Safe Haven

[outlander]

@Former-Member

'"im really trying to find ways to reach inside and pull out some happiness, a way to break out of the all consuming sadness and cynicism that my life has come to, a bit like the old pulling a rabbit out of a hat trick.

Those old 'fake it till you make it' platitudes don't work anymore, if they ever really did. I do remember being happy though, I wasn't always like this. This crept up on me, but once it took hold, it hasn't really let go no matter how I've tried to loosen it's grip. 

What I did was cover it up. Being the light in the darkness for everyone else seems to have only made things worse for me in the end. Now, I'm living on the edge, day after day after day, but no one else really gets it, perhaps that's my own fault for trying not to be a burden to anyone else with my own truths. "

woah @Former-Member very powerful. almost like you read my own thoughts! 

im sorry your parents had said those things to you, thats not nice at all. im feeling for you alot 

hoping your day was ok today. i cant make omlettes either-  jsut scramble them. all goes down the same way anyway  

[Former-Member]

Thank you for your kind words @Snowie. You know, when I bought those sandals a couple of years ago (I buy 2 to 3 pair of the same style in different colours because shoes are a problem issue for me) they only had them in black and red and for about an hour I ummed and ahhhed about whether to get them or not.

The negatives about red shoes, red nail polish, red lipstick (yet ma wore red Revlon lipstick), sometimes even red dresses were just piled on top of each other. Complicated by the fact that I was wearing a brand new red floral on a white background dress, for the first time, the day I was abducted.

I can wear red clothing now without much more than a second or third thought, but it's never ever mindless. Yellow underwear though, nope have never been able to wear yellow underwear, or let my daughters wear them either.

I try to buy some every couple of years or so, and the reaction is still the same. Nope, nope. I got to the checkout with a pair one time, had to leave the line though and take them right back to the stand. 

I've had panic attacks from the sight of one of those sharp things made of metal with a bone handle. It's not a good look to take me into an army disposal store where those hunting things are on display! 

I tried not to be defined by those things Snowie, I had a moment, a finite moment, a scene I can still recall with near perfect clarity, over a year after the assault, where a young man whom I respected and thought a very great deal of were speaking about marriage, about what he'd have to have in a partner.

It was in that moment that I realised that if I were to live a life that was not defined by that assault, I'd have to do something drastic. (short version) I said to myself, "This did not happen." I suppressed that memory for many years, but the knowledge, and the damage to my body, not to mention my mind, still ate at me in ways that would not let go. 

You can tell it's leading up to a specific traumaversary (thank you OhanaSystem for the word) time, hey. 

[Former-Member]

@outlander thank you for you kind words, I'm often surprised by how similar so many people feel about their different experiences. You often put into different words exactly how I feel about a particular issue too. 

The scrambled egg instead of omelette was actually really yummy, so that ended well. Washing done, drying done. Some relaxation and online gaming done. Delivery came. Soon to get the mail and watch some tv for a bit before dinner. 

When I was young I was such a happy child, so positive, so bubbly, at least that's how I remember it. I have been told though by those arouond me (not family, but a couple who looked after me when ma couldn't) that I was a sombre, sober and very thoughtful child. These two are at odds with each other, yet I think the truth lies somewhere in between. 

I loved the movie Pollyanna (yes, I am that old) and tried to be upbeat and see the good in things just like that girl. Of course it's only a way to get through each day, each awful thing that happens, but it seemed to work - right up until it stopped working that is. 

I do still love the rainbows made by light refraction though, and that can still bring a smile to my face. I have diamond shaped refractor at my window so I can have rainbows on my wall when the sun shines through it. 
My parents sucked, but maybe they did the best they could, but then I realise some of the things that came after and just can't let them get away with that. It doesn't gel. I know I could have been a different parent myself, perhaps not better, but different. 

Dinner will be pork cutlets with something - I've forgotten - maybe vegetables or maybe a garlic bread roll I've premade and froze a while back. Have to eat for the abx, but so not really wanting to. 

Oh, @outlander, tried to get Sustagen the other day, but it has stuff in it now that I can't have, so, pharmacist went through ALL the things with me, and we found Daily Protein that I had for the first time this morning.

It's suitable, not yummy, but given I can only use water to mix it not milk, that's going to be a given. We're tryiing it to maybe help my innards get better without having to do anything invasive to them. I'm using it as a meal replacement (when abx finished) because it's so hard to eat solids when I'm so stressed. It's mainly pea protein, but only 79cals/ 1.4gm carb per serve. 

All in all, a reasonable day. Writing here has helped to keep me in the present, thank you everyone for your kindness and comments. Much appreciated. 

[outlander]

@Former-Memberim having a rather horrid night so finding it hard to get out what i want to say but ill be back as i want to give you a proper response when i can

[Former-Member]

No hurry, sweetie. You look after you, please. Is there anything I can do to help? @outlander

[outlander]

@Former-Memberthe thread im on atm is called Rough Time on the last 3 pages, your welcome to have a look but no pressure to respond. thank you

[Former-Member]

Today has been a little more settled, most of the pain is being dealt with by the anti biotics, then there's the fallout from them to deal with, but mostly okay. 

My rabbit out of the hat thing today was to get some seeds planted in my pots. As I was tidying the pots, refertilizing and choosing the seeds, I realised one of the things adding an extra layer to the depth of my despair this time has been the change of season and what that has meant this year for me. 

For a variety of reasons, inability mostly, I've had to forgo one of my favourite pass times, gardening. I chose to keep a few pots of things I felt I could nto part with. Unfortunately, over the searing heat and dryness of the past summer, many of those well loved plants perished. That did add to my sadnesses in the way that such things do. 

Usually, when the seasons change, I'm quite active replanting the garden with the new salad and vege patches. Lots of time spent in the lead up working out what goes where and all that stuff, which I did not get to do this year. I still have quite a number of seed packets, even after giving away most of them. 

I sat outside in the shade going through my box of seeds, deciding what to plant in the planters already empty and found some solace in the realisation that I could put some flower seeds in some of them.

I've had much difficulty in 'wasting' resources with flowers, as much as I really do love flowers, since finding myself with the new labels and life of differently abled.  

So, I have some Marigold seeds in with the Sorrel and in a pot of their own. Some Portulaca in with the Beetroot (for their salad leaves), and on the edge of the Rosemary. Tomorrow I may put some of the other seeds in. Some are old, out of date, but I can't just toss them out, I feel I have to give them a chance to do what they probably can still do! 

I'll probably forget what is where, so I marked the spots where seeds are with broken cd's  to remind me change has happened. (unwanted CD's are great to reflect light into pots/places that don't get enought sunlight - similarly to how Egyptians used mirrors). I just hope I don't inadvertently 'weed' the newly planted seedlings when they come up. 

Now to wait for them to germinate. Always with the waiting. 

[outlander]

@Former-Member

[Former-Member]

The rabbit is stuck in the hat, I can see the little blighter down there, and I reckon he's just laughing at me and my efforts. But I'm not going to be put off, I'll just try a different approach. 

I'd thought I'd lifted myself further than I obviously had, because the last few days I'm finding the wounds from the way words are used are still going deep. I fight the response to withdraw, but sometimes removing myself is the best option for me. I am not yet recovered well enough to stray too far. 

So many things in the world that weigh on my heart and mind. So many decisions at high levels, national, international, that simply don't make sense. It sometimes feels like undiscipined, inexperienced, unfeeling and uneducated experimental robots are in charge and the only thing that matters is the bottom line of finance. Well, that's the truth though, about the bottom line of finance, sadly. 

In an effort to outsmart the tricksy habits of the elusive happiness rabbit, I've (finally) set up the table (I needed help) and brought out the chosen jigsaw puzzle. Now another level of distraction can begin! And FU to that rabbit, he'll eventually starve if he stays in that hat!

This is the current puzzle SunsOut 'A Covered Bridge in Spring'. 

The herbs are drying for later tea making supplies, the washing up is done, some other chores sorted and now I will go do some craft or watch some tv and crochet. 

[outlander]

your determination is admiring @Former-Member keep up the great work!  

im really glad you found something to help you besides the sustagen too and the abx are working. its not nice feeling yukky and sick. it can bring us down too

enjoy your puzzleing. this one looks pretty, id love to be there in that scenery