Let`s talk about Bipolar

[MermaidHair]

These are all great questions for your doctor @KirSa_EnigmA, you are so onto it! I had very similar concerns and questions myself. I can't respond specific to medication types or dosages but what I can tell you is often it's a bit of trial and error, it can take time to find the right medications/ dosage and then adjust to them once you do. 

Discussing side effects and pros and cons with your doctor will help, they should be able to find the right balance of what's most tolerable and helpful. I had to try a few different medications before I found one that didn't have deal breaker side effects, and then my doctor worked with me to also manage the tolerable side effects (brain fog, weight gain, tiredness), so you are definitely on the right track with your lines of questioning.

You don't need to tell anyone you have bipolar, or you can tell anyone if you want to. It's your personal medical business so how you manage it is up to you. I tell people here at Sane, a few close friends and family members and sometimes others if they are having mental health difficulties I may use my story to relate and offer hope.

It shouldn't affect your drivers licence aside from you may need your doctor to sign off that you are fit to drive. It can restrict some careers like the police force or military, there are all types of people with bipolar though, doctors, lawyers, teachers etc. It doesn't restrict you from working with vulnerable people. I work with children and people with complex mental health (volunteer).

As far as care of your kids, I raise my 3 solo and I'm not going to tell you it's easy but I think my recovery journey has actually made me a better parent!

Good luck at your appointment today 😊

[KirSa_EnigmA]

@Appleblossom

Thank you 🙂

The appointment went well but there were questions I was not prepared for about the timing/length/duration etc of my experiences. Delusions and hallucinations etc. I said I don't know! (How the heck am I supposed to know if I'm deluded or not?)

I do have ideas that mean I don't fit in well with the rest of the population. But I think everyone else is nuts, not me!

She's given me options for other meds that don't cause so many sides so hopefully they will be more helpful.

I feel kinda bad saying no to the first meds, but heck... it's my life, so screw it. They mess me up so it's not an improvement. I'd rather stay this way than be a zombie.

And quite frankly, having heightened experiences kinda defines me. I wouldn't feel like myself without them.

Does that make any sense to anyone here?

[KirSa_EnigmA]

@MermaidHair

Thank you for your help again 🙂

The appointment went well. I've replied a bit in the previous comment.

I was super nervous going in, and she was speaking about a million miles an hour but I kept pace. I'd sent her the notes I wrote and it seemed like she'd already made up her mind about a fair bit of stuff before I even got there so that was convenient, to some degree. But I did have to stop her a few times to provide some context.

The conclusion is that I've been prescribed an atypical antipsychotic that is supposed to have fewer sides and not make me sleepy all the time... so I can continue to function like a human and not a sloth like I felt on the other stuff.

She's also suggested to the gp that I find a regular psychologist (she's a psychiatrist) so they can get to know my personality more thoroughly. Also so I can dig a bit deeper into the causes, triggers, and signs that things aren't going well. Then set up strategies to get a bit more balance going on (sleep schedule, etc).

So, for the most part I'm happy.

Will see what the report says though. Always interesting to see how someone else sees you. The "I feel God-like" stuff will be fun!

Cheers,

~ K

[MermaidHair]

Awesome @KirSa_EnigmA , I'm glad it went well! Thanks for the update 😊

You're not alone at all in your feelings of not wanting to feel like a zombie or blunted, these are totally valid and common concerns. It can be hard to find a balance. When you're used to functioning somewhat highly, slowing things down can feel very dull and boring! Hopefully the new medication is better in this regard. 

You've done so well to educate yourself and start getting on top of things. I really appreciate you sharing and more than happy to help where I can. 

[KirSa_EnigmA]

@MermaidHair better late than never I guess! 🤣

[Dimity]

@Captain24 I hope you find respite and relief during your admission. And much kindness. Take care.

[KirSa_EnigmA]

One of the challenges I've been facing is that whenever I talk to a professional bout my situation the focus is usually very narrow.  ie, within the context of BD only. 

However, after investigating my life (and writing down a whole bunch of 'experiences' I have pretty regularly), it seems pretty likely that I fit more than one category here. 

Now, I've known about my AUD for over 20 years. Before this whole BD thing, everything was because of that. 

Now there's a BD diagnosis, everything is because of THAT. 

But, there's stuff that doesn't fit that either... 

So, I've been the target of parental alienation for the past 10 or so years... court, legal, financial, emotional stress, etc.  And it continues... I wake at night in tears.  I have nightmares.  I am distant/disconnected sometimes, and can cry or become highly irritable at, what would be for most people, inconsequential events. I'm paranoid and skeptical about people's motives, especially in relationships.  I don't trust people at all.  

In short, I've been burned, more than once. 

So after investigating THIS set of circumstances and behaviours, I seem to fit the description for someone suffering from complex emotional trauma.  I'm trapped (as are my kids) in an abusive relationship with their mother. 

Pretty frequently though (and I might be imagining this) I think people judge me as the problem.  I mean, a substance abuse problem and bipolar, it's obviously me, right?  It would seem to be a pretty easy conclusion to reach. 

But I tell you, there's more there than meets the eye and I've tried for so long to have people see that I'm not the problem here.  I'm just an easy target!  Every legal dispute has been ruled in my favour with the kids receiving more access time with me, dispite her attempts to block them.  

But, I'm out of energy and money.  I'm done and can't go on fighting this.  

Anyway... I find it's all a bit too much.  I'm a label or a name... to be dealth with in 15 minutes (GP) or an hour (counsellor/psych), or at $400 per letter from a solicitor. People really don't give much of a sh!t except getting paid. 

(They should get paid, not saying they shouldn't.  But I really just feel like they treat only what's right in front of them, not the person, me!)

I've been recording notes on the sessions myself so I can piece together the bigger picture/context that's a combination of each of these perspectives, and cross compare it to my own.  Now, I get you're probably not supposed to 'self diagnose' but hey, maybe it's not a bad idea since I'M the one with the most information here, right? 

In conclusion: I think I have CPTSD symptoms too. 

Maybe I'm not just an addict with mood swings and a short fuse.  There's actual good reasons I behave this way. 😕  

made myself sad haha!  /sigh

Thanks for listening.

[Dimity]

Hello @KirSa_EnigmA I held off answering but you deserve a sympathetic hearing and response. 

In my experience it's not always safe to discuss C-PTSD in the context of complex mental health. I've observed and experienced stonewalling, stigmatisation,  devaluing and open hostility. Yet there seems a great deal of evidence that many mh issues are associated with or likely arise from early trauma, abuse and neglect. 

Stay with your self-awareness, it's not always easy to come by as repression and dissociation can be part of the picture. Stay strong. 

[KirSa_EnigmA]

Thanks for taking the time to reply @Dimity. I was starting to feel like I'd killed the conversation in here!

Can I ask, why do you think it's unsafe to discuss CPTSD? Why do I feel like a pariah; isolated, judged, and abandoned when I discuss this experience? 

People like to talk a big game in the MH arena, but I'm finding it very rare to find anyone who actually gives a shit, let alone has any workable solutions. 

Colour me jaded... But I get the feeling lately that it's all just one big codependent jerk fest. 

I apologise for my negative tone, but I honestly feel so frustrated. 

~K

[Dimity]

@KirSa_EnigmA I feel it's unsafe for the reasons you listed and more. But we exist, and deserve a hearing. Not that that means much post-referendum.

Happy to support you but maybe the topic needs its own thread.