Hello @Appleblossom
Spot on with your reply.
You took the words right out of my mouth...song writing is a great asset in spreading what we need to hear.
I am so pleased that you are feeling valued by others and enjoying their company on social outings.
I believe that you have worked very hard to be where you are and that you are where you need to be right now if that makes sense.
They would be getting as much pleasure from you in return, if not more.
Continue to shine.
Yes I will try to be more open. I struggle with this as I feel as though I am dwelling in self-pity and this stems from my birth family attitude. This still is a mystery to me as I spent my whole time asking how they were and treading on eggshells. Yes I dissociated (I believed day dreamed) when my diagnosis finally given I was married and had first child.
My state of mind not to be brought up again.
I did not bring it up at all I ploughed on wearing a mask.
I just believe that I was not expected. My mother did not know she was having twins and I was born quite a longer time after the normal time frame. The doctor realising that another baby was arriving was the first time that my mother knew about "me"
I believe that she did not accept me as her baby which does happen with some mothers.
Her constant attention with my sister always puzzled me.
It makes perfect sense that I was not expected and not wanted.
My sister pushed herself in between my mother and I constantly conniving with her up until she married and left home.
Then my mother noticed me and spent short periods of time. It always felt so artificial.
A duty perhaps.
This as sad as it is helps me understand more about myself and that it is not me who is different or is a problem.
Her generation and own family have a huge impact also.
I can forgive her even though I still feel moments of what I am now recognising not as just long term grief, but anger.
Self exploration is very hard work and takes a long time.
I find it very interesting as I find humans interesting.
There is no such thing as a normal human being.
There are "sheep" and individuals.
Hopefully not too deep
I am very exhausted and worn out.
I am still managing to be assertive as well as careful. I know only too well that when a loved one is bristly or stubborn that usually comes from fear inducing anxiety. (ongoing son and now unwell husband).
Older son has been slipping backwards for many months as is the pattern with him.
He needs expert help.
There in lies the dilemma.
One has to come to terms with this fact oneself otherwise any form of help is a band-aid approach.
I am drawn to your quirkiness as you know I have my own.
I also love the fact that you too strive to survive in a world where being oneself is frowned upon as it shows up the cracks in others' facades.
No matter.
I shall not change me for anyone. I have hidden me but never changed me.
For now taking some long slow breaths; working at getting outside of the house.
Time to answer a couple of other threads then off of here.
Gently bently dear friend
love Sophia
