Lived Experience Forum

[Olga]

I would also like to try to live without meds and it looks like those of us who do,  work very hard to make a go of it (sleep hygiene, mood diary etc). I would be prepared to put the work in but my husband would probably leave me if I came off the meds. Also my psychiatrist believes that all my 3 meds are necessary. Without support I don't think I can do it but maybe in the future I may have the opportunity to stop some of them. I am currently struggling with a thyroid problem induced by one bipolar medication. Thats the problem that they are just not good for the body, only for the mind...

[Meowmy]

@Olga @Shaz51 @HenryX @Mazarita @Dimity good morning,I hope you all have some good in the day, love,care and kindness. Take care

[frog]

Hi @Shaz51 

Working is really hard. I have to work 33 hours to make ends meet, and it's too much. It's not well paid, so idk what else I can do. SIngle parent etc. I take more time off sick than I'd like (or my employer would like). I used to push and push and push then crash. I'm better at managing now with a few days here and there to take the pressure down.I am relatively lucky that my bosses have been quite good, and flexible.

@Always-hope , @Meowmy , @greenpea , @Olga , @HenryX , @eth 

[frog]

Hi @Olga the meds issue is fraught.

I have a parathyroid issue, and it's not clear if my bp medication is related or not but I suspect so.

I wish it was otherwise, but I think I would make my own and my family's lives more difficult without them.

[frog]

Hi everyone here.

From my reading bipolar, schizophrenia and autism are the mental health conditions with the strongest genetic components. I think that there is a long way to go in understanding how it works - we really don't know a great deal about inner space!

Let me preface my next comment with a plea - no vaccination debates here thanks!

I recently found out that people with bipolar or schizophrenia are in the 1b group for the COVID19 vaccine i.e. now! I am getting mine on Friday. Individual decision of course, just fyi.

@Olga @Shaz51 @HenryX @Mazarita @Dimity @Meowmy 

[Meowmy]

@frog have a good day, sweetie

[bipolarbunny]

Hey everyone, 

New to the forums and just touching base. Thanks to @Shaz51 for tagging me. 
I can relate to the suicidal ideation. I have bipolar & c-ptsd. For me it's mainly passive, but it's intrusive and disturbing nonetheless. Mostly it occurs during mixed episodes which I seem to have more than just pure mania and/or pure depression. My mixed states are always dysphoric and I am often anhedonic & anxious and then there's the seething rage. I rapid cycle so I'm rarely completely stable. But we are working on it and the meds I'm on have helped a lot.

I recently experienced 11 whole days of being balanced and happy, it was wonderful, but unfortunately the crash at the other end was a hard one. I think perhaps the crash from stability is harder for me than the constant "seven moods a minute" I generally live with. 
I told my Tdoc one session, struggle is my comfort zone. It sucks but it's familiar. I know every single nuance of my illness when it hits, but when I'm balanced and happy that is weird for me. That's unfamiliar territory and I guess I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I try to hang onto those fleeting moments throughout the day where I'm given glimpses of being content. Exercise helps a lot, but I'm mindful I don't overdo it cause that's a trigger too. Mostly I love to write poetry. It's the voice I've never been allowed to have and as my Tdoc put it the other day, it has a lot to say, lol. I am very thankful after all these years to have found a great Tdoc, Pdoc & GP. It has truly made a world of difference.

Hope you are all having a good day. 
BB 🐰❤️

[bipolarbunny]

Hi @Mazarita,
I believe my father was bipolar. His mood swings, chronic depression and suicide attempt all point to it even though he wasn’t officially diagnosed. So I definitely believe his genes played a part in my own mental illness. There’s been a great deal of childhood trauma as well so environmental factors are also a huge part in regards to triggers etc. It’s a complicated situation. There’s also mental illness on my mothers side, but she has NPD so she’ll never admit anything’s wrong.

Interesting thoughts about the depression underlying everything. I’m mostly mixed so for me depression is like putting my socks on, it’s always there. I often jump from depression to mixed and back to depression.

Great news on the recovery. I’m kind of in a similar position in that I’m just starting to piece everything together again the last 12 months. I also just got accepted on NDIS which is essentially a game changer for me.

Good luck with everything.

BB 🐰❤️

[Mazarita]

Hi @HenryX 

Interesting that there may be some bipolar aspects to your experience of depression.

Sad to read what happened with your father in childhood. From what I observed of my dad, he seemed to struggle most of the time with severe anxiety and depression and was mostly unable to hold down jobs, then felt worse than ever about himself every time he failed in this (like me). When in social situations he was the life of the party, musical, and loved by many people. During some of the good times with him, he was playful, fun, creative and intelligent. He was also an alcoholic and became violent many times on the booze.

With the feelings you described about death, I relate to your sense of not wanting to suicide because of the impact on family. In my later years I have embraced the idea that in a big way I am living for those I love. In that way they help us, and in many other ways too. Love is the best thing about life for me.

Medications: if you do think you may have bipolar rather than straight depression, it could be in your interest to explore that. With bipolar, being on anti-depressants without a mood stabiliser can excacerbate the condition badly. I believe my largest 5-year mania began and was maintained by taking anti-depressants alone, without a mood stabiliser.

Well wishes to you and look forward to more of your interesting posts.

[bipolarbunny]

I don't work @Shaz51 

I worked prior to my diagnosis in 2006 and I'm pretty sure I completed a University degree completely manic/mixed, but it was always very difficult. When I was first diagnosed it gutted me. I had a mental breakdown but wasn't hospitalised. I just suffered in silenced with shame and guilt. I lost all my friends, made the mistake of thinking my family would support me but got no support or even acknowledgment of my illness, even though I've been there for them every day of my life. 
I tried working again, but I really struggled. The stress and anxiety was excruciating. I've tried on meds and I went off them for 6 years, but circumstances brought me as close as I've come to ending it at the start of last year. My family is a driving nerve in my misery. I am 52 and been single all my life, I have serious trust issues with people and just don't mix socially with anyone. So working now is out of the question. It's ironic because I used to be a police officer, but now I cannot handle confrontation of any kind. So work is out of the question, so are relationships and even friendships. Since Aug last year I've been seeing a Tdoc again and we have covered a lot and he has helped me enormously but there's still a very long way to go. I'm starting to get out a bit now. I go the the pool and gym a few times a week. But I still don't mix with people. I'd like to eventually get a part time job, but that's a very distant goal. Since I've started back on meds, I will never go off them again. I can't take antidepressants at all cause they spike me immediately into mania. But anti psychs are working for me and I feel much more in control and able to handle any hiccups. My Tdoc has been a lifeline for me. Honestly been the difference between lying in bed all day watching TV and actually getting outside, exercising and starting to rebuild the broken parts of me. I know everyone is different, but for me the combination of meds and weekly therapy has been my salvation. 

Any one who has not been on meds and is worried. I hear you, I resisted meds for so very long out of fear, but all that did was prolong my misery and halt my progress of recovery. Yeah the side effects suck, but I personally have found if you are relatively strict with your diet and you exercise regularly a lot of those side effects can be mitigated. You don't have to turn into a health nut, just watch the junk food and go for a walk each day. If something doesn't work, try something new. You are in the driving seat. If your doc is not willing to listen to you, get another doc. Been there done that multiple times! Bipolar is hard freaking work every single day. There are no days off, it's exhausting and you always have to be on your guard, but the effort is worth it. At 36-50, I thought my life was a waste, at 51 I thought my life was over and very nearly ended it, at 52, I feel like I'm starting a new life, a new chapter. That's how quickly things can change for the better. So don't give up. Keep fighting. It's worth it, YOU are worth it!!! We all are!! 

BB🐰❤️