Coping with Christmas

[greenspace]

Any tips for surviving the festive season?

[pip]

@greenspace. Are you alone or do you have company? If you are alone, is there someone you could invite over or perhaps ask if you could visit with them for awhile. If you are surrounded by people and just need 'time out', I suggest (if it's fine) maybe try going for a bit of a walk and just breathe and relax. Often when we are surrounded, it's more stressful because trying to entertain people is hard work. Perhaps also you could think about some activities for people (especially children) to occupy themselves with. If you are having a crowd for Christmas day, perhaps suggest everyone bring something to add, so you're not left with feeding the horde. Try to relax, don't take responsibility if people don't eat dead on lunch time. Maybe put the meal out, buffet style, let everyone help themselves whenever they want to eat. As for the 'opening the presents' time. I suggest you bring out a few large rubbish bags and see if you can get everyone to put their wrapping paper in the bag. I realize this is quite a difficult task, but doing this keeps the mess to a minimum, plus saves you horrendous cleanup when they've gone. Buying presents, there is no easy way to do this, except perhaps before the kids break for summer. People are starting to collect their 'layby's' now so most of them started getting presents early. I hear of people who buy presents all year, not a bad idea, but how do you keep them secret? I often buy while I'm at work due to my job involving taking clients shopping. If I 'layby' something during my working day, while I'm at work, I go back a.s.a.p. and pay and collect. Hope these tips have helped. Hope also you manage to enjoy Christmas.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @greenspace

Good thinking, I can't believe that it is already November!

perhaps this would be a good topic tuesday idea @NikNik?

[Queenie]

Last year I was alone for Christmas,  so I went along to a community Christmas party for those doing it tough. I had an amazing time and forgot how difficult the day usually is for me. I even made some friends! 

[pip]

@Queenie. I was thinking of helping serve Christmas dinner, but because it's done through our local church (and I've stepped back for a while) this idea had to be shelved. Your idea sounds fab.

[Former-Member]

Worried about xmas too. In past years we've managed to be alone, which is the best and safest, but this year that won't be possible. It will be filled with triggers and we won't be home - the place we need to stay in, is itself massively triggering. We kind of broadly know what we need to do to minimise risks but I still feel like it won't be enough. Sigh.

[pip]

@Former-Member. Can you please elaborate. Are you staying with friends/rellies? What sort of triggers are you describing. If it is 'people' type, there are ways of preparing for unforseen dangers for lack of another word. If, for instance there is unnecessary, unjustifiable abuse simply smile and tell whoever, they are entitled to their opinion, then quietly walk away. Having the last word is not necessarily correct as this always leads to further unwarranted verbal attacks. Sometimes the best way is to leave the attacker guessing. Also if the attacker believes they have the upper hand it can make for truce. How long will you be away? Another 'out' is to try to distance yourself when possible for recharging the batteries.

[greenspace]

My sympathies

[greenspace]

My issues are to do with grief (mostly missing my mum, who I was lucky enough to get on really well with; plus an uncle and a cousin my age on Mum's side of the family died earlier this year), and with one aunt who has an anxiety disorder that she refuses to acknowledge.

My aunt's coping strategies include trying to have everything the same at every Christmas (which we've had at her place every year for the last thirty years, except when her late mother was in hospital or the nursing home, when we had it there), and not talking about anything upsetting on Xmas Day (or ever, really. except her poor health).

I know that it's tough for my aunt too - she misses her mum too, and needs her coping strategies because of a tough childhood. I just wish that she wasn't so intent on controlling everything, demanding that everyone appear happy, serving the same food every year - even though she knows that more of us are vegetarian than not, there must be Christmas ham, and only she and one other person can eat Christmas cake and Christmas pudding, due to food allergies and intolerances.
She is hurt and upset when any changes are suggested (like having it somewhere else).

I know that I'm having trouble keeping things in perspective, but it's just so sad being in the place where we had so many Christmases with my mum and nana, now that they're both gone.

My aunt's way of coping is to act like everything is okay. my way would be to make things as different as possible, and to acknowledge our grief, and to enjoy the new reality as much as we can, and give each other lots of hugs (my aunt is fine with the hugs, just not changes or grief).

And I know there are many people worse off than me, and I feel for them...

[pip]

@greenspace. Could be your aunt has a form of OCD. If you are unsure of this and how to tell if someone has this problem. OCD is a form of MI, where the sufferer has to have everything the same. If things are different they tend to panic as this is out of their comfort zone. Extreme cases are indicated by constant scrubbing of hands or face, incessant need to scrub clean everything in the house, multiple times. I have seen cases where furniture is covered so as not to be used for fear of germs. In your aunt's case I would say her OCD takes the form of everything must remain the same to give her a sense of comfort. It's possible she could be aware she has some form of insecurity and to remain the same each year gives her the comfort she has lost. OCD sufferers are unable to cope with grief as they don't know how to acknowledge it. Grieving is very personal and private, we each deal with grief differently. Perhaps you could stipulate that you only stay there with your aunt for a short time as you have other plans. It also sounds as though mentioning your mum is something your aunt can't deal with. Perhaps before you arrive at your aunts house, take a moment to remember your mum. When you are at your aunts take a notice of how she puts food on her plate. If she has OCD, this will be obvious by the way she puts the food on. Also the amount of meat, veggie. The meat could be strategically placed, as will be any veg she has. With OCD often the food on the plate is arranged extremely tidily, she will strategically place veg at certain angles adjacent to the meat. She will possibly show distress at others who, in her view, place food haphazardly on their plates. If she does not have this condition, she could just be unable to discuss your mum and anyone else who has passed. It's possible she has a cry before anyone arrives, there are people who can't be seen to be crying.