Saintly Mother - so I'm Told

[tyme]

Hey @DoriansDorter ,

How are you today?

To be honest, if she hasn't changed after 89 years, I'm kind of thinking she won't. 

So what does this mean? It means you probably have to find ways to beat the feeling so you can be on top and come out on top. 

There are some people you just can't change, and don't want to change. And that's okay because it's their choice. They probably end up burning all their bridges.

At the same time, I'm thinking that a Pollyanna attitude is beneficial for the person themselves in that they don't have to look at the other person and think about how horrible they are. I actually think it's not easy being a Pollyanna! I get what it can mean though! Toxic positivity!

[DoriansDorter]

Hello @tyme I apologise for how long it's taken me to reply. I did see your message before I got separated from my beloved computer and couldn't reply.

Yeah, I don't think she'll change at this stage either. I just have to continue living with my dishonesty-by-silence. After 68 years doing it, I guess another however many can't hurt any further :'(

Bless my husband, he's going for a small operation on Monday without a care in the world. 100% Pollyanna, but he's not damaging his nervous system I guess LOL

Thank you for your reply. It's lovely to be able to tell the truth somewhere.

[DoriansDorter]

@MJG017 thank you so much for your reply and apologies it's taken me so long to reply.

I'm really glad to hear that you enjoyed some time distanced from your 'problem', though very sorry you've 'had to' step in with her medical issues. That sucks! They really do have some magic skill to know exactly what to say to hurt us the most. I've never, in my entire life, answered mine back. I'd be too terrified. Whether that means she programmed me so well I can't return, or I'm a massive woos, I don't know.

I don't have any friends. I had an 'electronic friend' for about 8 years but she has someone living with her now, who meets all of her friendship needs so we rarely communicate. I've met people sometimes and been friendly, but there always seems to be a problem personality in the mix sometimes, and I run at the first sign of getting steamrolled. My husband doesn't want friends. Hasn't had one since I met him as I'm truly all he wants. That doesn't mean he stops me from going out with people, but... as above. I gained one beautiful friend/neighbour 3 years ago, but her life is falling apart this year and she's (very understandably) turned a bit abrasive, so my flight response has kicked in. I was a long way down her best friends list. I accepted that easily and was grateful for what time we did spend together but... as above LOL

There are many lovely people in my retirement village, but if I tell one person the truth I'm afraid it will spread through the village very quickly. I don't see any need for mother to get hurt, as that would be the outcome.

I told her once on the phone of a few things she'd done recently. She kept trying to wriggle out sideways and change the topic but I just brought her back on track and continued firmly but fairly telling her some decades overdue truths. I was shaking so hard I could barely stand up, but sooo proud of myself. She spent the next 3 months talking to hubby behind my back, telling him she'd done nothing wrong, telling him I needed psychiatric help, that I was falling apart because we don't have a dog any more, and generally trying to get him 'on her side' and against me!

This was the point, after 48 years of marriage that he finally saw her for the manipulative creature she is. Ha!!! Her best friend is about to give up her driving license and mother is already distancing herself as that friend will be of no use anymore. So much for 25 years of 'friendship' AKA being used up.

As you said, anything we try to explain to anyone else puts us in the wrong. You get the horrified 'But she's your mother!' etc and that all hurts so badly. Exactly! None of our abuse is our fault.

Quote: I guess if someone asks again "Has she always been like that?", you could answer "She's always been the same." End quote.

That did make me laugh. How true!

Someone told me yesterday that I sound like mother and laugh the same (I get that all the time - how sickening!) but for the first time ever I laughed and said "Nobody needs that!" Perhaps I'm breaking free at long last.

Good for you with all you're learning and moving through the past. I hope your journey to healing continues and gains momentum.

[Owlunar2]

Hi @DoriansDorter 

I hear you - I could say plenty about my mother but don't need to apart from her constant humiliation all my life until I walked out on her in Aged Care and never went back until just before she died. I saw her dying with regret - and I know that is not a good way to die and I won't go that way myself.

But yes - at her funeral my uncle was the celebrant, and I nearly threw up about the "saint" he was talking about when I knew differently. I rarely cried when she was alive but after her death - I was a mess - so I get it.

Would it make any difference if you did talk about it with someone who wasn't a professional. I have had the help of psychologists and the Blue Knot Foundation and it's all in the past now. I guess with a lot of grace I forgave her and since then I have been able to see what an unhappy person she was - not that I have given her any excuses for the reasons I see in her life.

I'm thinking of your well-being - not hers

My suggestion is to break with your mother if that's possible. I haven't read all of your thread but enough to know your life is really damaged by it and - you are great that you don't want to let anyone who knows her to learn about this and hurt her.

I'd say let people have their fantasies about her and find a life and interests of your own with your husband. I know what I am saying is pretty tough - very hard in fact - seeing as I lived though it for years - and even my daughter believes my mother to have been a sweet old lady.

But living like this takes a terrible toll on you. I am so sorry - no one needs to be on the inside of such family dissension. You have the right to a happy life yourself

Since my mother died - nearly 10 years ago - and with help from a psychologist I have been much healthier and happier. I had already broken off with my brother and then my sister. Toxicity in families is something that happens and it is so painful - I know

I wish you the best

Owlunar

[tyme]

At least he won't be having high blood pressure either @DoriansDorter ! Bless him lol.

Yeah, as you said, your mother's not going to change... so it's now about how you are going to work around her.

Set boundaries? Limit how much you see/talk to her?