Coping with Christmas

[Former-Member]

Hi @greenspace  Nice to meet you.  

That is very sad that you have lost so many people that were close to you, no wonder you aren't looking forward to Christmas.  It sounds stressful spending it with your aunty.  

This might be a silly question, but do you have to spend it with your aunty?  Is there someone else that you can spend it with, or is there something else that you can do?  I understand that it would be very hard for you not going to be with your aunty and it probably would be very hard for you to tell her that you won't be spending it with her, but is it worth the stress?

I used to spend every Christmas with my family, siblings etc, even though it was very stressful.  I did it so I wouldn't offend or upset anyone, especially my mother.  When my father passed away at Christmas time, years ago, our whole family fell apart and Christmas time became more stressful and full of grief, arguments etc.  Finally I decided that I wasn't going to spend Christmas with the family anymore, because I would become really emotional etc weeks before and after (I would fall apart afterwards, no energy etc).

It was extremely difficult telling my mother and even after years have passed, she still hopes and thinks that I will join in with them.  I don't want anything to do with them, long story, but I have been very hurt by my siblings etc.............  lots of dysfunction etc.  

I have a hubby and daughter, so I am not totally alone, but it is still sad that we are alone.  It gets easier every year.  Last year we did something fun on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day we were unexpectedly invited to someone's place for Christmas lunch.  We had a nice day, instead of being depressed, it turned out lovely.  

This Christmas I am going to make sure that we do something different again, so we don't feel alone and depressed.

 Before last Christmas, it always was depressing, because everyone seemed to be with friends and family, except us.  I'm not sure what we will do, but I will make sure we do something nice and different.

What do you think about not spending it with your aunty?  It's just a thought. 

Please disregard my suggestion if you're not happy with it.  I just thought I'd share what I had to do to make life easier.  I used to put everyone's feelings before my own, but it wasn't working for me at all.  I was down in the pits, not worth it.  I have my hubby and daughter to think of now.  

Look forward to hearing from you.  

[greenspace]

Thanks, Pip. I don't think she has OCD more likely GAD.

[greenspace]

Thanks, @Former-Member. Good on you for doing what you needed to do. Sorry you've had such awful experiences around Christmas, with your father passing away, and hurtful interactions with your siblings.

I would love to get to the point where I can tell my aunt I'm doing something else for Christmas - some day...

I hope you have a good one this year, and you & your husband & daughter have a really lovely time

[Former-Member]

Thanks @greenspace 🌷🌹🌸🌻🌼

It's such a difficult time for so many people. Sad that it has turned out to be so stressful for many.

I hope that somehow it can be a bit better for you this year.

Will there be alot of people at your aunty's?
Is there anyone you could pethaps take with you for support?

[Former-Member]

Too much to even begin trying to explain @pip. I should start my own thread if I was to try. Thanks for expressing interest. 

[Change123]

The best thing we ever done was to " opt" out of the christmas rubbish of having to visit everyone, go to my family, go to my partners family.  I didnt realise at the time as I wasnt diagnosed yet but those days were full of triggers, yelling, arguments, people backstabbing it was so toxic! (mainly my side of the family) so we told both our families from now we will come and see you for christmas before or after but as we dont have kids we dont want to get into the christmas thing as it stresses us out too much.  They didnt like it at first but then when they saw we were not going to change our mind they were ok with it (mind you my family always gave me digs about it).  This has made such a  difference to us around christmas time no more stress!

Sometimes you need to give yourself priorty over these sorts of things and do whats best for you not what everyone expects you to do.

 l learnt that the hard way spent most of my life trying to please my parents, never happened just caused me more grief.

[Former-Member]

Yay, was gonna start a thread on this, have much to say & need your support guys. Come back later xox

[pip]

Hi @Change123. I used to try to please everyone, my ex, his family, my family etc. I wound up that sad, depressed etc. It's not worth the agro. Part of the reason I left my ex was his constant need for his parents. He would ring them every 2nd or 3rd night. Every conversation finished with 'love you heaps'. I'm not jealous, but at 64 isn't it time he grew up. I gather he hasn't changed, they still are his life. I'm happier since I left and re-established myself. If he did try to distance himself, the amount of crap he endured. I have two kids, I love them but they have their own lives, I certainly don't expect them to cling to me. My daughter is at present causing me some grief. I've decided to distance myself till she sorts herself out. My son I scarcely hear from. I taught my kids, no news is good news. In other words if you don't hear for a while, everything is okay. I ring them now and again, he never rings, DIL rings occasionally. They're good kids but I have my life, they have theirs. I'm not seeing either of them for Christmas, son is going away, daughter, I have no idea. Not worried, I'll probably just enjoy a quiet day.

[Change123]

@pip

This is so true, and I think BPD we have this need for approval and that just feeds their already bad behaviour toward us.

Within my family there was so many expectations around christmas and new year.  We had to go to my mums or grandmas, plus presents that they all just bitched about.  Hell my father used to pick on my partner because my partner would not get drunk and drive me home, apparently to my father this was a bad thing he would have much rathered that my partner got blind drunk and drove his own daughter home like that - this was when we were in early 20's so still kids really.  Everything was expected that they wanted, even to the point when my parents got divorced my mum wanted me to do another extra year of highschool even though I had passed with flying colors (always B & C student) so she could go straight on the pension.  She actually called me at the time of 16 years old a selfish bitch for wanting to get a job instead of repeating a year at school that I didnt need to do.  I was expected to put up with all the abuse because " he is your father" , she made me feel like I owed her , I had to beg to get my hair cut when at school becuase she was rather spend the money on herself (buying  adress to go out with etc) It shook their world when I stopped and they could not fathom that it was my choice so the next logical thing was to blame my partner and tell everyone he is brain washing me!

[pip]

@Cange123. Families, who needs them? I was told to leave school at 15 to help out with expenses. My brother was 5 years older, but couldn't keep a job, so I was considered better. My dad was alcoholic, narcissistic. Mum non-caring, emotionally abusive. I did manage to secure a really good job which I loved. Mum rowed with neighbors on a regular basis, so we shifted house with monotonous regularity. When we moved into the last house we lived in as a 'family' I had been invited to share accommodation with a girl I worked with. Under no circumstances was I permitted to do so. I was told in no uncertain terms I was lazy, bad-tempered, therefore no family would tolerate me for long, therefore I couldn't leave home. I became pregnant at 16 and this caused such an uproar I was immediately thrown out, with a label. My nana and dad's sister offered me sanctuary, I refused as I didn't want this to cause further dissention. Luckily the baby's dad's parents took me in. I stayed with them till my daughter was nearly a year, then left. I married the father when she was 2, big error. We stayed together for just over 2 years, my son was about 8 months old when we parted. I made the 2nd big mistake, went home. Parents made it ultra-clear I was welcome, without my kids. Eventually left them, took back my kids. Been on my own since, apart from another 2 disastrous marriages. First hubby (kids dad) suicided. 2nd hubby eventually returned to his 1st wife. 3rd hubby, last one, still mama and dad's boy. Have great bf now, but no intention of moving in with him. Would rather be on my own, we email daily, maybe, hopefully, we will get together. I would love to see him, just to share some time together. Through him, though I have learned to be self-sufficient and self -reliant. I had to get to know 'me' before I could hope to live with anyone else. 3rd hubby quite good at stripping me of confidence. Loved to tell me I drove too fast. He received more speeding tickets than anyone I knew. I'm still waiting for my speeding ticket. I drive to the speed permitted. I'm not professing perfection, but why speed? I'm in the process of training for a driving job with the firm I work for.