Living with Ourselves

[Jacques]

hi @Sophia1 my beautiful friend. 

i know what you mean with being depressed, it can go one of two ways, you help each other or just make each other worse, i have to manage this with my partner as we both have sever anxiety and depression, luckily for us we seem to be able to  support each other through difficult times. 

yes the heat is awful, we have had 2 weeks of 40+ temps. it has been truly awful, i have a auto immune disease called vitiligo it attacks all the skin pigmentation, so i am at a very high risk of skin cancer because my body can't protect itself from UV rays. so anything i do outside i have to do early morning or late in the afternoon. i have lost my gardenia unfortunatly. so i will have to replace it. i don't think it was lack of water, i think mum migh have accidentily got roundup on it. 

i have not been up to a great deal, helped my aunt move house this week and just working on my bmx bike, painting. (not good for my lungs) i am wearing a mask but still affects them. 

stay safe @Sophia1 hugs my friend. 

[tonys]

@Sophia1   Hello again Sophia.   Yes that was definatley deep enough. .  .  .

Think you should be the one editing the dead sea scrolls.   I'll say a little here and go to your longer post in land sea air L g t q  opps  lost my train, got the world pride concert in the back round.  

Depression,   that is a tough gig my friend.  One I just can't see into never having been there.

Well, . . a long time ago I was in encased  in a coat of something black and hard,  and quit by accident and experiment I woke up one morn, obsidian in a pool next to the bed. . .   I just put on another coat and found another stage.

Between you and me and don't tell any one else,   .   . I think there is more than just one of me living under this coat.   I have been many shades of happy,  My light burned brightest on the darkest streets.     I  miss   em  big time.

I see you found the last night with jay,  letter,    I wanted to spare you that experience,  You are too beautiful to have to know that death in the real world can be that ugly.

The mother.   If thats not a story I don't know what is.   I only know from the bookkeeper just how hard and relentlessly tiring it can be to be with me.   trying to find your way from one broken light house to the next in a busted ship with welding goggles on you have no fear,. . . .  that shows very often.   But even when you are on the ropes.    Like a wild white horse,  you just will just not be broken.  I so admire that you can still manage a smile and a wave even in your darkest hours.   There's not a scrap of self pity.  Just a lady walking through life with her arm around her injured child,   and a barbed wire cross on her back.

No wonder your legs gave out in the heat.   You are watering plants that are just to week to drink.    Yes sorry,   I did accidently read your post to your friend.   My tears are precious.  

If i'm going to cry for any one I'll cry for you.

Yes you smart bugger. . .     I  do have more than one of me in my head. but we carry each other,   Some fight ,  some sing,  and tonight they sing for you my friend. 

  tonys  moon base 1

[Sophia1]

Hello @tonys 

I can't keep up

Flitting from the sea, land, air, whatever world to here and supporting my friend who you found out about. I need to respond there, because it means a lot to me.

I have another friend who leaves a new poem for me to read, for which I feel so honoured.

I love the world of writing.

I know what you are thinking. No I do not have many friends on here.

You have many and are not aware perhaps.

People love you for who you are.

I ran out of my sleeping tablets last night...not good... cat worked it out...must have sonar something going on.

First time ever decided to join my side of bed...Very hot night...timing not best..no sleep ..no tablet..

So eventually his weight leaning against me...he has a double coat...very heavy..overweight...husband overfeeds him...

He then settled into purring mode while I tried to soothe my agitation, restlessness and weariness.. As I wrote elsewhere sounded like a souped up state of the art lawn mower.

Every now and again he would get off the bed and scratch the carpet so I would jump up to tell him off...round and round like in another time zone.

So I thought best that I not respond to what you have opened up about.

Now this is my tell it as it is side..

I am not tolerant or accepting of what you write about.

I am writing to a friend with whom I am connecting more and more.

I miss some meanings and get somethings wrong sometimes.

That happens with everyone to whom I respond.

Sometimes Tonys it is my head that is misbehaving.

Yes, yes, yes I do not see autism...I see Tonys

I do not see any other diagnosis.

I see Tonys.

That is me...that is how I am in real life.. I pick up on people's vibes now as well.

This is in the last couple of years.

I am learning to trust this sense.

Your vibes are real..

That is all that I will say for now.

I am tired.

I am going to sign off and rest.

Go outside where it is wet ...

I love rain.

I love puddles.

My garden loves rain...real water..

Bye for now..

Please tell me that the carpet snake is nowhere near the computer..

Please thank your lovely, king, caring bookkeeper...

Even those who wield wooden spoons have warm hearts..

Can she move in permanently?

[wordman]

@tonys Hey tonys. Your writings remind me of counting crow songs. 

Regards 

Wordman

[tonys]

@Sophia1   Hey there buddy.     Its not your head misbehaving.   Its me misbehaving.  Thin ice and sharp skates,    the other me.

I just say first,   I love your letters the sweet n sour recipe,  Don't touch it.  And the compliments you send are attached to some useful advice about what to do with the bag I've got and spend time wisely.    

And your always fighting to lift yourself and your boy to a higher plain.  Leaving a damage trail 

as you thunder through.     They are paid to help you.  I'm here to distract you,  maybe help you,  some times be a handful.

and sometimes if I ever make you not like me.   It will,  for a moment,   make you like your self a bit more by tapping your steam relief valve.  

I have the odd indigenous kids come out when there at odds the whole world.     On go the gloves and they just take it out on me.    As you can imagine,  its not to hard for someone like me to provoke em into swinging.    Even cracked my cheekbone last year.

Then its down the river for a swim, a feed   and they go home right for a while

Mate I spent most of last night having a drink and thinking about that boy of yours.

It got me big time because,  well you  know why.

Thats where this internet thing really sh*%# ts  me,  because you know I would scour the earth and raze every building till I found him.    sorry mate. . .

Would love to read one of your friends poems one day,  but Maybe thats too  personal

Don't read my stuff when you are dark.    Its for the time slot between what's on TV and the dreamworld channel.  or  your in  mid  altitude  mood.  .   tonys  moon base one.

Now I'm going to very slowly devour every last bit of you letter one more time.    thankyou

@Sophia1 

[tonys]

@wordman    hello mate.   thanks for your kite.   Sent you one ages ago.  Before the last ice age I think.   anyway ,  last I remember you were a well sorted,  look up in the sky  guy.  Hope,   well no,   I'm sure you are good.  I remember you've got friends in high places.

O H    YES    now I remember,   I sent you my old report card.   try telling me you didn't at least have a chuckle at it.

I had to log out to see the crow connection.  A band..     You can bet I will check em right out tomorrow.   Your last tip  finished first by a nose on my turntable,  and Ive got a tough field of ponies.  

I have a thing for crows.   Must be the dispassionate eyes.   their just waiting,  and time is on their side. . . !

Anyway  I'm  Just the same old crazy flock of fools in a barnacled coat and hat.   Throw some raw meat at it,   and laughter echoes back.

Observation.  .  .  .   Football game,.  .  .  .  winners and losers  smiles  aggression

 I'm watching Mardi Gra while typing to you  .  .  .   just smiles     and  love.

tonys  moon  base one

[Sophia1]

@tonys 

Not sure if yourself or the bookkeeper is firing up the laptop tonight

Now don’t you dare let that other matter stop you from being yourself

take a break if you need one

forums can be very trying in more ways than one

quite a bit going on

will be in touch as soon as I can

certainly loved the bistro outing and my goodness

that red comb would have made me smile

your friend Sophia1

hugs

[tonys]

Ok @Sophia1    I put something on the stove.  like to take meds with tucker if possible.  

Last nights stew with steamed dim sims  lobbed in for good luck.   Listen mate have to stop again.  this guy keeps seending and even down on my knees begging wont stop him.   Is their a way I can get the moderators attention .   I did try tagging them but no luck.   you know your way around can you help please .  I  cant even talk to you with out his name flashing across my screen.    will try to come back  tonys

[tonys]

Hello @Sophia1    what started as the best night on sane is now the worst.   Typed a longer wone asking about your boy and you and mentioning the guy ...  hist posts still hammering me.

then talked about my ticker meds and sane axed all my work because i forgot and said the name of the heart pill Im on runing out up here,  so sending short posts  incase the get chopped

again . Im a bundle of nerves and fingers at the moment   tonys  back soon

[tonys]

@Sophia1    Im not even looking at this guys stuff but you know when someones chasing you ,  It gets to you.        back in min   tonys