SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

[Former-Member]

 

How long must I wait,

'till you come through the door,

I feel you, I hear you

but see you no more.

Its late and I'm frozen,

frozen in time.

Watching everyone leave me,

one at a time.

But I miss you the most,

your quirky ways,

those big brown eyes,

thick hair of waves.

Where did I go wrong?

Why did you leave?

I look at your door,

wont you come out please

I still hear the school bell,

all the children come out

Wont you come home from school,

"Hey mum" you shout.

In the street i still see you,

but then they turn round.

My world has gone silent,

trapped in ice looking out.

What is this place of waiting

stagnate waters that flow

Where am I now to go?

Who can ever really know.

by Tawney (former member)

[Former-Member]

✴⭐✴⭐✴⭐

Think maybe 48hrs no people contact makes me a bit crazy. I can't feel my body properly. Like I'm not really here, and yet I'm typing this here on my phone. Tinnitus whistles all day. Not one tx, call, visit or ...  Only you guys here. I'm not good, in a spaced out kinda way. Its like I'm not real but it doesn't matter, floating.

X5 things I HEAR: clock, dog snoring, whistles (tinnitus), car, distant dog bark, silence

x5 things I TOUCH: cotton sheets touching my legs, cold smooth wall, cold air coming in and out my nose, my pj's expanding on my chest as I breathe in and out.

x5 things I SEE:dimnly lit tongue-in-geuve white walls, bluish Monet picture hanging high, pink curtains draping long, purple butterfly on white background pillow...

TODAY (I mean yesterday as its 1am but I haven't gone to sleep yet), I was reminded / inspired by comments on GoodMorning thread to tend to some basic chores. Things I just lay in bed all day and forget they exist (especially after a setback in health and change in routine and plan this plant week). Fact is I'd ran out of fresh undies and clean cups to drink out of. Not good 😖. So, this was my 'keep going back to' jobs today. You probably won't believe mW but it took mW all day. One load of washing done and hung (still out there) and all the dishes & sauspans etc are clean. Yay! +for me atm). I'm still in my PJ's all day and haven't showered for days but got something dine. Had to havw lots of rests as wanted to faint a few times, energy drained from muscles..  Just go with it now, rest as needed. Actually walled round the backyard x10 in the sun too. Beautiful out there. Carella flock flew over and a butcher bird sang his melody loud. The recentcraib had washed everything clear, I felt so connected to the earth and the sky, both calling me. Tonight the moon is so bright I could visit on a moonbeam, launch off to bounce from a thousand stars. I just wanta go home. But sadness aside, I just tired and wish you goodnight. Hope you're all alright 🌃🌷🌿💜

[soul]

Hi @Former-Member it's cold here - single digit degrees. The sun is about to rise. I've been awake for a couple of hours. No rain predicted but it may be a bit cloudy. In a little while, I'm heading off on my Sunday walk. Music in my ears - walking, walking, no,talking. Just thinking and finding some beauty in this world. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @soul, nice to read your motivation. Cold here too. Looks like I got a bit melancholy here last night, oh well, barely remember, today's a new day 🙂 Got a tx from mother dearest recalling something she did for me when I was a teen, not sure how to respond. She's always needing validation. Thanks for dropping in, appreciate it! Really gotta grab a cup of tea - love that morning cuppa ☕ 🌷🌿

[Former-Member]

Only tonight my brother, the well one )whose maybe not so well) yelled at me down the phone, told me he won't be attending any funeral for our parents (who are both tettering on the brink) not inerested in all the 'church going hypocrites' in extended family, couldn't stand being in the same room as them as them at any funeral, so called Christians looking down their nose at us. He accused me of being the worst of them and to gicevup going to church. I asked how his wife and daughter were? He didn't answer. I asked him if he needed a house sitter while he & his wife were in China? He didn't answer. He said he only rang to tell me mum & dads fridge was broken and they need help but won't listen to him. Suggested he talk to other brother who sees them every day as I live much further away. He "flatly refuses to converse with baby bro's MI rubbish"... ... He talked over the top of me. Accused me of being brainwashed by tbe church to have funerals when we don't need them... Told his wife not to sign his body out of the hospital if/ when he dies... tried really hard to have an adult conversation... but he closed off the phone call leaving me speechless saying " i can't talk to you, you need to see a psychologist, I'm gonna hang up now because of how you are" clunk. 😞 wt#

I'm stumped, lost for words. what on earth did I say wrong??? He didn't hear anything I said, just barrelled over the top of me. Maybe he just wanted an argument. I am flattened & exhausted, and nothing was resolved.

I Sent mum a text about the fridge needing repair and she text back conspiracy theories about us trying to force them into nursing home"

Far out!

Normally I would just say its me and go punish myself, but though disturbed by everyone's lack of respect - I think its most definitely not all me in this instance.

Then, silly me, oblivious of the time tonight, I rang my son3 at 9:10pm for abplacid quick hello, how was ya w'end... But, i coped a lecture for the first 10min about phone etiquette - not ringing so late at night... Sheesh, he's never in bed this early.

I've been reeeeeealy lonely all weekend, and unwell, and just wanted to talk to someone. Especially after bro yelling down the phone at me.

I think maybe we are better of alone than these people around. How dare they. Wish I never picked up the phone. Does anyone realise how very isolating it is to be part of a highly dysfunctional family rife with MI. Its simply hopeless. Really makes me wanna crawel in a hole and die. What difference does anything make without love?

Why can't we all just get along?🌷🌿 .

[Adge]

I'm sitting with you @Former-Member
I've got no words, but am sending you virtual hugs...
Adge

[Adge]

I really do wish that we all could get along together, like you said @Former-Member

It's painful & upsetting when that doesn't seem to happen.

Adge

[soul]

Hope that you have had a better day @Former-Member. Thinking of you.

[utopia]

@Former-Member. I've been home from hospital for 10 days but still haven't unpacked. Still haven't moped the floors. I'm a big one for putting off what needs to be done. Still not sure if it's my personality or my MI.
So I understand how it can take all day to achieve what some people would say is very little.
One day at a time. One moment at a time.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Adge, @soul @utopia, appreciate your support. Today was much better thank you (no family rubbish) & had coffee with a friend. 💜