting the breeze with a small group of friends...

@Former-Member - I hope you feel better soon. There are a whole bunch of us struggling at the moment... natural seasonal variations... world events... all of that kind of stuff really can throw one out of whack...

Huggles... 🙂

[Silenus]

I hope people don't mind me scattering these poems of mine here...

It's amazing - I can recall the exact mental state I was in when I wrote all of these... the thoughts, the emotions...

I read the poems, and it brings me back to look at it again, detached and interested at the same time...

This poem was written at a time when I was rapid cycling with my moods and energy levels... for a while there, I would wake up not knowing if I was going to be hypomanic or depressed, or some weird thing in-between (I think that might be what people call "normal")...

Tomorrow’s Hue

I wonder what hue I’ll be tomorrow,
A colour of joy or a shade of sorrow;
My life as surmised by mounds of paint,
The sooty red of sinner and the pearly white of saint.

[Silenus]

This is another one of my favourite poems... I hope you enjoy it... huggles... 🙂

Ponder

I pondered my reflection
In the millpond waters
I offered genuflection
To all my sons and daughters
Merged and together
They looked reflectively back at me
Showing me crinkled leather
And the desire to be free

Another daughter another son
Racing each other down my cheeks
The tape is breasted the race is run
From me now this aqua vitae leaks

Falling through the empty space
Son and daughter keeping pace

Breaking through the surface tension
Creates a stir beyond mention

I ripple away for a while

[Silenus]

This poem was inspired when my lovely partner and I were in a little dusty outback town called Silverton (I think)... it was where they shot the movie Mad Max 2...

My lovely partner and I went for a walk in the cemetery, looking at the grave stones and paying our respects...

One headstone stopped me in my tracks... the simple inscription struck at my heart with such a strength... I got goosebumps, and this poem popped into my head in an instant...

The simple inscription, written by her husband on the headstone...

"Blighted hopes"

Blighted Hopes
(For Annie, Died 1889, Age 29)

With blighted hopes we face the dawn
Half of us triumph, half of us mourn
Half of us whole, half of us torn
Half of us built up, half of us worn
Half of us dead, half of us born
Blightedly hoping for another morn.

[Former-Member]

Thanks for sharing @Silenus..
It all makes a lot of sense to me.
Today I wish it would all pass by so I can wake up better tomorrow...but I've a young child so I'm forced to propel ahead.
I think you are right, alot of us are struggling of late and yes seasonal changes really throw me out.
Today is rain, ironically it was coming anyway inside my head...the rain...
I'd been great, not sleeping a great deal, much to my realisation as I now track it.
This has probably gone on a lot especially the last year and a half with another new child.
Babies do their best at throwing me out.
People talk of hibernation after births. I'm opposite all the adrenaline kicks in and I run on highs.
People marvel, wow your doing so well etc etc!
Sheesh...kind of silly really!
Well I wish I could achieve more but right now I've come to accept I'm just not.
I go on small tangents, then others treat me different and slowly I have to fight, think incredibly hard, to realize it's my silly self.
I don't feel a part of society much, but sometimes become life of the party...usual normal self?..who knows.
I like that you stick with your partner.
My partner keeps me on track, I recently felt I must be of hard work to him.
He says not we roll together.
So definitely he is my anchor.
I hope to get a little brighter, it's possible.
Sometimes I've got to not think on ahead, commitments etc, because it gets too much.
I just wish some days I could express the empty lonely feeling that creeps in....lingering her nasty head for longer than I know.
Right I've a toddler at my feet....
Thanks @Silenus...don't stop doing what you do!
😊:ok_hand:

[Silenus]

This poem was inspired by a visit to a jewellers... for some odd reason, I had always thought that I wanted a simple broad rounded ring made of platinum... dunno why, but it had been ticking away at the back of my head for donkey's years...

Then, one day, I walked into a jewellers shop to enquire about how much it would cost to get the kind of ring I wanted in platinum...

I tried on some cheap silver rings to try and get the right profile and size...

Then, the jeweller made some calls to find out how much it would cost for such a ring made of platinum...

Hahaha...

It was about 5 grand... hahaha...

I may be bipolar, and spend big from time to time, but there ain't no way never this little duck is going to spend 5 grand on a ring...

So I bought the cheap silver ring I liked instead... I bought it for 90 bucks...

I'm very happy with my cheap silver ring...

The poem deals with bipolar overspending, materialism, and what truly matters in life...

When you own something, rarely do you realise that the thing is actually owning you... you don't want to lose the thing or damage the thing or have the thing stolen, and so the thing owns you...

Annulus Cor

I bought myself this platinum ring,
This platinum ring is what I bought;
It cost me five grand, five grand!
This is the fever I have caught.

I wear this platinum ring on my finger,
On my finger is where I wear this platinum ring;
It cost me my hand, my hand!
When before I thought I would be a king.

I keep my hand in a velvet box,
In a velvet box is where I keep my hand;
I would not want to damage my ring!
It’s platinum, don’t you understand?

I take it out on special occasions,
On special occasions I take it out;
I show the people my platinum ring,
As I wave it graciously all about.

I wear this heart upon my sleeve,
Upon my sleeve I wear this heart;
I gave up one of my very hands,
But with my heart I will not part.

[Silenus]

Non compos mentis... it's Latin for not sane or in one's right mind...

With all the chaos of my thoughts inside my head, the shouts and the repetition, relief or peace is hard to find...

It would be unwise to self medicate using alcohol to the point where my thoughts are stilled, for even when I am reeling drunk and slurring my words, still I am able to write my clear sharp laser beam thoughts which burn through my mind always... I can't physically drink enough to still my thoughts without doing significant damage to my body...

In my youth... hahaha... yeah, well, I tried, as young fools do... hahaha...

But there is no peace to be found there...

Philosophy... personal evolution... Mindfulness... meditation... the middle way... all of these things, they help by being the quiet underneath the noise...

The quiet always exists underneath or beyond the noise, waiting for you to notice it and bask in its peace for a while...

I Don’t Think Non Compos Meant This

Non compos mentis,
I don’t think it meant this,
This unsound state of mind;

You would think without sound
The silence would astound,
But an unquiet mind is unkind;

From nowhere the sound
Continues to pound,
And ties continue to bind;

But beyond the sound
There’s a silence profound,
Of peace that’s been so hard to find.