Living with Ourselves

[Jacques]

Hi @Sophia1 hugs my dear friend.

you are such a strong and amazing person, im so honoured to know you, you can get through this rough patch. im always here to listen when you need or want to chat. 

[Sophia1]

Will respond to you all when return.

I am in the naughty corner wearing my naughty hat

I am meant to be packing

must go

recognise that doing 20 things at once and getting nothing done

take care

[outlander]

@Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Hello dear @outlander 

As you are aware I am not on the forums that often.

When I visit I try to catch up with everyone who has either supported a post of mine or tagged me.

This takes up the majority of my time.

I also find that I am drawn to posts from new people and often reply to them.

This of course means that those whom I have corresponded with more frequently over time are missed.

This concerns me.

It has been far too long since we have chatted.

I know that you have received some diagnoses and are also working.

I am not sure what is happening with your caring role and your home life.

You only need talk about what you feel comfortable with.

You only need hit support if that is your desire.

You might only want to pass on by as life is enough to deal with.

Whatever action you choose or do not choose is fine by me.

I will never judge you.

You are a long term friend and always will be even if we do not correspond.

love

your friend

Sophia

🧡

[Sophia1]

Hello @Appleblossom 

Following on from not being a sheep conversation in "good morning" thread

I don't believe that I have ever been a sheep.

I have been a very quiet observer and listener though which is seen as being a sheep by many.

Playing the game within my  rules just staying on the outer.

I wonder if you might have been the same.

I have always been a lion.

The lion from astrology as in a Leo.

The lioness who proudly protects her cubs.

The lion or lioness who silently roars within.

The lion who stands up for injustice to others.

Now the lion has found a huge rock upon which she frequently finds herself standing asserting her voice as an advocate for the injustice of the mental health system; the health system;

just keep on climbing up the ladder system..

I am consequently licking my paws as I am worn out.

Even lions have to recuperate and regain their strength.

We can learn so much from animals and children I always say.

Nice to see you about.

I reader a sense of more lightness about you these days.

Am trying to catch up with everyone.

Hard work but vital

Speak when we can my friend

🧡

[Appleblossom]

@Sophia1 

Love hearing from you.  It is great encouragement.

You posted "I have been a very quiet observer and listener though which is seen as being a sheep by many."

Maybe I was not really a sheep, definitely never a mindless sheep, but group and herd socialisation styles in the orphanages left a huge impact on me, and I somehow always tried to "do the right thing" even as a parent to MODEL doing the right thing socially, rather than celebrating my uniqueness.  The pressures from back then went deep into my soul.  

When I was back with my mother, and living in social housing, I was teased as a dag, and 2 of those people, a brother and sister, are still around a little in my life.  When I laughed self consciously, and did not take offence, they informed me of the disgusting nature of real sheep's dags.

This is me being a little autistic I guess, and then very analytical about it all.  I rarely stood up for myself, verbally, there was no point, my best bet was rolling with the punches, and many of them were not figurative.  Mostly I was moved on, and then later as an adult, I learned to avoid and move on, rather than challenge.

My time volunteering at the zoo, was great for me to reflect on all the things about animals I did not know, but were told to me over the years.

I was so naive and and yet so exposed to all manner of things.

I have valued COURAGE.

Love this discussion about being a lionness.

Then reflected ... the pic I posted was a boy lion ... but I relate cos I often have wild curly hair.

Tea and a chat with a ladyYet this is a boy lion

The lion, the shepherd, the sheep and the lamb and all the Christian imagery have been with me all along, so my scientific brain had to get to the bottom of all things.

[Sophia1]

Dear @Jacques 

It has also been some time since we have chatted.

I have read some of your posts on the friday feast and love the banter you have with several of the others on there.

Have you finished doing up your bike?

How about the renovations to the house? You had taken on quite a bit of work there also.

So much energy..Good to see..

Your aunt and your mum have been unwell.

I cannot remember the exact causes.

I do hope that they are both recovering now and you have some relief in your caring role there.

I also hope that you are still managing to spend time with your girlfriend during all of the covid periods and now.

I have had to set more personal boundaries;;;moving the posts several times which is so paramount in exercising self care.

I learnt the hard way and am putting this into practice.

It does not help in fact exacerbates the self isolating tendency which has increased.

I have cancelled several things and barely leave the house.,

The weather has not helped there either.

So rehabilitation has been affected which of course adds to the mind games.

Am telling myself as I do others that I must try not to pay attention to the thoughts and focus on the feelings. This of course needs ongoing practice every time.

You are very aware of all of this.

 I am proud to hear that you are getting outside as that makes such a huge difference to the brain.

ps my gardenia is still alive.  incredible.

must be the good advice that I received from an expert gardener.  😁

Take care my dear friend

Sophia

🧡

[tyme]

@Sophia1 ,

It's such a great reminder to set boundaries as part of self-care.

You are not alone here 🙂 We appreciate your posts very much,

tyme

[Sophia1]

Wow @Appleblossom 

Loving that we are actually chatting.

Rare for us both to be on the forums at the same time.

You are similar to me in this way.

Taking time out or busy elsewhere.

There are many parallels in what you write that I can also say about myself.

Firstly one that blew me away. I too have curly hair often laughed at and referred to as a lion's mane.

I was constantly teased and subdued by my twin. My only sibling. I always yearned for a brother. I got on better with boys and even males as I grew up. I am more a one to one person, never being interested in girl groups.

Twin deliberately pushed me away from time with cousins or other children encountered during play. Time at school. Time with mum.

My  standing up was not for myself but for others who were teased or bullied something inside (my lions' roar) would emerge and I would protest with a strong voice that came from within.

It was more shock from my audience that I had a voice I think, as I too was a very quiet, softly spoken tiny framed child.

I still am softly spoken and have no chance of being heard when wearing a mask!

Moving from country to country did not help as a friend found was then left behind.

My father always moved ahead of us so of course that meant moving with my twin who pushed herself between my mum and myself. I apparently was a wanderer and would merrily chat away to anyone even with a quiet voice. I think that strangers were the only people who listened to me. Of course I was always in trouble for this and labelled difficult, different.

I believe that I too am on the lower end of the autistic scale. I was an extremely picky eater until I married in my early 20's. I also am very sensitive to loud noises; people who have loud voices.

My mind is always thinking. Always questioning.

I hated food; chewing; milk and time spent sitting at the table in silence having to eat and or drink the terrible stuff. I used to fidget and move the salt and pepper shakers. Everything would eventually be moved away from me. Then I would have the leg shaking. St Vitas dance?

I ate dry cereal; banana sandwiches every single day for lunch except when there were cooked school dinners which were blech. I used to scrape the food around the plates or swap for an empty plate when the head teacher was not looking. In trouble a few times there.

I would also eat mashed potato and peas, gravy..drink tomato soup occasionally when at home. I loathed meat and hated chewing. Mum became desperate for choice.

I married and Italian as loved the culture and learnt to love food. Authentic Italian food is scrumptious and has influenced how I cook myself.

So there was not much of me.

Still is not really.

Still have my weight pointed out mainly by those overweight which people do not realise is just as offensive and even dangerous for some at risk.

Despite all of the above this does not come close to what you experienced Appleblossom.

Orphanages are a whole existence of their own and nobody can come close to feeling how you do about your life then.

Teasing is horrible at any time let alone from family; this much I know. My sister taunted me as an adult for my slender frame in comparison to hers as I was taller and all arms and legs whereas she was not.

Not helpful for a sensitive child who felt unworthy; not valued and believing that there was something seriously wrong with me. I was told off for discussing or displaying emotion; asking too many questions; literally being present.

My dad did spend time with me occasionally and we had some very interesting conversations as he was very intelligent and loved talking about the world; geography; history; music, past eras. I idolised and loved him dearly.

I believe that your inner strength was always there with you dear Appleblossom just buried under a heavy pile of emotion.

This does not make you a sheep.

Attempting to fit in with the general rule of things takes strength as it is putting yourself last.

I wore a mask for so many many years.

I thought that I should have been a nun and visited a church to discuss this.

I thought that I had too much love and was unwell and yes weird because of this.

I believe that you worked very hard at survival and realised that you were better off slipping into the background; not to be noticed.

This was my style also.

My older son is now deemed as being on the autism scale. It has only taken 40 years for this to be noted. I have lost count how many specialists I took him to since the age of two.

There are many stories that have been handed down through different cultures over the years that include lions, sheep, lambs, wolves. All representing a different slant to the true examples of courage, bravery and strength.

Stories of faith also include animals as they have been around as long as humans if not before.

So we have parallels.

A term I prefer to similarities now.

You might want to read this over a week laugh so as not to get eye strain; a headache or neck ache which I have for sitting too long.

Speak again

💚

ps Knowing me I shall probably come back and delete this at some stage for fear of being identified.

I realise that some people do not like this action.

For me it helps me to feel safe.

I have and still do live in a world where I do not feel safe as my life; my self have been threatened to often.

[Sophia1]

oh thank you @tyme 

My mind worries that I might write something that might offend someone and of course that I always write far too much.

It is who I am though.

I appreciate your words very much.

Sophia

💜