Hi @BlueBay , @BPDSurvivor , @Judi9877 , @Shaz51 , @Emelia8
{Moderately long post of ~1160 words}
An Expression of Appreciation, Mutual and Nurturing Support
Thank you so much @BlueBay for considering and responding to my earlier post from yesterday.
From what you have written, it certainly appears to me that you have clearly understood the thoughts and observations that I offered in that post. Your previous very detailed response and clarity of presentation, to another of my posts and this one, is demonstration of the fact that, in my opinion, you are definitely
not “.....stupid, dumb, don't understand anything, …..”
though I can understand the reasons for the existence of such opinions of self, and the anxiety and fear associated with being:
“too scared to ask others to repeat what they say; or too scared to ask 'what do you mean'.”
For fear, as a possible consequence of asking such questions or making requests for clarification, of being shown up, thereby, with a 'definite' reason for, and confirmation of our own negative self-assessment and, by extension, confirmation that others would hold the same negative opinions of us.
Or for any other request for qualification or clarification, by us, of what another person has written or said, as further reason to then continue to berate and castigate ourselves, unfairly, undeservedly and inappropriately, for “being so weak and stupid.”
These concerns, fears, anxieties and self criticisms are often the result of conditioning, moulding and grooming that we experienced as children and even into adulthood. They are often, I believe, a product of the process by which someone, or others, either deliberately or unconsciously, kept us enmeshed and controllable, by means of creating in us self-doubt, almost constant self-criticism, disbelief in our own skills and any or all other positive attributes. These actions and their consequences can have severely limiting impacts on various areas of development in our lives.
We may even have been the one avenue through which the perpetrator could exert, what they may have perceived or known as their otherwise limited power and control. Such actions may also be attributed to another who also holds significant negative self-opinions. But that is really about another, or others, and I would prefer to focus on what I can account for and hopefully change - that is Me and My circumstance from here into the future. I am also making the distinction here between the actions of a person which we may have an intense dislike(a) for, and the person, whom we may view quite differently, possibly even love. The differences here can be difficult to accommodate in our psyche and can indeed, generate and support much internal conflict and seemingly contradictory behaviours by and for us.
(a) {I generally do not use the H... word}
The very methods, initially used by others, and that were imposed on us, became the cage into which we have locked ourselves, by internally adopting those expressions, responses and reactions, that were previously imposed on us, or elicited from us by another, or others. As a result, we now believe that everyone else views us through the same lens, according to which we were initially conditioned to view ourselves, and in the same manner and according to which principles we often continue to act and conform. We may be said to have now adopted that lens as our own. It takes considerable application, effort and sometimes distress, to divest ourselves of that lens and all its associated meanings and permutations, and to rebuild a new positive self-image for and within ourselves.
In your response, you offered significant details of your experiences in childhood, many of which continued into adulthood. It may sound trite or cliched to say, about the response that you have given, that I can see significant correlations between your life experiences and my own. Though, it is indeed because of such correlations and similarities, and therefore not surprising, that we are both members of this forum. Those reasons are similar for you, me and others. We may each be here in the hope of communicating with others in a way that provides us with mutual and reciprocal support, sharing of ideas and hopefully, shared assistance in developing and formulating a process, path or map by which we can improve our lives.
I lived in a family where my father was a career serviceman in the army. Unfortunately, his work did not “stay at the office”. His demeanour towards my mother and me often seemed similar to the way that military personnel were and are treated. My only younger brother, like yours, @BlueBay was treated without the discipline and rigour that my mother and I experienced, and to which we were subjected. I was in my late 40's, before I eventually said that I had had enough. I did not see or speak with my father from that time until about a year prior to his death. I did not want him to die without, at least, an attempt on my part to resume connection.
In many ways, there were similarities between my mother's situation and mine, where, because of isolation, the style of treatment, and our own attempts to otherwise maintain conformity with the social rules and mores of the day, we both stayed in that environment for far longer than 'we should have'. The situation of DV and a person, the victim, excusing the behaviour of another, and remaining in, what is really a dangerous and malevolent environment, comes to mind. This, despite what to others would have been red-flagged as of serious concern. However, when we know no other situation, these experiences become “normalised” and all that we know and understand, and paradoxically, to which we often remain attached.
Your distress at recalling your past and even more recent experiences is very understandable. I have, in the “Need to vent” thread, written a piece touching on the reasons for the style I use in my posts. In that post, I also make observation about the place of process, in dealing, in a positively aggressive and confrontational way, with the foundational reasons for many of the stressors or strains in our lives. Also, the subsequent externalising of useful expressions of emotions and feelings associated with the acknowledgement of the conditions that, in many cases, have contributed to where we "are coming from, where we are at in the present, and our intended future direction". There is the issue of grief expressed with regard to those previous experiences and also with regard to possibly lost opportunities. These expressions of distress and release can be positive and cathartic eg. crying, concentrated physical activity, etc.
@BlueBay Your response, though it may have seemed like a simple and uncomplicated statement of conditions, behaviour, experiences, thoughts and feelings by you, has been received and viewed by me as a significant, self-aware and insightful statement of self-expression by you.
@BlueBay Thank you so much for the care to respond and the openness with which you have responded.
With My Very Best Wishes
@HenryX
