Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

[Judi9877]

Hi @BPDSurvivor and everyone here! 

**Potential Trigger Warning**

Thank you very much for sharing your BPD experience/moment with us on the forum @BPDSurvivor . You have made a lot of sense and one which I can relate to today in a way. If you don't mind, I'd like to share my moment of
today's experience please. Feel free to comment and add things to assist if anyone would like!

Today I was meant to go and look at rental properties (again!- it's a Saturday ritual right now for me and my housemate here in Melbourne) and I felt tired and stressed out. So tired that I didn't feel safe to drive yet was getting pressured by my housemate and then my twin sister who started to make comments about me getting too comfortable staying at her house (my car is broken down in her driveway and has been since Christmas so I'm living with her and using her car since I don't have enough money to fix it right now). 

BPD moments - what I did around 9am

- Got angry and yelled at both my housemate for making me drive when I wasn't safe

- yelled at my twin as she doesn't understand what it is like to rent

- threatened to self harm 

- felt my heart racing 

- felt full of hatred towards both my housemate and sister for making me drive as I do all the driving

- tried to go back to sleep and hide away

- thought bad thoughts about things 

What i didn't do-

- self harm

- isolate myself from either person

- apologise

- write things down until now

- think of how the other person would be thinking 

- let people know why I was really upset (bored and tired of doing this and it is affecting my uni studies which I'm doing full time despite needing housing)

This was all before my twin decided to drive to the inspections. Basically I'm pretty sure I messed up. I'm trying to realise and accept that housing is important but I'm get scared when my sister says stuff like I deserve to be homeless and that I don't have any friends because of my MH and that I'm not a nice person. End result is we looked at some properties and that was it. I came home and spent part of the day trying to sleep my day and emotions away - a common strategy for me - before picking my housemate up from shopping. My twin and I are okay now because she's at work so she has to behave. 

I didn't ask for MH and I hate that I have it but I'm stuck with it and at times, it's downright scary. I often don't like who I am and what I become with BPD at times  (a monster in my eyes) but I don't know what to do. I feel like no one understands these moments and I struggle to communicate them with people as it's hard. I've taken some images of photos off Facebook and stuff of weather and things to act as writing cues to describe how I feel at certain times so I can write about them in a descriptive way as such about emotions which I plan to get around to doing, like of storms and waves crashing and of images of beaches and other nature scenes and stuff. This is all to help me communicate my feelings and thoughts so I can maybe show a MH person when I connect again as to what goes on inside my head. Does that make any sense at all? 

Anyway, enough of me. Sorry it's so long and boring.  I'm safe and that's the main thing. Thanks for reading this forum friends.

Take care and stay safe.

Judi9877

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear @Judi9877 ,

Thank you for sharing your "BPD moment". I greatly appreciate it as I also have similar experiences.

I strongly believe part of recovery is about being able to debrief situations and consider alternative perspectives and actions - which you have done. Rather than playing the unhelpful "blame game", analysing situations from a neutral perspective is important. 

Throughout my recovery, I still continue to have these moments, but I can see I react differently now. The same intense feelings and emotions are present, but I have found I have 'toned down' on reacting in harmful ways. Once again, as much as I hate the 'BREATHE' strategy...I realise its importance and my amazing therapists' voices always ring 'BREATHE' when I feel overwhelmed. 

@Judi9877 , having stable accommodation is a NEED. I know specialist BPD clinics such as Spectrum ensure you have stable living arrangements before they allow you into their programs. This is because they realise that pwBPD cannot focus on recovery until they have stable accommodation. I am sharing this to show you that you have every right to feel pressured and stressed due to your housing circumstance. As you said, you did not choose to have BPD. The rental market is intense at the moment, and COVID hasn't helped.

@Judi9877 , although you didn't write about what happened straight away, it's totally okay. It's so good that you can use nature to help you articulate your emotions and experiences. Another great point is that you 'slept it off'. That's totally my tactic too. When the waves seem insurmountable, I curl up and 'sleep it off' - this is because I know that when I'm tired and stressed, problems magnify 100-fold.

Good on you @Judi9877  for not SHing and not isolating yourself. I'm so proud of you. To me, I can see you are not jumping into your 'old habits' or your comfort zone of hiding from the world and SHing. I know this takes effort. I totally feel it. It's hard, but the more you resist it, the better you get at it.

BPDSurvivor

Hello to all passing through: @BlueBay @Andrab @Judi9877 @WIP @Nells @Shaz51 @Aniela @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @Ellan @sanity41 @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84 @LouisianaM @Andrab @Theodora @Et68 @26aqua 

[26aqua]

Hey @BPDSurvivor 

I want to say thanks for reaching out to me the first time, I did a little reading and fact finding re BPD. It has been really helpful and a little eye opening. 

I've been able to reflect a little the last couple of days and it's helped put some things into perspective, I know I'm on the right path and guess I'm feeling less anxiety (possibly the medication helping) and like I've got more - better, to look forward to. I'm trying to refocus at times I feel things building, I had a day yesterday and managed to keep it somewhat down, without going into catastrophe! But, also realising it's really hard and persistent work. 

Thanks for taking the time, it is highly regarded. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @26aqua ,

 I'm happy you have joined us here. You sound like you are definitely on the right path. Remember, it's taken your lifetime have built your current habits and mindset. Hence it will take time to unlearn unhelpful habits and relearn more helpful habits. 

Expect setbacks along the way, but don't give up. I see these setbacks as proof that treatment/therapy is working. Without these setbacks, I'd never be able to use the skills I have been taught. Proficiency in a skill take practise. You don't begin 'highly accomplished' at a skill. The more you practise, the better you become. This is the same for BPD skills.

Im so proud of the progress you are making in such a short time. It seems like your determination will get you through.

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

Hello to all passing through: @BlueBay @Andrab @Judi9877 @WIP @Nells @Shaz51 @Aniela @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @Ellan @sanity41 @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84 @LouisianaM @Andrab @Theodora @Et68 @26aqua @Donna63 

[Judi9877]

Hi @BPDSurvivor @26aqua @WIP @BlueBay @Former-Member @Shaz51 @BPDrose and all those visiting. Just thought I'd check in and see how each of you are travelling on this wonderful journey that is BPD. 
@BPDSurvivor Thanks for the little messages/Images that you posted. They do make sense to me in all sorts of ways!

Just thought I'd do an update on my BPD situation. Things for me got hectic on Thursday night so I called uni to ask for advice regarding uni stuff and things going on in my life in general. They were able to put me into a link to the uni counseling service which I had an appointment the following day which proved to be very beneficial for me. Basically, the uni counsellor said the reasons for my stress was because I was putting uni and other things ahead of my self care and it was affecting my MH. She told me to do something each day for myself which I why I decided to knit myself a Wellness Blanket from a pattern from Spotlight focusing on knitted squares. I have written more about in the Knitting firum thread if you'd like to read more about it. The counsellor also suggested I get back into doing some pleasure reading and writing which I've neglected to do over the past few months. Definition- do things for me and remember that I'm my number 1 priority. Others can and will survive without me. I need to come first in my life or else I'm no good to anyone.

I also called my GP who I spoke to yesterday who has put in another new referral for PARCs as he seems to think I'm heading towards a depression cycle and need help with coping strategies instead of resorting to my usual negative coping strategy that  I did do on Thursday night which psych triage weren't interested in when I called them for help. I also learnt from psych triage that if I have schizophrenic symptoms, I can't go to PARCS yet I know I wouldn't be admitted to hospital because my local hospital network has something against BPD and won't admit me no matter how hard I try. Knowing that hospital group, they'd probably make me have a COVID-19 test even though it's psych related just to get their testing numbers up.

So that's it for me. Life is sort of becoming good although my twin seems to think I'm more angry and fly off the handle to quick about things in general lately. I don't think she fully understands that I have many issues to deal with and I'm constantly fighting with my head to try and keep rational and let things slide without reacting to them such as little issues that people wouldn't react to. The main thing is I'm reaching out for help and that's the main thing. 

Talk later. Keep staying strong and keep moving forward. You are each valuable and wonderful forumites☺️💐

Judi9877😎🌻

[26aqua]

Hey @Judi9877 

I'm glad you saw your uni counsellor and were able to work some things out, I find I feel more relieved when I've spoken to someone else. 

I'm currently riding a horrific rollercoaster - so many dips and rises, but I understand your frustrations with twin, I am currently over loaded with many feelings and feel like my s/o isn't being as helpful as he could. It is exhausting trying to keep calm, ride out the emotion and try to deal with it deeper - i think only those who go through it truly understand what level of effort it takes, to do what comes naturally to some others. 

Good on you for finding something that helps you find calm and peace, keep getting your knit on! 💙

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Judi9877 , thank you for your post. I am glad we can share our BPD journey with others, particularly seeing it is such a misunderstood illness.

PARCs were a godsend to me. I got so much out of every admission to the point that I can say I really don't need to go back there. I hope you'll also be able to access these services.

Another marked point in my recovery is tomorrow where I have my final session with my case manager as part of my area mental health service. After 3 years with them, I am now well enough to have my treatment overseen by my GP and a private psychologist. It will be sad to be discharged, but also a celebration at how far I've come. I wish other people with BPD could have the support I have had through the public system. The public system has been pivotal in my recovery - both through Spectrum and my area mental health team. It's been a 5 to 6 year journey, but every moment has been worth while.

@Judi9877 , it's good to see you utilise the support services at uni. These 'free' services are actually part of your paid uni fees, so you may as well use them. It's very true what they said to you about self-care. It is of utmost importance.

@26aqua , I'm sorry to hear things are tough. BPD is a slow moving MI. It takes years to come to the point you are currently in, and will also take time to unlearn unhelpful habits. I find people around me have no idea how to support me. I guess it is something that needs to be articulated beforehand? eg, when I am highly emotional, please give me quiet time by myself.

@26aqua , see if you can try the defusion technique to help you find space between you and your emotions. What works for one may not work for another, so it's trial and error. Mindful breathing helps me. I used to hate it, but having understood the science behind it, I am much more willing to persist with it.

Hi to everyone! How's your BPD journey going? I invite you to share as you feel able.

@BlueBay @Andrab @Judi9877 @WIP @Nells @Shaz51 @Aniela @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @Ellan @sanity41 @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84 @LouisianaM @Andrab @Theodora @Et68 @26aqua 

BPDSurvivor

[Judi9877]

Hi @BPDSurvivor . I'm just popping in to say a huge thank you to all of your responses and wonderful advice that you have chosen to give to me. You are a wonderful person with so much knowledge in the area of BPD and it is a great pleasure knowing you. I'd like you to know that I value your advice and yiyr experiences very much.

Judi9877☺️💐🍀

[26aqua]

Thanks @BPDSurvivor I'm trying to learn more about myself (triggers, feelings - why) so I can identify the kind of support I need or what may be more helpful 😕

@BPDSurvivor what is the defusion technique?

Feeling like I'm in a bit of weird cloud at the moment, energised but sad, content but confused.... 

Finding solace in listening to Powderfinger's Fingerprints & Footprints collection!! Late start at work tomorrow so a sleep in is in order!!