Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

Thank you for your kind words @Zoe7 

I promise to keep this brief.

I appreciate your thinking of me and in all honesty sometimes when struggles occur on threads it is best to not add to the dynamics.

I do not usually like to respond with oh I know how you feel

However, I went through the exact same issue only a few weeks after my mum passed away and was dealing with my now non-twin which I will not delve any further into.

The pain is excruciating and does keep a person awake no matter how regularly the every day painkiller from the supermarket is taken

I had two sessions of root canal two weeks apart.

The anaesthetic plays havoc with our moods as well.

The dentist did my head in more than the dental work.

Another time should you need a laugh.

I can laugh now not in the moment.

I feel for your experience.

Yes there are many kinds of friendships and at many different levels.

The word friend encompasses so much and is misunderstood at times.

Time makes no difference to me when someone is kind and respectful so thank you again Zoe.

Thank you for the love that you sent and offer to call out if in need.

You know me though.

We are similar and you have your strong supports where you need them.

That is what you need.

Sophia1

[Sophia1]

In your last post where you addressed me @tonys 

You mentioned that you will respond to me tonight I believe.

I will not hold you to when as I want you to feel more settled.

However, if you wish to write to me tonight I would love to hear from you.

I enjoy receiving your letters in the post.

Having said that a quick hello or whatever you feel that you can manage to say to me, will help reassure me.

Your safety is important to me.

I am here for you when you are ready.

I respect you.

I respect your personal space.

I will respect any boundaries that you put in place.

Your friend always no matter what your choice is

Sophia1

[Sophia1]

@maddison 

I have read the Community guidelines and also the section on addressing conflict on the forums.

I am already aware of how to handle the situation so that it does not escalate any further.

I have done the right thing and read the above in relation to Sane Forums.

I want to take into account the safety of everyone.

Those involved as well as anyone else who has been following along without leaving a trail.

People do not always leave a trail and we must be mindful of this.

I do realise that this can easily be forgotten.

We must also think of future readers and new members searching through  threads.

It is vital  that everyone respects every individual on the forums no matter whether they are a new member, long term member, close friend, or have a volunteer role as in Community Guide.

None of us know at any given time what is going on in another's life or their full story.

This form of communication is not equipped for crises.

If we post something upsetting and receive a response from the receiver we are bound to follow their wishes whether we like the outcome or not.

It is not our place to continue to try and give reasons why we have behaved in such a manner. The need to do that can be addressed with the Sane staff.

You have also hurt me in the past and I have tried to set boundaries by not responding to you.

I now must let you know that I also feel that you are triggering me everytime you continue to write to me and hit the support button.

I feel that you are supporting yourself not me.

I have set the boundaries and you continue not to see them.

I ask you to please seek the help and guidance of Sane Moderators which I am sure that there are some protocols set in place for Community Guides to do.

This is the best action to take for anyone when a situation gets out of control.

Sophia1

[Zoe7]

I do have my supports elsewhere @Sophia1 but am also here for you. We have had such a wonderful connection over many years - definitely over our love of our fur babies and the wonderful areas we are creating ...that has meant the world to me Hon - you get it and I am buoyed by what you are doing as well as being able to share what I am doing with you.

The offer to reach out if needed will always be there - I know you like to stick to places you feel safe and at times even those places can be difficult - so also do what you need to do and I will continue to keep you updated as I progress with Cat's corner.

I do remember the difficulties you had after your Mum passed away - it was such a horrible time for you with the ongoing issues from your now non-twin. I cannot even imagine how difficult that was for you but do remember how much you were hurt. My heart goes out to you still in that regard - family and grief can be so difficult and you did not need the added nastiness that also came along.

Please be kind to yourself my friend - take time out if you need, respond to people when and if you can and above all put yourself first. Much love to you Sophia1 💖

[tonys]

hello @Sophia1 .     Thanks for your letter and kind thoughts mate.     Sorry about late response.   Had a system set up where mail could come and go through a hub on the coast that had more reliable reception,  The big storm put it out of action.

How are you managing today.    Looks like you are all about the place.   I did find a kite last night that gave me some insight into your own storms, ....  now i cant find it.

Any way mate,   Im here if needed.    How's your garden,  with all you try to do,  it may be a bridge too far.   If a garden is too neat it,   i find it a bit boring.    Thats my excuse when i need it.

Lot of work after the big storm.  Lucky for me it came in horizontal, so the out side rows took most of  the damage.   I grow old variety tommys and they are big targets for hail.

Trees and branches,   I'll do that tomorrow...    This is the year of changes... Ill either sell or let some one else lease the place,   or run it...  Just good fortune,  or   stupidity,... I lasted this long..

 Flat,.....  very tired....  but luckily the head never changes..    I think ive said this before.

The key board and wires of the internet..... well ...     You put chunks of meat in the top,   but mince doesnt always come out the bottom.    I'm actually o k,  but it shows all over the place that you care.     Tetanus and covid shots..   Im  up to date now...    dont forget to do yours..

Boots are finally of,    eat ,   rumble with my big rabbit,   and BED.....!    Think ill sleep for a month.

Im just betting you have got a full plate tomorrow too.     Rome wasnt... .... forget it ,...just take good care and give my regards to all..        

and dont read to much into my letters.     Writing is something im still learning.   The odd kite does me the world of good so thanks one last time..

tony moon base one.

[Zoe7]

@Sophia1 I wanted to share this with you as I know you will understand ...I have been cleaning out my spare room and some things I had temporarily stored in Cat's room. This evening I was wondering where Clover was. I could not find her in her usual places and realised the door to Cat's room was still open. There, in the bottom corner of the room, on a bed Cat rarely used, was my little squishy face. My first thought was 'get her out of Cat's room' but I looked at her little face as she was all snuggled up on the bed and I smiled. It was one of those smiles that I used to smile when I spent time in Cat's room with her. It was the only room in the house that Toby could not get into - it was Cat's and Cat's alone. So to smile again in that room was pretty big. I don't know if I am ready to have Clover be in there all the time but maybe it is a little step forward in still missing Cat so much.

[Sophia1]

Dear @tonys 

You are starting to sound like me laugh.

Sorry about late response or not replying sooner (or similar)..lovely

I will respond the same as you ............no need to apologise.................laugh (hopefully)

It is a part of us though isn't it....

We are apologising....more so letting the other know that we are not dismissing them as a person...

As for computer issues .....over my head...worked with computer so called issues ..all of my life with work..definitely no need to apologise there...

As for my garden....I can reassure you that it is not neat...not me..

has to ramble...grow as nature intends..

my work is in controlling it...taking cuttings....pruning...deheading flowers (i think that is how they describe it...no matter)...weeding the nightmare of every gardener...

wondering at the reseeding..observing the multiplying...

digging over the soil .....adding liquid fertiliser when I remember..

I have created from scratch my now garden over the last two years.... several areas of different styles.

Some plants from pots from years back...some cuttings generously given..some bought..

I offer cuttings to others also...the genuine ones...along with family and friends...

I grow an array of native....cottage garden...succulents...proteas..etc.

This is part of  my artistic palette attempt...

I do get many compliments from passersby and still respond with oh yes but hmm needs weeding or needs more.....sigh...self belief I know

This is my love along with a few others...

Nature is my healer though...

My environment affects me and I have worked with it...

No bridges built .....not my style of garden either...

Now my husband has his section....I refer to as his golf course...yes I know

It impedes on my garden beds and he is starting to allude to the fact that some of my plants are growing too close to his ...what I refer to as "golf course"..

I suggested the metal/whatever material edging...guess what does not work with golf course grass which is so invasive..

Hmmm stand off at the Old Corral ....... humour here

Might have a computer issue here ...you are not alone...this is me though not the system.

so if I disappear that is the reason..I will try to continue..

You, my dear friend have been battling with life in general; healing ribs which can also affect the mind (no I have not forgotten); nature with it's many moods and in your area storm damage..

no easy task by any means..

consider storm damage to an average garden!!!

You then have the fallout from said storm to plants; trees etc etc..

your animals would also have been affected...

Add on yes back to ribs!!

You also have; thankfully a medical diagnosis which is now being addressed thrown into the equation..

That my friend is a huge impact..

Tired? Of course you are...More like worn out..

Worrying about others?... Yes you have been...wearing you out? ..yes

Time for you @tonys 

Whatever you decide moving ahead with your farm I hope that you have strong financial and medical advice...

I sense that this is already in place.

My vibes are that you are a very intelligent person who chooses to downsize or even mask that side of you.

You also have emotions and perhaps some sensitivity ( I am carefully alluding to this as some people do not like this term)

A beautiful mix in my mind.

From what I have read in your last couple of messages you are very strong and very much in touch with reality (even though you continue to excuse yourself with autism which I am not denying in any way that you have) People with an autistic condition can also be very in touch with reality at the same time not be able to verbally express it.

I think that you have that quality. You are in touch with you.

It is the world

who is not completely

but is getting there;

in touch with you.

Back to me..

Yes I had another full plate today that I needed to focus on..

Communication is happening in regards to different areas that have emerged alas..

I am making touch...I am being listened to..

I assure you that I am assertive when need to be.. within the realms of where I have a voice

I have made headway in some areas..

In other areas life is continuing as it needs to in areas out of my control...as life does...

Today I am accepting this...

How can you help me?

You already are...you are reading my book..if you have reached this far...

I believe that you have from what I feel I have gleamed from Tonys I have interracted with.

As for reading too much into your kites....

Hmm I read in between the lines and possibly my vision and perception moreso at this time is out of sync...

I sense from between the lines you need to be heard like myself.

This..for myself..

I have finally come to the realisation of ..

is not a failing or a weakness or anything that any title can attach itself to.

This is a real feeling..

I know..

I am here when I can be to really listen...

Others might follow or have preceded me and state that they are listening...

If they have not experienced the "not being listened to" and some will allude to that also.. not quite the same effect..

I ask you to check in on yourself and trust your inner intuition or whatever you like to call it and make that decision yourself..

We can only do that for ourselves and even when our trust is crushed we can rise again as we are still we..

and be even stronger..more resolved and committed to our innate beings...

I hope that this is not too deep for you Tonys..

my letters are always written with the best intentions..

hoping that this finds you in a safe place when it reaches you

Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Hello @Zoe7 

thank you for sharing that special moment that you had with Clover in Cat's room as you described.

That is your special moment and whilst I cannot share the exact experience I can understand totally as I have many special moments throughout the last 20 years of my life of significant sensations that cannot be explained or understood to another.

I personally feel that it is wonderful for you to have been open to the "pretty big" seconds in time and felt them.

I feel honoured that you are sharing such with me.

Words really cannot do justice to the feeling can they...

So very special for you.

When you are ready or whether you ever are you will know as you have recognised this special moment.

Again I am honoured that you have shared this with me and I realise that you are offering this as a sign of your supporting me and thank you.

Trust once crushed yet again is such a hard thing to deal with isn't it?

[Sophia1]

ps

@tonys 

should you ever again wish to

travel into the world of imagination

I am here waiting and willing

my world is imagination...

[tonys]

hello @Sophia1   . Hope this letter finds you well.    Mate,      you do so much ,  I really dont know how you managed to get a kite of to me.   Much appreciate .. I have a mental picture of a very thin person running around with a coffee machine under your arm, drip feeding you 24 / 7.

Its just not possible to keep a tight reign on it all.    Lifes what happens while you are busy making plans.    One day,   I would love to know what you did for a crust.   But sharing is a personal choice,    So   it sounds like you've achieved much if people give compliments re  your garden.    Thank goodness no one can see mine.  My farm house is invisible.   Im a shade freak, so its a tropical jungle effect ive opted for.     Keeps the place nice and cool,    and private.   Weed control...      goats,    flame weeder...   shade the weeds out,   mulch,   and when all that fails,    glyphosate glove.

Thanks for asking about the animals.   they do get very frightened,  But i have thick tree cover

and a barn.   I think they must toss a coin.  And then theres always some that have to .

come inside.

Yes i can see that you are assertive,   determined.   I dont think you just accept the answers you are handed.    And then theres the cycle, hey, ...   the Bast.... erds   just wear you down and , it back to the submarine for a spell.

Have a lung infection so Im a bit flat in the imagination department...    just worn out,   but its nothing we dont all go through  time to time.  I think the A2 thing stops me getting depressed.  I just go a bit .... bland.    Had  T B   when i was young ,  

Clouds and silver linings.

Should say that I dont have trust issues  with anyone here.   I just have to be mindful that my  social skillset struggles with recognizing various emotions and signals,  So I bale if i think  im doing damage,   and at times i leave it to late to run.

Every one is ......   Polite..    no one tells you your zippers undone,  so how do I learn.

And of course its not there job either.    They have there own lives. 

I will know the help thats coming is working ,   when people other than those i pay,  will want to be in my company.    and that will happen,

And that is why I value your friend ship.   You have a wide circle and you make time for me.

Powerful stuff you are made of.

So   my friend ,  I hope tomorrow is a full and rewarding day for you.  preceded by nourishing sleep...       Till next we meet.               tonys mb1