Moving forward

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom Over the last three years I have become so lost and disconnected with myself. I have forgotten much of my life from prior to 5 years ago when I first came undone. I am hoping to do the art program next term where I will be trying to find a new creative outlet. 

I'm glad you are holding your own at the moment with your current difficulties and anniversaries as well.💜💐😊 

@Faith-and-Hope I see you around and send you many hugs and hope tonight went ok. Sorry I didn't get back. I was preoccupied with my head and stuff. I'll catch up tomorrow no doubt. Really hoping you are ok. 💜😊💐

[Former-Member]

@Faith-and-Hope When I posted my last post to you I hadn't read yours. I know that I have to find a way to like myself. The self hatred runs pretty deep. I always find compassion for everyone else but I'm always the exception. I've not got passed this yet. When I first heard about self compassion I couldn't deal with it. I've moved forward in that I see how it would help more than hinder but I'm just at the beginning of it all. There have always been two sets of rules and standards , one for me and one for everyone else. My therapist is working fairly intensively on this when she can. Thank you for posting that though. That is a list I can work from as it falls into place. Thanks for your support, I know you are exhausted. 💜😊💐

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member .... 😏

Just park that list up for now if it's too intense, and come back to it later ....

My mama taught me to be my own best friend from early on .... some thing I think she worked out through many years of ill health as a child with many hours in bed recovering from pneumonia and such, which were life-threatening in her era .... and in the company of a mother with an undiagnosed mi of some description which left them with a strained and barely functional relationship.

I am only really becoming aware of what a gift that was .... something I have, perhaps, taken a bit for granted ...

It provides me inner fortitude .... and I wish this for you ... but as you said, your journey with this is under way ....

Be well @Former-Member

The party for S2 went very well for him, and everyone else .... yes, I am somewhat exhausted, but feeling emotionally bruised probably more so .... WH was emotionally and physically absent through all the preparations for, and in the day, whereas previously it was something we took on together, and part of the joy is the journey towards the goal .... not only was he absent, but it's a two-parent job, and he was hand balling his previous workload to me when I had my own three-ring circus to manage .... not my monkeys but all over my circus anyway .... 

Same happened with D3's 18th, but his time even more so .... a rude reminder that he is not who he was .... compassion absent, joy absent, critical of my efforts over holding up his end ..... grrrr .... blah .... it came together anyway and with some style .... and then he waltzes into the night in "charmer" mode and carries it off as the perfect host ..... grrrr .... blah .... but still nowhere near conscious that he's not well, and looking well to everybody there who is not in the know ....

D1 whispers in my ear across the night, "Let it go Mum .... just switch off .... can't help him so just let it go ...." and we have to, or the night and all it means becomes lost to us .... lost to the illness ....

I will be fine .... just feeling bruised today .... and I know you have picked that up already .... 💜😘💐

Your compassion is soothing and welcome .... thanks for being here ....

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member, sounds like a real dunking wave is tossing you around. Try not to fight it, relax and you'll get through it soon enough, wash the gritty sand off, and marvel at your own resilience. I think you're amazing. Go easy on yourself. Two steps fwd one step back is still progress.

I just settling down after a nasty flashback. Forgive me if I upset you earlier, just been pushing myself hard this weekend and pushing myself hard in the garden and wishing I had someone here. Someone who cares & can help with the heavy stuff. Just end up laughing at the pain sometimes, bit crazy but nobody sees it.

Do you know anything about varnish ring furniture? Almost finished sandingvthese drawers & wondering what to do next. Beautiful boodgrain.

[Former-Member]

woodgrain

[Former-Member]

Chin up F&H, WH is pulling away, and it hurts you, so sorry. Hope he can reconnect again some day, he must be so lonely where he is.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @Former-Member ....

Thats what support services are saying, and I think most if not all of their counsellor's are coming from lived experience with e.d.'s, either as sufferers, or carers for sufferers .... that he's still in there somewhere .... and when he comes out of it is when he will understand where he's been ....

And yes, it must be a very lonely place ....

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member

@Former-Member

@Faith-and-Hope

[Former-Member]

Morning @Former-Member, I just read your post this morning. I've not been feeling well since we got home yesterday. I read somewhere the thoughts never leave us, it's always there, we just choose not to act on them. I feel lousy on help today but is what I do know, is that each day I look forward to hear from you, & others I've connected with each day. It honestly has changed my outlooks to not feel so alone. You personally have such kind, thoughtful, knowing insights, & help many. I am in an all make household,being head female...and that's a load! For us. Males are perfect company, but at times I'm swamped!! In one way, I feel blessed because ive got. 3 protectors to help me when I get old! Lol. Our boys love us, & hate seeing us hurt. At the end of the day, I'm tipping you are more of a rock to them, than you'll ever know. I find it hard to treat myself to small things, maybe you do too. I like everyone to be happy first. But I'm learning, in order to be there for them, I have to be kinder to me too. I hope Today u feel a bit brighter, even for 10 min in the sun. You are a beacon of light to many.😘

[butterfly101]

I see a counseller yes and waiting on help i do walk and try as i sometimes get alot of aniexty which has increased