Weighed Down

[kato]

Hi,

I am struggling, With everything at the moment

Are my thoughts real are they being translated by my brain into what they are meant to be or are they coming through scrambled??

I have been living with my parents for close to 2 months now after my separation from my wife and basically when my life came crashing down around me in a messy pile, I love my Parents they have been really supportive etc, but i find myself hating them, they question nearly everything that i do, they also ask me about everything they are doing if it is ok with me??? I don't care if we are having carbonara sauce or a tomato and basil sauce seriously i don't care, what is for dinner i will eat it whatever, if i'm hungry i will eat i say!!!!

I can't keep living with them even tho they make life very affordable, i don't have to put in for anything even if i want to they refuse, i can't stand that (FFS)

I finally got centrelink sorted so i have some form of income coming in, to help me cover the large debts i have managed to accrue in the space of 12months - they don't know about my debts, i have a financial counsellor who has been quite helpful etc

I had a Friend refer me to read up on Bi-Polar symptoms etc, it seems very legit that is what i have when manic and depressed - i should call it that as from what i have read online my symptoms are quite severe, i downplay how i am to just about everyone because it is easier..... what is easier bottling it up so when i sit and listen to music i will start crying??? no reason or i will watch a movie on my computer and a moving part comes on - start crying..... I have never cried this much in my whole life from what i can remember....

My memory keeps getting worse and worse, i don't remember what day it is, what i did yesterday what appointments i have coming up, i managed to completely forget a psychologist appointment, i had it down for next week not this week, so that is gonna cost me LMAO. why does money play such a big role in my life............ I have always made decent income - not bad for someone who never finished high school, last twelve years except for 1 year in the middle i been middle - high income bracket

always pushing myself to make more and more, yet for some reason i have always spent what i make plus more, gambling, drugs alcohol all the evils in life, trying to keep myself functioning so i can make more money - why so i can spend it and pretend everything is fine.

what a joke i have been from the age of 15 onwards, i am now 32 years old and i have not a cent to my name, i am currently 2 months clean from all the evils except cigarettes - not a good idea for me to stop them at the moment, but no drugs - Check, no alcohol - check (probably not a good idea anyways with the combo of meds i am on) Take my meds everynight - check (4 tablets) 3 different meds

Take my meds every morning - check (4 tablets) 1 med

So i am doing everything right yeah - why do i feel like shit, so much hatred of myself, so much sadnes over my joke of a life? always second guessing everyones motives in my life, - why are my parents whispering too each other in the other room??? who was on the telephone just then??? do i recognise that car driving past??? why have none of my old friends contacted me??? do they know the full truth of what happened with me and my now ex wife these last 12months??? are they planning on beating me up??? who knows and why does my brain keep doing this to me??

voices in my head different ones i thought was normal for everyone - perhaps not, music always playing not in my head but i can always hear music - not necessarily the lyrics but definetly the beat - why does my mood get better when i put on music similar to that - by better, more hyped up WTF!!!

mood changes more then daily maybe 2 - 3 times a day i run the rollercoaster up down up down, sometimes the down is right down and i find myself shaking curled up in a ball with poorly written goodbyes written, i have never acted on my thoughts that i get daily but i think sometimes i get close, i am not stupid, that is not smart, not worth doing, my usual talk myself out of it routine - no doctors understand when i tell them the answer to that ridiculous question, is daily.

i am writing this as a means to express what i am going through, i know i am very lucky to have such help and assistance, but i don't feel lucky, they my parents drive me crazier - the looks, the questions, the way i can tell they want me to just get over it - never said just the feeling they convey,

conversation i had with my mum, her - we really need to get you out socialising with good people, you know your good friends - emphasis on good

me - you mean friends of mine who don't do drugs

her - well yes

me - well that narrows it right down to basically no-one LOL

her - oh

Conversation ended,

Sometimes i just say i am going out for a bit, just to get out of the house, i drive up to the mountains and relax, or i just drive around music blaring, going no where in particular just out of the house, Out and about where my thoughts are just on driving to no where - hey that person wants to race - my brain gets excited when i drive, i start speeding everywhere i am going, i realise this after 20 minutes sometimes longer - time to go home very consciously drive back home, home to the looks and questions

I wish i had done things differently the last 17 years differently - maybe longer then 17 years but 17 is a long enough time.

2 months clean, i haven't gone this long before, it is a nice feeling, i was lucky no withdrawal symptoms, no real cravings, i think my combo of meds helped that aspect, but i still find myself thinking of scoring and getting high, to go back to my normal way of life that i know and remember, only the good times.... a lot of bad times that my brain has wiped my memory for me......

I see so many people on the forums who have real issues and problems and here's me whinging about having a comfortable place to stay, having lots of help etc

as i know tho looks can be decieving, if you were to see my family with me, you as an outsider would be thinking what a lucky SOB, your right i am, but then superimpose yourself into my shoes - someone who is questioning reality, has no idea what is actually real and what is not, i have no idea, no clue on my memory of yesterday is that real did that happen, did i say that, or was that just what happened in my very very vivid dream??

I know this is just a jumbled ramble from the depths of my brain, but i had to get it out, had to write it down, had to do something to try and clear my head, it won't help i know, because i will forget this very moment of being up and getting manic, i won't recall the feeling of weights being lifted by writing this, but hopefully it will help the rest of my day today and carry through to tomorrow, tomorrow, where i reschedule my missed appointment with my psychologist - thanks brain for forgetting that appointment.

I see so many strong people in this forum, so many kind souls, so many caring spirits, so many just effing awesome people, there are too many to name, but you all know who you are, you have knowledge and understanding, have been through the tough times and come out the other end, yes i know some of you are still working through it, it seems so far away for me, to even get close to where some of you are at, the struggle so difficult, will i make it out with the knowledge to be able to help myself or others, or is my mind going to just forget this stage of my life, like it has before, and will probably again.

Thank you to everyone on the forums

from the casual contributers to the seniors and all the moderaters and forum staff

Thanks

Kato

i just had to get it out of my head

[kristin]

hey @kato 

Well done for blurting on the virtual page. I really hardly know where to start, I'm rather an emotional pancake myself at the moment.

I hope it's helped ease the burden somewhat, even for a little while. It's good you've got an appointment with your psych tomorrow.

I hear your grief and distress about what you see as the loss of so many years. They are gone, yet they are not lost - you have survived them and with feeling suicidal every day that's incredible. In myriad ways those years are informing who you are becoming now - the good choices and the "bad". We are designed to learn most from our mistakes, and even the mistakes of others when we are impacted by them.

You'll probably want to kick me for saying this - today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. I don't want to minimise in any way how much you are suffering with this. I've been through similar territory myself many times. It does get easier over time. This too will pass, but I'm not going to lie and say quickly - the reality is I don't know. 

Hopefully having a bit more clarity about what you may be dealing with will help you in getting an "official" diagnosis. Its a very painful place to be -wanting an answer and yet hoping to be wrong.

One of the things that we learned in the TACT course I did with ECASA last year was really helpful. It was a way of getting through such intense feelings, helping to allow them to pass through without being quite so devastating. Imagine the sky, and how the sun shines down. Now imagine that there is a huge terrifying storm with thunder, lightning, hail and torrential rain. Above the storm the sun is there and the sky is still blue. You are the sun and the weather is your feelings. They will pass in time, and you may feel pretty wrecked afterwards but you will endure.

Kind regards,

Kristin

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @kato..I would like to remind you of some aspects that we see of you here on the forums..

1) you are kind, considerate, thoughtful and reflective in what you post to other people..

What would you say to you if it was me that wrote your post? It is a hard habit to not be our own enemy..let's just battle with our mental health instead..and maybe not view our state of being as a battle but as a negotiation to live peacefully together..

You have also been encouraging of other people's efforts..so here's to you for being alcohol free for 2 months..that is huge! Your physical body is thanking you, the harder part is relearning to accept our emotions if we have been numbing them with alcohol. But, plenty of "healthy" people numb themselves with booze, drugs too..so kudos to you for doing so well..

Now, what are some of the physical effects of booze, weed or other drugs? They can alter the wiring in our brain..so can mental health issues like psychosis..but we can rewire our brain..it is bloody hard work but worth it..17 years of struggling is not going to be solved within 2 months. Change is painful but permanently rewarding..

Have you hooked into any face to face peer support groups in your area? I know I must sound like your mum, nagging on about helpful environments and mutual respect but I recovered largely through peer support..
I hear your frustration with your parents.. Maybe think of them as acting out of love, they just want you to be well and content..you might let them know about the carers forum..it may help alleviate some of their concerns too..

You are such a shining beacon on this Forum kato, you have been so brave in your honesty, I will shut up now and let others jump in...those feelings will pass, you can rebook an appointment and keep posting..

Bug virtual hug to you and all of your loved ones...

[NikNik]

Yeah! What they said! 🙂

We're here @kato 

[peace]

Wow Kato that was a huge open heart there. I commend you whole heartedly. I so encourage you to continue with you being clean. It may take a few more months for your mind to refocus. These is a you inside there that you haven't been in touch with for over 17 years did you say? Give yourself a little time. Sounds like you may also be experiencing a grieving for the years of abuse and the shame associated with it. Work through this as best as you can and please be gentle with your soul. As gentle and understanding as I have seen you relate to others who are suffering. Bless you Kato.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @kato,

Quitting D&A can feel like you're stripping away a mat that once hid and musked everything that you swept underneath it. For many people, this can stir up a lot emotions, and thoughts that you may not have seen for quite sometime. This added with MI can be particularly intense. There's a lot of stuff going on for you.

You're going through some massive changes at the moment. It's not only a just matter of stopping drugs and living living with your folks, but a lifestyle change too - and this is not easy for most people, particularly if you have lived a certain way for 17 years.

This is a long time of behaving a certain way versus two months of learning something new. It's kind of like saying, now trying writing with your opposite hand. Not that I want to minimise what you're going through. What I'm trying to say, is that it's normal to feel like it's a struggle. Sometimes you'll feel like you're cruising, other day's will feel a battle. As Sandy and Kristin mentioned, it all passes, and washes away.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with us so honestly, Kato.

CB

[kristin]

Hey @kato ,

I hope you are travelling a bit more gently, & that your psych appointment yesterday was helpful.

I just found these on the Black Dog Institute site, & thought they might be of interest...

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/Self-testingforbipolardisorder.

BTW this was me: "People usually present for help when depressed and then – in discussing symptoms with the health practitioner – commonly focus on the current depression rather than
on the longitudinal pattern of ‘mood swings’ " (for decades I thought manic =ed normal/well!)

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/healthprofessionals/bipolardisorder/diagnosingbipolardisorder/wh...

This bit really struck me: "Drug and alcohol misuse (around 40% of patients with bipolar disorder) and abuse is common. Often these substances are taken initially as an attempt at 'self-medication' but can lead to physical and psychological dependence. Clearly excessive use of alcohol and illicit substances can produce mood symptoms in themselves but the risk of normalising these symptoms as only being part of the dependency problem will lead to a misdiagnosis and a missed opportunity for treatment. Concurrent anxiety disorders (social phobia, panic disorder, generalised anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder) are also very common, occurring in around 50% of people with the illness."

Take care.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[kato]

Haha, so i been down, like really down the last maybe 5 days.... not too sure how long but,

Went to bed late, woke early feeling Energised - warning sign for mania

Yee Haa gonna be a good day, i may not have achieved too much actually nothing really, but played my computer game that i had lost interest in, so that's good, feeling like i can tackle tomorrow now - warning sign for mania.

meetings meetings meetings, different things, financial counsellor, - almost cancelled that all together yesterday,

called to confirm new psychiatrist recieved my referal letter - good thing cos they had wrong contact details for me. New psychiatrist in the new year.

And i am going to do a few hours work at my dad's work for some cash. So funny how things change for me over the course of a few days, not too sure if it is meant to, but who cares, Motivation is a good feeling. - another warning sign for mania.

When i feel like this i understand that it is me getting manic, so i make sure i am extra aware of my thoughts and actions, to realize the symptoms and signs of a turn in mood. i have written this to help show others what i expierence when i feel myself start getting mania, maybe it will help someone identify there warning signs as well.

so one thing that has changed, my wife and i have decided that we can't go back to the way we were, and that we are not going to reconcile, it was agreed upon via text message, she told me her thoughts which were similar to mine, and i feel good about the choice, i know it has hit me once already and i was extremely upset, and i know that i will keep having these moments of grief from time to time, but i actually feel good inside about it.

It doesn't make sense why, except it is like another weight being taken off my shoulders, i now know i am on this journey for me and me alone.

Why does mania make everything feel like it's going to be ok??? I know it shouldn't, it shouldn't change how i feel about a situation but it does, i think maybe others can identify.

Realization - using drugs would give me a similar feeling, but not in a good way, i am happily clean. i know that this is happening, and i am keeping tabs on my thoughts and my mood, when i start feeling like this i know it can affect my judgement, and i remind myself to re-think my thoughts, does that sound logical, does that make sense? if you did that what would happen/could happen?

i then practice my deep breathing relaxation methods, focusing on drawing in the positive exhaling the negative, but i remind myself as well to make sure i am being realistic with my thought patterns.

I know this a bit jumbled random but maybe someone can see some sense in it and possibly maybe identify what they feel or think when similar expierence happens??

I am not saying anyone will be the same but maybe similar expierence?

i am looking forward to my psychologist appointment this week, it is on thursday so i will have a good chat with her regarding everything LOL

I find it amusing how open i find myself being when i write, i believe because of the anonymity of the forum i am comfortable disclosing details about myself,

However i do thank everyone for allowing me to have this anonymity, i respect everyone's choices, the same way that my choices are respected also, i do hope in the future to be comfortable enough to let you all know my real name, but for now..... i am still learning about myself

Respect to everyone here

Thank you

[Rick]

Howdy Kato

Aint life just a pip?

The meds cover a multitude of sins but never quite enough. I had a good day once/ Sure I did. Must have.

Can't always be like this.

In all seriousness now can I ask you question?

Well you did'nt say no so..................

Do you ever access support services?

Do you have any contacts for srvices who could visit you?

If'n you want I pass along some names of places/ I use A service

Neami.  I have a support worker who can't make it all go away but can listen to me when I cry about it.

Strangely it does seem to help.

Partners in Recovery are a good bunch. They work with MI folk and fund alot of programs that do the same.

I'm just saying because when the monster is walking  round the room sometimes we need reminding that there's more than just monsters in our world

I do believe

Hope endures

Rick 

[kato]

Hey Rick,

Yeah life is an interesting saga, one that never ceases to surprise me...

Good days are few and far between, yet sometimes on a bad day i can see the good, not often but sometimes,

a question not asked is an answer not given,

I have been asked this particular question a few times by diffeent members of the forum, i have not accessed any support services as yet, my reason: i don't actually understand the health system to even figure out what services are available to me.... also on top of that i have a lot of issues with trust and groups of people i don't know,

in the past couple of years i saw a holistic counsellor, and through him did a group course, it was very confronting for me personally, as it broached many issues of mine, i went every day of the course over a few months i think it was about 8 sessions, by the eigth session i was comfortable enough to give my input into the course like the others had done almost from day one...

My issues with myself stem quite deeply with a massive amount of guilt, self hatred, anger, fear and anxiety for being judged, i am very reserved naturally, quiet almost shy, i sit back and observe from others, i do not have that ability in me to be open about everything i have done and been through to anyone at the moment, i am only just starting to open up to my psychologist parts of me...

and as open as i am on this forum, there are still parts of my story that will never grace the pages of here, it is a part of me that is lost in memory but i have knowledge on what i have done through other sources and it is something that is going to take me along long time to be able to explore and heal.

will i in the future be able to comfortably seek out extra assistance, yes will it be easy - No

some things shall remain my knowledge only until i am capable of knowing how to better deal with it, i appreciate everyone's inputs tho, and seeing as i do not understand how to access certain services does not mean i don't want to, it just means i have a journey to take before i can start.

My one issue is because i don't have a diagnosis, most services seem to be for people with a severe illness, i have not been informed if my illness is severe or even exactly what my condion is, makes it difficult to explain to these services that i might need help in my opinion.

Example: i called the Cat team a couple of months ago when alot of shit was happening, crying asking no i was begging the operater for help, but because i couldn't answer his question i didn't get help

his question: what do you need help with?

me: i don't know i am crying i am in trouble i believe i am already on your books?

him: yes you are, but what do you need help with?

me: i don't know, are you saying your not going to help me?

him: well i can't if you don't tell me what you need help for!

Me: i finally get the courage to call the catt people and your saying you can'y help me?

him: are you safe?

me: nevermind, and hang up the phone.....

If i can finally build up the courage to ring the people who are meant to help in a crisis but they can't help me, i don't think services for people with severe MI are going to accept me.

my psychiatrist has apparently sent letters to community groups requesting services for me.... no response to me.

I am not ready it seems to be able to access possible services, in the future i hope to be able to.

I know i went off on a tangent and apologise,

if you made it this far thank you