Hi @Dec, I hear you re missing your dad, especially with...

[Owlunar]

I am so sorry @soul and I understand

My sister started lying young and has been a thorn in my life for a long long time - and I know some of her lies but not all - she has been so cruel - in her efforts to hurt me she has of course - but I have let them pass by knowing why she is that way. But her lies have causes collateral damage and this is most unfair - as well as my parents suffering her son and my daughter have been caught up in it - and still - I know she is really flawed within - it's not me at all

And likewise I would think your sister is the same - and I am so sorry you did not have that conversation with your mother. Of course it hurts - it always will. 

My mother's behaviour in the last years of her life - wow - like did she want to be forgiven? I did anyway - but I didn't visit either - until just before the end

And I know she couldn't hear and she didn't speak either - whether she could or not I don't know. What could she say? At least - being with her and stroking her hand and wiping her eyes - this was a time when the words could not get in the way - I could see her sorrow - that really did hurt because none of this needed to happen - whatever it was about

Even so - in the hospital - I had to be firm with my sister that I could sit with Mum while she and her husband had lunch - I often wonder about my sister and try to be charitable - it must be hard to come into the world and find the highly intelligent older child is well established - whatever it was - I know I hurt but I am okay

Whatever happened - you were wronged - possibly as I was by a flawed sister who lied - you have said there were lies - it was not your choice yet somewhere in all of that - as painful as it has been - you have been yourself - 

I care about you - I don't know what else to say except people in families hurt each other and this is so sad - and we can feel so badly wronged - which we are - of course

Caring heaps Soul

Dec

[Former-Member]

 Oh no @Soul, sounds like my sister and I. Thats sad. Do you miss her? I missed my sister for a few years but getting use to her not in my life now.

People say, and do weird things when under pressure / internal stress - like with grief. In the early days of my grief I was very sensitive (more than usually) and the last day I saw my sister I told her "I never wanna see you again" which I didn't really mean, was talking out of pain... and told her so later (email), but guess I was speaking out what SHE secretly wanted as she won't let it go. And i hear her hubby in the background saying 'no loss there' (they see MI as a choice people make for personal gain and therefore lack compassion).

As with most relationships it seems my children were the main attraction in my life, not me. Since my youngest is gone, and i had another long hospital breakdown, well, they faded pretty quick. Didn't know they were taking from me all along, drilling holes in my lifeboat so to speak, go figure.

I'd like to say it was a mistake to love them, let them into my family, giving my kidz much needed extended family... but my self esteem was so low I thought we couldn't live without them, and love is pretty high on my value scale. Guess that's why it hurts. Oops, got off track.

Guess What I'm trying to say Soul,  is - dont give up on your sister - keep praying for het, maybe throw out a fig branch of peace now and then (expecting nothing in return), you never know.

Maybe I'm a bit of a dreamer / idealist, as restoration is beautiful when its genuine, even in small doses. Not sure how genuine it was but I did get my first birthday card in years from her this March. I've been consistant with sending hers (but not her hardcase Hubby's who's birthday happens to be the same day my girl died, dont celebrate anything that week/month.

Ever since my breakdown in 1986 my family bumped me off the ridiculous pedistal I was on and now they just look down at me, no matter how hard I try (as does most - once they know). I think an MI diagnoses is like a social death sentence. I'm so tired of trying to prove to them its not. And hate that I need them. 

Anyway, hope you're not mad at me too. Black dogs saying you are. 

Sorry Soul, and Dec, I can't be all about your / my toxic sisters, dying / passed dads... broken relationships... Cant be rehashing past pain atm. Don't mean to invalidate yours, but - its hurting too much for me atm, and I'm falling apart here without focusing on all that. Not well 😢

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member

[soul]

It is difficult bringing up that hurt @Former-Member@Owlunar. Do I miss her? I miss the idea of a sister. She's two years older than me but we were never close despite sharing a bedroom up until my older brother moved out in my late teens.

Fortunately I have a very good friend who is the sister I wish I had. Even though she has two of her own, she refers to me as her "sister of another mother and another mister"

I knew that there was never going to any hope of reconciliation when I was sitting across from her at the hospital as my mother took her last breath and I was bawling my eyes out and she offered no comfort whatsoever. Didn't say anything to me. Just spoke to my brother who was sitting beside her. Then two weeks later, she sends me a photo of a rose garden and says that she and my younger brother scattered her ashes there (excluding me totally)

This is someone who when I have asked for help, flatly refused, when in the past, I bent over backwards putting my needs and my family's aside to help her out.

Anyway, as I know, I can't change the past. She lives in the same city and her daughter in the next suburb from me and I have to admit that I dread running into them as I did once a few months ago at Woolies. Now I only go there early in the morning as I know our paths won't cross.

There was a brief time when we were close towards the time our father passed away but when I brought that up, her response is that families fracture. Mine has shattered beyond repair.

[soul]

Sorry @Former-Member - I didn't mean to add to your grief. I guess we all need to vent sometimes. We try to push away the hurt but it never really goes away completely. I'm sending you a virtual hug and hope youre not crying over the keyboard like I am.

Take care - better days ahead - that's what I tell myself. All things must pass.

[Owlunar]

Just take it easy @Former-Member - I can tell it is all too much for you

I hope a moderator can help - this sounds pretty urgent

Sending lotsa hugs

Dec

[Former-Member]

Thanks Soul, Dec, I tried to connect with modz by email but think they're all busy today (what's new), just got
#1 reflective acknowledgement
#2 referred to other helps / services
- Lifeline telephone counselling: 13 11 14 (24 Hrs)
- Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 (24 Hrs)
- Emergency 000
- SANE helpline: 1800 18 7263
- Helpline chat: helpline@sane.org.

Eventually rang the helpline but they were 'taking other calls" but I left a message (that's the first time I'm brave enough to actually call them). Then I tried the sane chat - but it said "unavailable" Maybe they went home early. Or don't wanna talk to me, can't say I blame them, I'm a pain in the az, in the too hard basket (ever watched the movie 'Precious' ?) nobody can handle my experience, its too much, and i'm alone, seemingly beyond help - A scary realisation I usually pretend doesn't exist.

I'm so tired I think my hearts gonna fail soon.

Soul, I'm crying with you. My sister has a pseudo sister with two sisters too. Its aweful feeling replaced. You have been treated terribly. We both have, and frankly - nobody diserves it. BUT, i'm guessing whatever is inside our sisters does it - self serving - this is their way to cope. And avoiding them at your local shops, how aweful to have to rearrange our life to avoid the pain they bing into it. And maybe they hurt that we do that. I so relate to avoidance. And yet, it still hurts, without confronting things. My psych once told me avoiding increases the anxiety to it.

I could slip away today.

My son heads off to NZ this weekend. Maybe that's messing with parts of me i'm out of touch with. What if something goes wrong? Should I go into the snake pit and visit my parents for FDay? increase the likelihood of something going wrong and ruining my son's first vacation? Or am I castrophising? Avoiding? Just plain lazy?/I can't figure it out.  Nope, the only solution is to freeze over and do nothing. But even doing that - I fear I might die here. How do we will to go on??

Please don't cry, let's hope tomorrow is better.💜

Dec, is your cat behaving.

I'm gonna vege / escape into another movie. Dont wanna pull anyone down. My thinking needs a miracle. Wonder if missing my meds yesterday did it, made it worse?

Will Check in later 🌷🌿

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

I'm sorry you are feeling alone and that you are beyond help - that can be such a disheartening and hopeless place to sit it.  I just wanted to let you know that a moderator did respond to your email to try and help you today. If you are still needing that extra support right now, I am moderating the forums tonight - so please feel free to send an email and I will reply. However, if you feel the forums are helping you in the way you need, please continue to reach out here! 

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[Former-Member]

OK, if its safe?

[Former-Member]

But I think not because you agreed already "that you are beyond help" instead of reassuring me otherwise (you included)

Yes "that can be such a disheartening and hopeless place to sit it"

And you felt the need to correct me unnecessarily -

"that a moderator did respond to your email to try and help you today, Smiley Happy"

I need help but don't know what to ask, just feel yuk and feel safer communicating in the open.