Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

Hello Sane

It is impossible for me to tag every single person with whom I have connected.

There are so many of you who have a voice with something of value to say.

There are so many of you who say little yet support with all your heart.

I am needing to give to me today.

I have to practise giving more to myself.

This has involved hiding from the world and allowing myself to be free from a mask.

What am I talking about?

Today I  have to go out to an extended family gathering which is a huge huge effort for me as since my life challenges have increased I have found myself self isolating.

This I recognise to be another form of dissociating which I am all too  familiar with; in hindsight or from therapy; yet not at the time.

For me I degeneralise from society within my home.

Not healthy

I will get there today.

I will be friendly and chat asking others how they are. They have no interest in me.

These are not people I would choose to have in my life.

For years I have suffered the self centred and felt as though they have robbed something from me. No more.

They are in my life.

The day shall pass.

There will be very young children there and these will be the people with whom I connect.

The intelligent, curious, unscathed, innocent minds.

This I look forward to.

This is helping me.

This I hope is going to be a small step forward in accepting myself to be safe without any mask

(ironic about the current mask worldwide- this of course is not the mask that I am referring to)

I have a song that I am dedicating to my twin whom I still love with all my heart.

Her controlling; narcissistic ways have caused much harm.

I do not like her attitude or her behaviour.

I do not like her selfishness.

I do not like her cruelty.

I am allowed to still love her as that is my love not hers.

What she does with it is up to her.

Our bond will always be there.

She is a part of who I am and I am learning to live with her in me; without her in my life when I feel that I need her.

She will reappear as she does when she needs me and then abruptly leave as is her way.

That is her pain.

No longer mine.

I did not know where else to write this. I originally wrote this on the worry room.

I have moved it back here.

My safe space.

It has been troublesome for a lifetime up to now.

This is where I am right now.

I know that I can safely feel that I will have my friends holding my hand as I put myself in yet another judgemental place.

"Extended Family" who are not chosen by me.

I will have them in my life in my way to honour my husband.

I am trusting in myself that I am where I need to be as I venture in a new direction.

Hopefully outside of my home and back into the world,

Gently gently bently my beautiful friend on here writes beautifully

I dedicate this song to today

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PzQHZLiUPs

[Sophia1]

I wrote a reply to my previous post in journal response as was my previous post.

I am not sure if this is welcome and might be deemed as my being unwell.

This saddens me as I see this platform as being a perfect place to write in a journal style.

Not everybody fits into group groups.

I came back and edited my reply yet again.

Sigh

[Sophia1]

nothing

[Emelia8]

I'm listening @Sophia1 and hearing you.  ♥😔

[tonys]

@Sophia1 hi Sophia    tonys here.    read your lovely letter a few days ago and due to a few tech issues i havnt been able to send one back,   so i just hope this one gets through the misty mountains to your door,  should also add that i may not have seen you last posts either..  thankyou for your kind words about my writing,  i feel you are being overly generous but hey,  ill take it ..  we are two people with tin cans connected by an old ball of thread..  every word that makes it through matters and and the feebleness of the thread accentuates my appreciation of the frail nature of all that connects mankind...    as ghosts come and go in the night...   so do the friends we thought we once had...   to many cheap words expended in the battle to co exist,...  to find meaning in the face of the stranger..   fools gold or tangible truth......  you are right...   there is the word ... and then there is a place beyond the words.    its where a warm wind whispers in to you,... you are not alone ...    autism is just another word for normal..      they live in our world.. we dont live in theres..   and a truce is in sight...  please give your son a hello for me...     i have two more stars i have to light in the sky or a super nova for you both,  you choose..     ah  yes ,   my glasses.  i have ones with different color glass but tonight ill wear the ones with mirrors and reflect on all that is beautiful..    tonys at moon base one. 

[Appleblossom]

@Sophia1 

I hope you are back in one piece from your family day. I hope there were enough random pleasant social moments to make the trip worthwhile.

The way you wrote about being able to love your twin, is a little similar to the way I have had to deal with my many spiritual challenges.  Come to terms with what has happened, understand, and accept.  Love is the wiser path if at all possible.

Yes all that experience with schizophrenia.  Too much experience really.  Yet it is not what my son is deemed to have, nor does he present in that way.  When I queried one of his doctors, she was very quick to say there was a lot of research .... 

Yes You are right ... See the person.

Good to have you in my life.

Apple 

[Shaz51]

Sending you lots of hugs my sister @Sophia1 💖💖💖

[Adge]

Hi @Sophia1 Thanks for your thoughtful message.

Not speaking out of turn at all.

I always feel warmly towards thoughtfulnes & kindness.

I could have died from falling head-first through my ceiling, I have been told.

Indeed my Dentist today told me of a friend/ colleague of his, who fell from a much lesser height (only a metre or so), from a ladder.

He hit his head, & he did not survive.

I have not lost my sense of humour at all (I need that).

I've been the brunt of many Jokes in Bad Taste, since my fall - They were totally out of place, & have further dented any faith that I have left in Humanity.

Aliens would surely be Kinder, if they existed....

My new Aviary is still in the Box (in pieces), it is not yet Constructed.

Being served with Divorce papers, then Workplace Harrassment (not yet resolved), then falling through my ceiling, then several teeth breaking - There have been too many Spanners in the works.

So personal or meaningful things have gone on Hold - Until the Storm of very Bad Luck etc has passed.

Quite a few unexpected Waves crashing, one after the other - Not much opportunity to Re-group or to recover.

I like your idea of Celebrating the Divorce.

Although this has all been borne alone, with no support or company - So has been alienating in experience.

Best Wishes,

Adge

[Sophia1]

@Emelia8 @tonys @Appleblossom @Adge @Shaz51 @Jacques  and others whom have responded or hit the support button lately

On medical merrygoround with self tests for covid for husband as he is in vulnerable health category

Interesting how I plough full force into action when the need arises

Have always been this way

Without a second thought I am the first one there.

Yet self isolate?

Well not self isolating today

Have to go to dreaded chemist; supermarket and medical centre again.

Will speak soon

Sophia

💛sunshine to warm your hearts and the cockles of your soul as the old saying goes haha

[Sophia1]

A quick hello @RedHorse 

wondering how you are

@Clawde 

hoping all manageable in your world and looking forward to reading more on your keeping happy thread

@TAB 

Hoping that if you have moved you are reaping the rewards.

will think of more later