@DoriansDorterYes, the "how to cope with it" is the hardest bit to solve. I decided, for my own mental health, to distance myself from her as just dealing with her would trigger me. It's like she has a natural instinct of knowing exactly what to say to me that will flick a switch to make me so angry in an instant that it's hard to control and I need to leave before I give in to temptation and start an argument. Then recently, she had some serious medical issues and I was forced back into regular contact with her. I didn't want to, but how would I look if I didn't do all I could to help!?
The only way I've found to deal with it is to surround (if you can 'surround' yourself with only a couple of people) who know what she's like and how it has affected me and can support me, and just be on my side by understanding what I deal with. I really don't know what else I can do. You can them out of your life... you're bad! You try to explain to people... you're bad. You go on like before and try to ignore it... everyone is happy except you and the mental toll gets worse. So i try to always remind myself that none of it is my fault, I deserved better and despite growing up like that I turned into what I consider quite a respectful, generous and empathetic person. Maybe I have her to thank for that... who knows.
I guess if someone asks again "Has she always been like that?", you could answer "She's always been the same." or something like that. You're telling them the truth, you've just left it up to them to decide what that truth is. It's in the way your say it I guess to leave them with a bit of doubt as to exactly what you meant... sowing a seed in their mind possibly. I wish I had more advice on how to cope with it, but that's the true deviousness of that sort of manipulation... it doesn't leave you any real way to win. The people she has fooled don't spend anywhere near the time with her that you do and have so what chance do you have to convince them? The fact she even fooled your husband for so long, speaks for how good at it she is.
I think for me, recognising what hurts and pains me the most was important to move on from it as much as possible. That was how it has effect me throughout my life, my inability to trust people and form connections with anyone. So I stopped focusing on her and tried to focus on myself and trying to undo some of the damage and that is where having people around me that do understand helps so much. Like here, people don''t have to know about my mother to help me try and undo some of the damage so I continue to reach out and make connections with anyone who is willing to share their experiences which helps to remind me I don't have to feel so alone anymore.
So the next person that comes up to you saying what a saint your mother is, give a little "up for interpretation" comment if it makes you feel a little better (it does for me), but ultimately feel bad for them, because they've been badly manipulated and don't know it. Then walk away and remind yourself that you are not a fault, you are the one suffering and that you only want people around you that are supportive and can make you feel better and happier. That's all that matters at the end of the day. Feeling the way you do is only allowing that manipulation to continue.
It will always hurt, not just because some people don't see the truth, but because of that they're completely blind to how it has affected you all of these years. And for me anyway, that's the key thought that makes me want to focus on healing myself because I see it as the best way to ultimately reject as much of a lifetime of manipulation and attempted shaming as much as possible. Plus I think about how she must have had a lot of her own issues to be like that, so I refuse to be dragged down with her, feeling just as bad about myself.
