My story. Very hard to write about

[Warrior1]

I find this really hard to write and talk about so im sorry if i start to rattle on. 

I was sexually abused as a child from the age of 6. I hated it but by the time i had finished high school i had accepted that i was just a child and that it wasnt my fault. I started my 1st job and my life was good. 

One day when i was at work i was working in a back room. A man known to me came in and locked the door. He sexually assaulted me. I was so scared and ashamed i didnt tell anyone. I coninued to work at that place for about 6 months seeing him and reliving it until i couldnt do it anymore. I feel like it must be something about me that made those 2 men think that i wanted it. I dont know what but for it to happen twice it must be something. I have been diagnosed with PTSD depression anxiety and panic attacks. I am on 2 different anti depressants which helps with my mood but i cant seem to shake the guilt. 

The only thing keeping me going is my 2 beautiful daughters (5 and 9) that i dont think im good enough to be their mum. They deserve better. 

[melq83]

hi @Warrior1 ...

im sorry to hear about what you have been through. 

Please know that you are not alone! i can relate to being abused twice also, mine though were 7 and between 9-11 for a long period of time. 

I did not even remember one of the abuses until i had something very confronting happen a few months ago.when this happened i lost most of my friends and family which is very hard considering i was always surrounded by many friends and family members.now its just me, my partner, my mum and a hand full of friends. i'm now starting to remember things through dreams and nightmares from when i was a child, i have to ask my mum often if what i remember is true or not. Sadly most of it seems to be true.

I have 4 kids age between 7-17 and they are the reason i get up each day. 

Some days are harder than others, but always remember you are not alone... even though it may feel that way alot, there are many people on here that would be happy to chat to you at any time! 

Mel 

[Warrior1]

Hi @melq83

Thank you for the reply. 

Im sorry about what you havebeen through. 

I definitely feel alone. But like you my kids are my reason for getting up each day. 

I have to see one of my abusers every christmas as it was a family member and none of my other family members know except my mum who doesnt want to cause any trouble as either do i. So seeing him and acting ok is so hard. But reliving it almost daily with flashbacks and nightmares is so hard. I see a psychologist fortnightly. She is great and has given me strategists to deal with the PTSD. I do find it hard to put into practice but i try.

[melq83]

@Warrior1it would be very hard to see them at christmas. 

You are very strong to be able to go through that. 

Everyone is different, and everyone has a story to tell. I have realised with my experience that not coming forward and speaking up didnt help me, by my family not dealing with it led me to where i am today and if they had their time over i'm sure they would have acted differently.

As much as people dont want to "rock the boat" so to speak what if this person has done or is doing the same thing to someone else? 

I can tell u from my experience that since i have decided to speak openly about what i have been through it seems to help me in some ways, it like a weight has been lifted off me. but once again, everyone is different. i hope this doesnt upset u in any way, just sharing my experience with you is all. 

Mel 

[Warrior1]

@melq83 i understand what you are saying. I have considered my options about reporting and or saying something to my family and i cant. I just cant. Im not strong!

All i can do is try to survive and get on with my life. And try to be the mum that my kids deserve. 

I think about weather they are doing it to someone else everyday! It is a guilt that i dont think will ever leave me. 

Christmas is so hard. I start to suffer in the lead up. Starting around september i have a very hard time all the way up til couple months after. 

I just try to focus on my kids and making there christmas an enjoyable time x

[melq83]

@Warrior1thats one of the hard things to deal with .. guilt! but truth be told its not us that should feel it, even though we do.We have a program near where i live that im hoping to start at the end of the month. its an 18 week program thats very intense by what im told, its for woman who have been through the same as us when they were kids.have you ever though about doing something like the program? not everyone is able to go through with it but im willing to try if it will help! 

[Warrior1]

@melq83 i dont know. What is the program called? I might consider doing something like that. Maybe....

[melq83]

@Warrior1i think its called "taking first steps" but ill find out and come back to u in the next few days!! 

i hope u have a nice weekend @Warrior1 do u have any plans? 

There is a feed on here tonight where people drop in and say hi.. its called the friday night feast, if u are interested i can tag u in it? 

[Warrior1]

Thank you @melq83 that would be good if you could tag me. 

Thank you for the chat xx