Living with Ourselves

[maddison]

@wordman hello wordman. Thankyou for thinking of me & showing me kindness.

[tonys]

@Sophia1   hey there Sophia,     Sorry i didnt fully cover all that was in your letter.     Yes please ,  send me that link.  Spent some time in the far north and Canada,  and a little the northern states but it pays to go back as we age to see it through different eyes.

Apart from thanking the food that surrenders its life for mine,   i really know little of the American Indian culture.     The trail of tears,     fearful of what I'll learn.     We all share a responsibility to learn it and own it,   ......     i think.        So good at taking , ...  aren't we.. 

Brain injury is very underestimated by the mainstream,    especially if its acquired in the midst of a normal life.  The rules get changed on you midstream,   One tiny flaw in an Asher cut  diamond,   No one tells you why your suddenly put back on the shelf.     You just see that your pattern of refracted light is somewhat at odds with the rest of gems.

Born simple,....    i think not knowing any better makes me one of the lucky ones. 

Forget the camper ,   i think you may be a candidate for my favourite mode of escape. 

The hot air balloon ..        Its the total silence...  you see.      A womb in the clouds,   It should just last  forever and ever.           Pray we stay children.

Memory malfunction,    Yes that can be tough for you, especially with the thousand word puzzles in boxes around you.     But maybe it can be a blessing too.

If it suddenly all came flooding back to me ,    Lets not go there.

Sophia ,   thanks again for your  long air ship to.     I love an eclipse ,  you know that about me.   and all your storms need room to unleash so i can marvel at them.

 So fasten all water tight hatches,.....make depth 300 mtrs  ,... lets pressure test that hull mate.

When you are ready to come up......     one ping lets me know your.      o  k....Silent running tonys    moon base one

[Sophia1]

Hello @Appleblossom 

I am slipping way behind in my replies

I still am not in a good mindset to respond to your post where you opened up about such huge struggles earlier on in your life.

I want to reply respectfully and with a clear mind.

Or I should say a mind that is as clear as it can be.

I promise that I will get back to you.

Today I am not travelling well..

Sophia 1

[Sophia1]

I am over here. @FloatingFeather 

This has been my safe place for several years now.

Thank you for your caring offer to follow me over here.

I am safe so please do not worry about me.

I am very emotional though.

I am currently hiding in the office as there is a visitor here with my husband.

When I struggle I cannot explain myself properly. I find myself having to justify myself again and again.

It is as though I speak a different language to the rest of the world.

My husband does not help even though I ask in advance.

He just does not get it.

He does not get mental health issues at all.

He is not unkind or uncaring just does not think.

So the never ending circle of being misunderstood goes around and around and around.

I think now later in life this is the slightest end of the autism spectrum.

There are so many other unanswered questions around sensitivity to people with loud voices or who shout. Tones of voices affect me.

I think differently.

I was in the gifted students class at school in England.

I express myself differently.

I definitely do not fit in with people.

This no longer bothers me as I have worked through so many of my issues.

The people I don't fit in with are people whom I would not choose as my friends.

They are more self focussed.

Some of this is also around life experiences and I use the help of 1800 respect. Hopefully that makes sense and I do not have to go into detail.

Grief is huge this year and yes Christmas cheer stirs everything up.

I feel guilty as I do not want to spoil Christmas for everyone else.

So I hide.

Self isolating.

Another book!!!

Sorry @FloatingFeather 

[Appleblossom]

@Sophia1 

Blowing kisses ... on the wind ... only good healthy bugs and fairies ... sometimes we need the retreat in all manner of ways; hiding, fantasy whatever is needed.  Sending you healing thoughts to calm you.

I am retreating from a few things and did not go to a party last night.  A bit frenetic in the head and almost had an accident.  Just best to do the self care things sometimes and breathe.

Spent hours at the doctor and a few chats there but not up to doing the festive season, apart from 2 roses I gave my doctor. I was in pain and could not sit so did quiet walking laps around the waiting rooms. The doctor is elderly and dresses very graciously, in a soothing and old fashioned rather than edgy new fangled style.  The clinic was bursting and I knew she did not have any lunch but she appreciated the roses and put them in a cup.  I made it a blood pressure and skin spot check in, and she is happy to see me again in January.

Not sure what you want to say about what I shared. Do not worry, but know that I care, that you cared enough to mention it.  

[Emelia8]

@Sophia1 @Appleblossom 

💕😔🙏👂👀 💞

[FloatingFeather]

Oh @Sophia1 - I really feel for you and some of what you talk about resonates with me. I also have a husband that whilst kind and caring just doesn't get mental health issues either. Whenever I have struggled in the past he just says something like `what can you do' or `don't worry so much', which doesn't help at all.

I am glad to read you are safe and appreciate you letting me know this. 

I have also been know to hide when people come over and I am feeling emotional and/or overwhelmed. I'm pretty good at putting on a brave front most of the time but sometimes it's just too hard.

You seem like a really kind and sensitive person. Have you heard of a highly sensitive person (HSP) (means you are very sensitive to the needs of others). I feel like I am this way - HSP's are prone to sensitivity around loud noises, light etc. I also can't handle loud noises or shouting. Bright artificial light also bothers me a lot so I typically don't have to many lights on in the evening.

I understand what you are talking about re working at 1800 respect - that would have been an incredibly challenging job and a lot to sit with. I feel for you.

I think as I have gotten older I realise that I'm not fussed if I fit in with others too much or not. I am okay with who I am and the people that are in my life are there because I really value them and who they are.

Grief is a hard thing to deal with, I really understand and empathise with you - particularly on top of Christmas when so many people seem / have an expectation that things should be good / we should be happy (even though I know it is a struggle for many).

Absolutely nothing to be sorry for @Sophia1 - I really appreciate you sharing with me and trusting me. 

Big hugs,

FloatingFeather

[tonys]

@Sophia1 @FloatingFeather .      Sorry for Interception.      Mate ,   you haven't spoiled Christmas for anyone ..    That was a really nice share. ...   It slides right in with so many other letters ive seen in the last few weeks, 

  All our houses are built with hopes ,  dreams,  and  disappointments,.....   on shifting sands.   We fall,   we fix,   wipe the tears,   front the fears,     We are are family...     thats what we do....

tonys      moonbase one.                   Come on ..     big smile....  

[amber22]

Hey there @tonys 

Absolutely loving your poetry, you are so talented. 

I hope you're having a good day today,

Amber22 

[maddison]

Hi @Sophia1 I wanted to pop by quickly & send you lots of calming thoughts.

My head is a little bit frazzled right now too!❤️

I understood what you meant about 1800RESPECT. 

I had to call them a couple of weeks ago. The ladies there do such an awe inspiring job -well that was my experience. It is a traumatic phone call to make. 

It's ok to hide away from the world. I think we get sensory overload (brain overload) very easily. For people who don't experience this (if only!!) I guess they simply don't get it. Maybe it's like trying to explain green to a person who is colourblind?

I have been spending the afternoon colouring in my adult colouring book. I made a gold starfish! I find it really helps to relax my thoughts - or let my thoughts flow out. I think this is what gardening does for you?

No rush. It's only a moment xx