Let's talk DID and dissociation

[MySunrise]

Hi Albert2, I see in complete pictures as well. I have DID. I have alters/parts who speak to me internally, others in dreams, others in pictures. I have found that the ones who speak in pictures can also express themselves through art and this helps them feel acknowledged and helps the rest of us see what they see. I wonder if your alters have tried art? I’m sorry about the suicidality. It’s so hard isn’t it. Finding people who understand and/or experience DID or DDNOS has helped me not feel so alone. I hope you can find hope too.

[Albert2]

Hi @Former-Member @Thanks for the suggestion, I have now spent some with one of the support workers, she was great and helped a lot.

 Hi @MySunrise 

Thanks for replying, that’s really interesting, I am in my early sixties and most of my alters are similar age and like me not arty at all! However Jane is in early twenties and is a bright bubbly alter, nothing like me at all, she maybe interested in expressing herself in art, I will suggest it.

Hearing from other DID people is great too, thanks for sharing, yes feeling alone is not fun.

[destructive]

Hi @Albert2  you tagging me sent me an email, I'd kind of forgotten about this place so haven't been a while. Funny timing, just waiting for therapy appointment and needing to stop because can't afford it in new year when my Medicare threshold resets. 

Im not sure if it's the same but I see pictures. Sometimes still sometimes like reels. I hadn't thought of it as their thoughts before but maybe could be. Therapist has said they're memories but not sure. They can be distressing and confusing. 

I get the cycle too. It's hard. Sometimes life feels like a cruel joke 😞 hope you're well 

Hi @MySunrise 

[Albert2]

Hi @destructive oh yes I hadn’t remembered Medicare resetting, I have one more session before then.

I don’t literally see pictures, it’s hard to explain. When I hear an alter it is a flow of words and sentences, one after the other, when I “see” the thoughts of an alter, it is all at once, their thoughts and what they want, like being in their head like they are in mine. Don’t know if that makes any sense? The very first time it happened it scared the shit out of me, there was literally someone in my head.

If you are seeing pictures or “movies” it may be alter thoughts or memory fragments or ? Dreams can be scary too, are they alter related? I do have a persecutor alter who has attempted to  k me, dreams of dying may be from him?

Yes the cycle thing sure gets me down, I wonder if the next cycle bottom is the end? We have just bought a 12 week old border collie puppy, he is a bundle of joy, this is the best thing that could have happened for me at this point.

hope your well too ❤️

[destructive]

I'm not sure where to post and don't really have anyone to tag but I'm not doing so good. I just don't feel right, it's hard to explain. I'm sick of living with this consuming sense of dread. I don't even know what I'm dreading it's just there. I have 2 little kids and I feel like a horrible mum. I have no one. I'm sure people will suggest suppoets but that isn't what I need because it's fleeting (only for the hour appointment or whatever) and an illusion because none of them actually walk life with you. It feels too much.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @destructive,

I really feel for you and understand how you are feeling. Many years ago when my children were young I also had a feeling of dread but I couldn't really put my finger on about what it was I was dreading. I felt like I was constantly living in a heightened state, always on alert and my anxiety was pretty intense.

Are you able to speak to your GP about this? I can only go off my own lived experience but they way I overcame these feelings was through the help of counselling and my GP. 

I have sent you an email to privately check in with you so please keep an eye out for it and respond when you can. 

Having little kids is tiring enough let alone when you have such overwhelming feelings. I'm not quite sure going of what you have said how little your children are so I have included this link to PANDA in case it may be of any use PANDA. I am sure you are a great mum - being a mum, particularly to small children is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I think you should give yourself more credit and be kind to yourself. We all can only do the best we can.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather 

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @destructive I wanted to pop in and offer my support. I have 2 little ones and I know that feeling that you're not good enough and horrible. It sounds like you're completely exhausted and burnt out. It's such a hard place to be and I don't have the answers cause sometimes it's just time. How old are your little ones? 

[destructive]

My little ones are 3 and 8 months. Yes, I'm exhausted! I'm a solo mum so it's just me. I don't know if it's part of my dissociation or something different but I'm very sensory sensitive and my 3 year old is very loud and fast and sometimes I just can't cope with his noise and the nosie in my head and a I snap. 

I do/did have a therapist but in the new year Medicare will reset (I had reached my threshold) and I'll be back to paying $100 out of pocket which is just not doable for me. 

I don't know if the dread is about parenting, but it makes it harder. I need a break but the reality is it is going to be a very very long time before I have any sense of that. 

[Paperdaisy]

The noise they create is something else isn't it @destructive I'm so sorry, that's such a hard place to be in without support. You need time out, to fill your own cup too. Are you part of a parenting group, like a 'mothers group'. I used to help out a solo mum by taking her little one sometimes so she could do adult things. There are people out there who want to help, maybe it's just a case of finding them 💝

[MySunrise]

Hi @destructive,

It’s been a while hey. Glad you reached out for support. 
What you’ve been sharing brings memories of when I was in that space, it was long ago and I wasn’t even aware of my trauma let alone my dissociation. That sensory sensitivity is so hard as is that dread and being all alone. I remember thinking I’d never get through it. 
I agree with everyone’s suggestions of places to reach out. I know with the coming shut down over Christmas of most supports networks can also be the most hardest time.
Another idea could be to reach out to Salvos and Vinnies? They helped me with the this time of year often. Asking for help can be so intimidating and hard but honestly it got me through some very dark times. 
Keep reaching out here, I’ll be around to share space with you. Ask away and I’ll try to answer.