Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

Need to log off

I am in bed resting or trying to

not feeling the best

phone about to fade away

Until we meet again

caio

sophia1

🙏

[Shaz51]

Ohhh sending you lots of hugs my friend @Sophia1 ❤❤

[maddison]

Hi @Sophia1 

Thankyou so much for reaching out to me.

Isn't this a funny, strange happening.

Today, you popped into my head a couple of times. I can't recall exactly what I was thinking - maybe it was about your story that you shared... Maybe I was wondering if or when we would communicate much in the future.

Anyway, when I read 

This message is to let you know that I can be with you in thought during those times without judgement of any kind.

And...

I want to let you know that I am thinking about you.

It made me stop for a moment & realise the thoughts id been having previously in the day.

It made me think, that perhaps your gesture of 'being with me in thought through hard times' was maybe really what had already occurred today!

Thankyou for supporting me - without even knowing me - you really have no idea what this is doing for me at this moment.

I hope you accept my offer, that however I can - I will return the favour & try my best to give you strength & happiness too.

I don't like the empty feeling either. 

The aloneness I have been feeling lately could fill an entire world. Or maybe there is no world left for me to fill? It's a feeling of nothingness... And no one.

It's not always there. Yesterday was good for me - in comparison. This morning I woke up, & was singing an old song of mine that I'd forgotten, whilst I made my tea & attended to morning chores.

The song is called,

You're beautiful to me, by Little Birdy. She is a great Aussie artist who was popular 15 years ago.

There is a line in the song that goes ...

And there is a love (love love) here, that is with me.

Yes, I agree, we often don't reply to all the words we read in a post - it's so true that they affect us - even though we couldn't properly acknowledge.

Thankyou for explaining that @tonys has back Packers looking after his farm. I read that sentence in his kite, it confused me & I wasn't registering what he was saying.

Maybe you have emerged from the darkness too? If only momentarily?

Returning, reciprocating Moos - to you & Moon base one. (& Cute calves)

🌹🌹🌹🌹

[tonys]

@maddison  hello maddison.   hope you are in good spirits , and im with you regardless.    ive put pen to parchment a few times but failed to launch for reasons i cant explain.  Never will trains evoke such emotion in me.  That letter of yours is a keeper.  two carriages pass in the night.  locked in opposing destinations and time phase.   Are those your that hunger in that window.   Next stop the town of hope,  population ... kindred spirits ...  You ,  the city ,   some place beyond.   But its that same star filled sky that we will meet , find truth ,  answers,  forgiveness for our selves,  in each other.  We will be grateful for the will to cross those busy roads you speak off,  while too many lost their way.   A flickering neon across the street will do for my thunder storm  tonight. when you dream , will you be that queen of the highway one more time,   Theres a truth in you maddison that tells me that one day we will meet at the same station in one of our many lives to come.  we payed for our tickets in this life and wont be denied.     As it turns out , the hotel does have a cleaning ladyand this room it seems was her oasis in a gloomy life of endless toil.  Unfortunately it was her half bottle of gin that i found.  A mix of broken english asian verbal artillery fire had me thumbing some bills from my wallet and fumbling word of apeasement.  I could tell from her face that her partner led with his right and probably wore more than one ring.  What can i say.  Some people play cards,  i search rooms and faces.  Stayed another night so i could give her another bottle and some asian sweets..Sharred a sip,  smoked the peace pipe and looked at black and white pics of her younger life in a distant land.  All those tears that clowns cry corked up in a bottle.  New day tomorrow,   new presents await.   Open and enjoy....   tonys  from moonbase one

[tonys]

@maddison Sorry maddison.  sent the last kite in such a hurry i forgot to read it.   corrections are .... hungry eyes at the window,   and you the city , me some place beyond.  hope that makes some sense.  and just re read your latest still warm out of the oven.  need to find that song and feel it soak in before i think up an air ship to you.     hope you could tell from my words that i care about you mate, and im sure im in the company of others....  I  have a book keeper in charge and some back packers i trust looking after my place, freeing up my mind to wonder the streets i learnt my survival skills on and to buy some specialist physician some new golf clubs to tell me something i already know.  For me to smile i have to know your smiling too maddison my special friend..    please say hi to sophia 1 for me .  her letter is still in the cooking pot ,  i am slow to the mail box and back, but all your words are kept alive under this old duffle coat and hat.  my legs are disappearing which means whoever thought me into existence must be waking from there nightmare..... quick,,, gotta go tonys moon base one  

[Sophia1]

Hello  @maddison 

I managed to mess up a message yet again to a dear friend on another thread. Something she definitely does not need. I feel dreadful.

Computers have never been my friend.

Back to here and now.

I have had brief moments of lifting out of what I sometimes refer to as the abyss.

I won't go into detail.

Gardening helps.

I love watching my garden grow and change.

I have always been at one with nature since being a very young girl.

We moved around so much and the good part about that was experiencing so many different environments.

My environment has a huge impact on my moods.

I did love your last post.

I strongly believe that it is possible to reach another with the power of the mind.

The question being whether the recipient is open to such.

You are.

I am pleased that I have found you.

There is so much yet to be discovered about ourselves.

As always different for each of us.

Some people do not think this way and will not experience reaching another in a form where there are no scientific explanations.

I am thinking that you also are very deep like myself.

Are you sensitve also?

I am.

In the real world, not the virtual one, I also find myself sensing that others are struggling without them expressing anything verbally.

Communication within the  real world is so very different to the virtual world as I know you are very aware.

I notice some people sensing something different about me and not feeling comfortable. I think it might be that depth again.

It is a part of who I am and not something that I can leave at home when I go out laugh.

So in the past I found myself thinking of others and bringing the focus all about them to help them feel better.

I still do this with a few people but not as many or as often.

In real life I purposely spend less time with people these days as trying to help others feel more at ease is draining and adds to the feeling of being alone.

I am comfortable with this now only wanting to spend time with people in real life who do not drain me.

Tis me.

You wrote:

The aloneness I have been feeling lately could fill an entire world. Or maybe there is no world left for me to fill? It's a feeling of nothingness... And no one.

I do relate strongly to those words.

For me the aloneness filling an entire world represents the enormity of feeling on one's own is overwhelming.

There will always be a world for you @maddison 

I would tell myself at this time, that my soul is telling me to not consider the world; focus on myself as a whole; mind and body. Focus on myself without all of the thoughts; mind chatter. Focus purely on the essence of my being. Just within the very moment.

This I share with you.

You helped me immensely also with your reply and invitation to get to know one another more in whatever way we are each comfortable with.

It will always be our own choice to write about what we each feel comfortable about.

That was a special gift and I thank you.

I too hope that you continue to have moments of moving away from the darkness to a more comforting space. I know that you will even though at the time it does not feel that way.

I am thinking at this very moment  that we are actually bravely facing the depths of ourselves.

The fact that we can talk about this so openly; recognising our own boundaries can help us.

I will always tread carefully.

A friendship in the making.

Look forward to reading more of what you wish to share.

On that note I read the beautifully moving response from @tonys to you and am touched by the special friendship that is forming between you.

Thank you for the song. I love the tone of her voice.

[Sophia1]

Thank you my friend @Shaz51 

I hope today that you can make some time for you.

Something that I have learnt is that life still continues and does not fall to pieces if I take 15 minutes out for myself.

In fact often those people we invest so much energy in are so busy withing their own worlds they do not notice.

If they do come looking for us it does not hurt them to realise that they too can wait.

In fact they learn how important we are to them and how much we do.

You are probably sick of hearing this.

So I shall send you a calming photograph within my album.

It will be a surprise for me to if I can find it laugh.

I am smiling with you

big hugs

Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Hello @tonys 

I did not want to disturb you as know that you are busy on your mission.

Your words to @maddison were so touching and beautiful.

I have enjoyed meeting you and reading your special style of story telling, laced with humour that is yours and priceless.

Please do not feel pressure to reply to me if you have limited time.

I want for you to respond to those who bring you joy and hope.

Write to me only if that is what you wish to do.

Keep on being yourself and please do not compare yourself to others.

Others are insignificant.

You are Tonys as I am Sophia1 and Maddison is she.

We are who we are and this means far more than measuring up to some effigy of another.

Take care

Sophia1

ps hope those calves are being spoilt

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Sophia1 I saw you popping by with likes and then noticed your tag. Thank you.

You wrote "A little of the darkness has lifted which of course allows the tears to flow.

We have to allow our emotions to move when they are able to."

I never realised you identified as "on the spectrum". I think you have a lot more emotional intelligence than I do ... can only hope I learn ... I will .. focus .. on the "lifting" "flowing" and "moving" aspect of feelings for a while.  Noticing them, not needing to fix ... or even name them ... oh that is such and such ... as yes words and labels can have different effects within our psyche. I adopted more scientific outlook in a self protective manner to cope with all the religious imagery and issues I dealt with when young, but there are serious limitations within the sciences and I am working on the emotional side of things more. A part of personality is more lighthearted and gentle than scientific ... so I am trying to just enjoy who I am rather than worrying about anything too much.

I really enjoyed the train trips and the music.  The artists were wonderful.  After Covid's devastations live music has really suffered and many worldclass musicians are now on contract with insecure work. There were people I knew from various choirs so it was sociable and pleasant. I walked everywhere and to and fro from my room. I gave my son the run of the house which he enjoyed. So a win win.  The town and gig locations were beautiful and it was a celebration of country life: we had 3 real sheep at the church for "Sheep may safely graze". CWA scones were also an item. Something I may do next year.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVVd-gjR8Qk 

@Jacques 

I really appreciate your overall personality and dedication to your family, garden, projects and your partner. I remember your models. Love the bike too.  Have we had any bike talks? I used to ride in my teens.  Sold Yammie RD400 before my 21 st birthday to travel overseas.  Not all bike riders are wild or anti-social.  For me it was practical and social.

@maddison @Shaz51 New friends and old friends together.

I enjoy @tonys offbeat humour too.  Does not mean we have to eat pizzas from the ground! lol  Could really relate to looking out windows with my train trip. Cheers mate.

[tonys]

@Sophia1   hello Sophia hope this finds you in or takes you back to your sunny patch of green.  Cows do have such sleepy peaceful eyes dont they. The world is changing so fast isnt it.  I used to think my over grown patch of weeds was a symptom of malaise.  Now anything that grows in my garden of apathy is welcome.  Uncle google has turned those weeds into newfound sustenance .  In my sunny patch, symbiosis is king.  The greater the range of plants , people, colors , cultures, races of people and ideas , all holding hands, the greater the chance of  survival for us all.  You are a real searcher to Sophia,   part of me is glad that its just beyond your finger tips...The chase gives you purpose,.... the search surrenders the meanings.      You are so right ... Its by my own hand i seek the darker side ... behind the mirrors... Yours is a quest for light...  My go to for that which i seek lies beyond the dark..  The lives that where spawned in the absence of light...   The child remembers the echoing foot steps ,  ever closer,    hot breath of rotting flesh on the back of my neck... Icy claws pushing through my organs,..   talons crushing my heart....    Rip...  i can still see my beating pump explode as its devoured by the beasts that rule this underworld...  lost children unwanted souls...   ..Now i am the beast and i hunger for this void In my newly forged armour, ... I will rewrite the code here....  Now i am the tyranny and monsters tremble at my feet.   Im now invisible in this steel and concrete meat works.   This burnt and ravaged land scape in my wake,   is as close to total control i may ever be....   You and I,  two faces of the one icarus..    We  burnt our wings and scorched our souls for the price of a ticket to ride the solar winds...  When we find the answer,   the full sun and the total eclipse will live with a common understanding..   If the world can only follow and finally be at peace......    Now we need to have a sit down chat.   (1)   i really worry about you my friend.   your words to me are so kind.   please be as kind to yourself.    (2)   Yes i get a tad lonely from time to time,  but it would astound you to know jus how un alone i am.   My head is an endless play ground .  It never truly sleeps.    No matter how dark i may sound at times ,  you have to trust me..       I am the master at my wheel.       My course is true ,  my stewardship steel........ I love my illusions however unreal,   ....... please never say sorry for the ways that you feel....... The cards you were dealt are the cards that you deal.....   So dry those eyes,... and i hope all that last bit rhymed.    Stay the course my faithful friend..     Tonys moon base one