Moving forward

[Faith-and-Hope]

@utopia

I married into a family that waxed hot and cold to manipulate others into doing their bidding .... I have a strong peace-keeping sub-personality, and had to learn how to deal with this cos it was ruining my day, every day ....

Learned to be passively-defensive to protect myself from it and raise the kids in that environment without taking on that value system as their own .... not that it's evident in teenaged baby dragons .... lol .... but when they start to drop their scales you can see the hard-won results of overturning negative family traits .....

Didn't see that WH would fall into that hole as a part of a mid/life crisis .... what a shocker !!

🐠🐠🐠

[Kurra]

Hi @Appleblossom
I've chosen to deal with people's opinion of me / criticism a bit differently from @Faith-and-Hope. I don't respond to the person involved at all or just maybe a nod of the head and excuse myself. I acknowledge that every person is entitled to their own opinion but I DO NOT have to agree with them. After that I try to shrug the comment off and get on with being me. Me being a valuable and considerate human being. For me it's important to remember that the other person may be having a lousy day. 🎶🎶🎶💕

[Appleblossom]

Thanks for responding @Kurra

The cold shoulder lady was engaging with others near her and wrapping them round her and "playing court" with them ... so no ... she wasnt having a bad day ... but very deliberately excluding and cold shouldering ... she was a centre of attention lady ... catty and cliquey ...

after a while I disengaged ...

but she also drew a newcomer into the game .. who she organised to stand next to me .. that person then felt a bit guilty and said a few things just before start of concert .. that were aware of it, real and decent and so we sang ok together.

it is history for now ... but as a child I never had anyone to discuss this kind of thing with ... it really helped me to raise it here .. and go in with the strength that I did not need to submit to her bad form.. but it also wasnt just my imagination or my paranoia.

I think the conductor and accompanist like me being in choir ... so maybe that upset her ... we cant please them all.

[Kurra]

@Former-Member
When we spend more time down than up we fall into the habit of negative thought patterns. If you pay attention to some of these thoughts you'll realise that a lot of them are word for word every time.

Breaking these thought patterns can be quite a challenge but it is possible. I've used a process called thought stopping. It tends to be a slightly controversial technique and cognitive restructuring is frequently recommended instead. However I've found thought stopping to be more effective in getting rid of those repetitive habitual thoughts than having to go through the longer process of rewording what I've thought.

It does take practise though. When I have a troublesome thought start in my mind I scream STOP in my mind as if my life were in danger. The thought stops for a second or two and then returns so I scream stop again and the thought stops for a tiny bit longer and so it goes on and on. I have managed to obliterate several un-useful completely. In the beginning it's far from an instantaneous solution but if you keep on working at it.... well I've found it miraculous. Mind you I don't recommend trying to do for more than one thought at a time. When you've got the first one reasonably under control then work on another one.
Have I confused you completely?
Hugzzz 💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

I hear you @Kurra .....

I only dealt with them at the time cos I had to .... we were in business together .... and I had three kids under 2yo, one with severe disability and illness .... every day was survival and I couldn't make it on my own ..... had to develop coping strategies or break down .... and if I broke down they would have been raising my kids .....

And that was a big "no thank you !!"

You're right about some having a bad day .... these guys had had a bad life .... and I had to learn to draw boundaries on my empathy .....

Just is they had had a bad life didn't entitle them to give ma a bad life too .... got to the point of letting them know that, loud and clear .....

But if you're dealing with strangers who are on that page it's a different story. A single enounter is unlikely to make a huge difference .... so I try to wish them well in my mind, but avoid having to engage ..... I don't think they're happy people.

To me, happy people treat others well.

❤

[utopia]

@Faith-and-Hope. What a toxic environment you were caught in. How wonderful that you learnt techniques to keep your mind safe from their abuses. And then to raise your children to not follow the path of their dads family - that's what I call a true hero.
By the way who is WH

[Faith-and-Hope]

@utopia

😊 WH is my "Wayward Husband" ..... he has lost his way and wandered off into an eating disorder with extreme ocd patterns. Think it started as a mid-life crisis and channelled into this ....

[utopia]

@Faith-and-Hope. I'd been trying to figure it out for ages.
I hope he is getting help for this & not pretending everything is fine.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@utopia

Nope ...... truckin' on at 100mph thinkin' he's king of the world ..... like "everybody wants to be me ...!"

It's gonna be a rough deal till he wakes up or breaks down .....

I obviously needed to develop more coping strategies ......

❤💕

[Former-Member]

❤ @Faith-and-Hope