Lived Experience Forum

[tyme]

I agree @Judi9877 !

I love the idea of beauty and the beast. It’s so true.

And yes @BlueBay , you have amazing qualities that people can only dream of.

Thank you @Judi9877 for sharing your perspective too.

Im sitting with you @BlueBay ,

tyme

[yoyoyomomomo]

Hi everyone,

Super new here and so glad to have found this thread. 🙂 

I was diagnosed with major depression and GAD as a teen, had tons of suicidal ideation and self-harm la di da... After the recovery of that when I was about 16 years old, every once in a while I'd flip out and have random bouts of intense sadness and depression. Stress always led to self-harm and what I finally know as dissociative symptoms. I went to a university psychiatrist for a 45 minute appointment when I read about BPD when I was 22 years old, but a part of me freaked out or maybe I just wasn't very aware of what the symptoms actually meant and how they could look different. 

5 years later I'm 27 and tried to get an ADHD diagnosis only to be told at the end of the 2 and a half hour diagnostic session that I have BPD instead!! It is so strange and surreal, and I never saw how each of the nine traits affects me but how it can look so different from the examples that are sometimes given. 

I'm 2 days out from that verbal confirmation from the psychiatrist and she's writing a report to my GP. I always had a crappy memory, especially around moments of stress. Right now as I'm typing this, I'm even questioning my memory of what she said and maybe I remembered it wrong... but I DO remember her answering my question 'so you don't think I have ADHD?' and her saying 'no, my primary diagnosis of you is that you have BPD' and that before this she had mentioned changing my medications to a mood stabilizer and starting DBT for me... 

I'm so glad that I found this page as I'm sitting in my car freaking out and feeling like I'm not real and that I want to disappear from this world. A part of me is terrified that I don't have BPD and that I'm going to be turned away from this thread for ranting... I know that no one is obliged to read this though so that makes me feel better. 

I hope everyone has a good day 🙂 

[tyme]

Good Evening @yoyoyomomomo ,

Your experiences are so valid and you are most welcome here.

When I was diagnosed with BPD, I struggled to find support 'out there'. Everything I read told me how 'bad' it was and told me all the difficulties people with BPD have. I didn't need to know this as I knew my difficulties already.

It was here on the forums that I felt I could share my BPD experiences with people who could understand and give me hope to continue. Also, I was respected for my strengths as a person with BPD.

Although chronic suicidal ideation lingers, I can manage very successfully in society. I know BPD symptoms don't 'disappear', but at least I can function in life and feel content and satisfied (more than satisfied).

The BPD diagnosis may be scary at first, but I have found the BPD journey to be incredibly amazing. I wouldn't exchange it for anything!

Hugs, 

tyme

[yoyoyomomomo]

Thanks tyme, 

I'm so glad to read your response. I was a little afraid when I saw an email notification last night from here. I had a really great time reading through other forum members' responses to this thread and how they've found ways to cope and all.

I am definitely excited to just have a different diagnosis, I just want to be better and not feel guilty for being angry and stuff... 

I look forward to the day where I too can constantly feel satisfied 🙂 

[tyme]

Sounds great @yoyoyomomomo ,

It was weird for me to get a diagnosis at first, but then it was a relief because it explained so many of my seemingly 'irrational' behaviours - SH, rage, emotional instability.

Once I could name these behaviours, I could then work with my treating team to help 're-train' my brain. It was a long process, but an amazing journey.

Even today, when I look back at where I started, I'm shocked to see how much my brain has changed. Sounds weird, but it's so true. 

All those unhelpful behaviours seem to have switched course.

All the best @yoyoyomomomo .

Let me know if you have any BPD-related questions and I hope I'll be able to share my experiences with you.

tyme

[Ferylgirl]

I was first diagnosed with Borderline PD when I was about 28, Well I was told I had Borderline Personality Disorder and what I heard was that I was on the borderline of having a personality disorder. I had tons of stresses happening at the time. Disabled kids that needed my full focus and the best of me and anything about me was just so far down the list it hardly registered.

About 12 years later I read an interesting article that I related to about BPD. Yep. The penny finally dropped. I booked an appointment with a psychologist that day and said. I think I need some specialised help of some sort because I think I have borderline personality disorder. I recited the story as above and they said. Yep let's get that appointment sorted. 

I had been to counsellors throughout the years and continue to see counsellors, psychologists, and psychiatrists as needed, but that penny dropping moment changed things, I wasn't just 'weird' or 'broken' or 'wrong' or any other word I used about myself there was a name for what was wrong with me and it was recognised and there was specific therapies and treatments for me. 

Now after many years of counselling I am weird, repairing, and right!! I love my weird. 

I also have C-PTSD which of course made the whole healing journey even more challenging, having experienced a wide range of traumatic experiences left me very worn down and tired, depressed and anxious, loaded with rage that had no outlet, bucketloads of grief and sadness, along with next to no self worth and being solely responsible for three kids who needed me to lead the way and be there for them. 

There were many times I made an appointment for me, counselling, or for a haircut, or gp whatever and had to cancel or postpone because I had to take one or more of the kids to an appoinment that was important to them. I am not complaining, just stating how it was. 

Now the kids are all living independently and I can focus on me and my needs, well most of the time, I still have to advocate for one or the other and get stuff sorted for them but mostly I am not involved in the day to day of their life. 

I have managed, along with my third husband to maintain a marriage that is easier to count in years than months. 8 years now and ongoing!

Life today has its own challenges, but with antidepressant medication, anxiety medication, a big box of tools I have gained over the decades, and learning to accept my faults and failings as a part of this complex organic machine that is me I know life's joys, and happiness, the kindness, caring and love. 

Most of all I know HOPE!

[HenryX]

Hello @Ferylgirl 

I really enjoyed reading your synopsis of life experience for you. Clear and concise as well as being self-aware without apparent self-consciousness.

Welcome to the forum. I have just returned after a break of a few weeks. Some of what you have written matches issues and events in my life so, to that extent, there seems to be some connections. I will look forward to future discussions and the possibility of exchanging ideas here on the forum.

At the moment I am catching up with correspondence so. for now I will extend to you

My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX 

[Clawde]

We all miss you our friend @HenryX bigg Time 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

[Clawde]

We are miss you big time Henry 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

[Clawde]

We are miss you big time you our Henry miss you heaps, not the same with out out you Pumkin 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍