Hello @Judi9877
Previously, I have mentioned the apparent similarity between your relationship with your sister and mine with my brother.
You are aware of your own inputs, in terms of studies, what you offer to others through your work and interactions here and elsewhere. You also appear to appreciate what you receive, in return, through various sources and in various ways. And I definitely understand the ideas you have expressed when you stated that,
“I like to believe that my volunteer work is good for me as it gives me a sense of purpose and I know it could help me with my uni studies in the form of gaining valuable experience in mental health”.
I believe that I could never convey to my brother, in any way that he could understand, appreciate or value, what I offer and what I receive, in life. Your reference to "living in 2 different universes" seems peculiarly apt, in your situation with your sister, as it is between my brother and me. The differences in capacity to perceive each other's world, in both our situations, seems to be un-bridgeable. In my case, despite attempts on my part to be civil and courteous, the response has been arrogant, rude, dismissive and blunt. While my brother can be courteous, polite and engaging with some people, as he chooses, the negative mannerisms andpresentations are also, at times, apparent to certain others.
I understand that the relationship between sisters is driven by slightly different dynamics than the relationship between brothers. However, I believe that the dynamics are in relation to the methods of bridging, going through, round, under or over the barriers. Those barriers can be so significant, in any case, as to be insurmountable and the differences can possibly be irreconcilable. I believe that this is so between my brother and me. We simply have such differing perspectives, on the issues that we have considered in the past, that they are unlikely to change in the future. His attitude toward me is also a product of how he views me as a person, which carries over from the relationship dynamics in our family during childhood and early adulthood. Needless to say, on the basis of past experience, any hope of reaching agreements in the future is limited. Since I am past 70, I have had a lifetime of attempts behind me. And I could easily put myself into a position of hurting myself if I tried to push my position further, or alternatively, concede and adopt and align myself with the positions held by my brother. That would certainly be to my detriment, as it would involve some degree of subservience and I would certainly not, in such a situation, be able to remain true to myself.
It seems to me that you are attempting to convince your sister of things that have certain meanings for you, but have different meanings for her. My concern is, that you may, unfortunately, be
“beating your head against a brick wall”.
You may be attributing the issues of concern to yourself and to your BPD, and adopting the position of being responsible for the differences, when it may not be so much to do with you, but to do with your sister's perspectives, points of view and beliefs. The apparent lack of co-ordination and coincidence between your sister's concepts and yours, don't have to be attributed to you. You have put a lot of work into the communication in the relationship, as has been apparent from the information and details that you have posted on the forum. Maybe, therefore, the responsibility does not rest with you, but elsewhere.
My concern, as it may also be for others, is that you may hurt yourself, by trying to stretch yourself too far in this interaction, to your own detriment and in various ways.
In my case, I have decided to live my own life on my terms. Unfortunately, that does mean that there is limited interaction between my brother and me. But that is better than attempts to change each other's points of view, perspectives and beliefs to a point where unpleasantness leads to outcomes that could then lead to no contact at all. Since I have a good relationship with his children, it would be I who would lose more in such a situation. Consequently, less contact is better than no contact at all.
@Judi9877 , I had not meant this note to be quite so long, however, I hope that it provides another perspective from a similar position and situation and that it may be helpful.
With My Very Best Wishes
@HenryX
