Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

The whole funeral has now changed and under her control

she has railroaded all boundaries that I have tried to put in place

Accused me of arguing when I had tried to defend myself and not let her control and devour me.

I am no longer reading the eulogy; providing photographs of my choice; music to accompany the slideshow or whatever it is called. input into music for the service. discussion with a minister of her choice.

I will not go to the refreshments set out after.

I will still view my mum before the service and go straight into the chapel.

I am not sure that I feel safe to sit in the front row as I will sense her seething close by.

Wherever I am I will hold my head high though as she cannot take away the fact that I am her daughter. The twin sister she did not want.

I will go outside and wait to farewell the hearse.

She cannot bear to do that

[tyme]

I'm sorry this has happened to you @Sophia1 . 

I just wanted to point out that you DO belong here. You have shown so much courage in reaching out and posting on the forums. I always love reading your posts. They are so thoughtful and powerful.

You've embraced your own challenges to support others in the past, and this has been beneficial for so many. I myself find your posts so heart-warming.

Hugs, tyme

[Sophia1]

Those are beautiful words that you have left for me

Thank you

It is incredible that I can go from feeling so warm hearted by a touching phone call from a friend that lasted for ages where we shared spiritual moments and laughter shared over the years.

Then something as simple as a missing post can bring me down to such a low state of mind in a matter of seconds.

Grief is one of the hardest emotions to feel and comprehend.

It comes and goes as it pleases.

I know that it is important to allow time and space.

It is just so incredibly hard to continue on with everyday life though.

Why am I grieving the loss of a twin as well who has treated me inhumanely on far too many occasions without any warning or reason.

How can a person be so cruel.

It is beyond my comprehension.

If I don't like someone; I keep my distance and limit my time if have to be in their company without choice on occasion.

I must be so extremely sensitive and deep that I exist in my own space.

I just cannot fathom such cruelty.

[tyme]

Hugs @Sophia1 ,

Do you think these narcissistic tendencies are surfacing more as part of your twin's own way of grieving? I'm not saying your twin's actions are acceptable, but grief can cause people to do all sorts of things.

Do you have a support person to help you through your grief?

You are an amazing person - remember that 🙂

tyme 

[Sophia1]

@tyme 

I was not aware that she had narcissistic traits until my therapist warned me.

I always thought that it was me who irritated her.

I sadly was in a relationship for 5 years with someone whom my psychologist labelled as a narcissist after meeting him.

She knew of his what was later labelled as abusive treatment.

I was told to leave him and never be near him on my own as I was at risk of him taking my life.

I was numb then and literally dumbstruck.

I have only recently been able to discuss this in therapy as the grief and trauma had not been acknowledged by me at all.

I think that this is why I could not see that twin had traits of this insidious disorder.

I wanted to believe that she loved me truly as she feigned.

I have been in shell shock within a safe space of dissociation for so long.

I have been trying to repair a relationship with a twin who never wanted me.

Nothing that I could have done or said would have made any difference.

She has treated me in this manner since we were very young.

This I now have come to terms with.

I cannot grieve what I did not have.

So I am releasing her from my life. I let her go.

I am deflating that superior ego of hers and blocking any energy.

I just need to get through this funeral.

I will emotional or not.

This does not make it any easier or dissipate any of the nothingness and numbness.

I wonder if there are any threads about narcissism on either side as I cannot even find a search box at the moment.

[tyme]

Hi @Sophia1 ,

I'm not sure if the following will be helpful to you:

NPD fact sheet:

https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/facts-and-guides/narcissistic-personality-disorder?hi...

Blog about Narcissism:

https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/the-sane-blog/mental-illness/is-narcissism-common-the...

Cheers, tyme

[outlander]

@Sophia1

[outlander]

just want you to know im thinking of you @Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Thank you for your presence dear @ outlander It means so much to be noticed and feel included. So much is happening Life ! Then loss My mum’s funeral today I have to get ready I will get through today Take care Sophia

[outlander]

always here for you @Sophia1