Is my psychologist right?...

[MJG017]

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@Dimity wrote:

If you're after tools and techniques for coping  perhaps linking with a community of survivors might help more than your psychologist. 

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I have tried that.  I've been to a few support groups.  The problem with prostate cancer is most men with it are in their 70s and 80s, retired, not looking to have families, don't have 30 or 40 years ahead of them and generally had treatment 15 or 20 years ago and have been stable ever since, so the groups seem more like a social group to them.  Don't get me wrong, most of them are really nice guys and helpful to a degree, but never experienced the different challenges a cancer diagnosis in the 40s or 50s.

A friend (in the same position as me) and I even started a support group this year aimed at guys in their 40s and 50s with prostate cancer and has been very successful so far, and they all said they had been looking for a group exactly like that.

But the issue is, and I guess it's a bit of a 'guy' thing... there seems to be a lot of pressure to be handling everything in your stride.  It's probably a bit of a 'me' thing as well, in that I feel like I can only say I'm really struggling so many times to guys going through the same thing (although with varying degrees of advancement and aggressiveness) but all seeming to be handling it much better than I am.  ether some of them are just acting or just don't want to talk about the 'bad things' I don't know.

I find talking to them a big help, as I hope they find my support helpful to them.  But I do feel that pressure to put on that 'brave face' like the rest of them.  They basically seem to be in to groups... those who are less advanced than I am or have had more successful treatments and those (few) who are more advanced and have already had most treatments fail.  The first group don't have to worry about the same advanced treatments I'm having so they have more reason to be more optimistic at the moment. And the other group (all two of them) are resigned to the fact there's not much left that can be done and just say they've accepted it and are just getting on with life. All god advice, but i'm sort of stuck in the middle of both groups.  I think this is why I liked talking to a professional about it, because I felt I could tell them all the things that were troubling me and how difficult I was finding to accept anything and put things out of my mind.  Which is probably the main issue and why I find it so difficult to find someone to help... there probably is nothing anyone can say.  I just need to accept the situation and find some peace with it.  But no matter what I try, I just can't.  Maybe it is something only I can fix. 

I just don't know why anyone can't understand how difficult i'm finding it to make some sort of peace with the situation.  It doesn't help that every time I start to, wham!  A bad result, a new treatment and a new situation to make peace with.  I think that last sentence is they key.  I hadn't really thought about it that way until I wrote it.  I'm trying to accept the current situation but at the same time, terrified that a new worse situation is on the way.  And like the other changes due to bad results, the next change wont be that far away either.  

Thanks for listening.  I hope you're cheaper than my last psychologist.

[tyme]

I wonder if peer support here on the forums can be a form of support for you at this time too? @MJG017 

I know peer support played a huge role in my recovery. 

I think with a psychologist, it's about having particular skills that you want to work on. Could you get another 10 sessions on a MHCP next year and revisit again? Maybe a break will be helpful? 

You know best. 

I'm just throwing thoughts out there.

I completed just over 18 months of Mentalisation based therapy. These were twice weekly sessions (group and individual). At the conclusion of therapy, I didn't feel ready at all to 'do it alone'. The proceeding 6 months after the discharge were one of the hardest but most valuable months of my life. It was a time where I couldn't rely on a 'walking stick' anymore, but I had to practice the skills I learnt through MBT. 

@MJG017 , growth is hard. It can be painful. But in the end, for me, it was worth it.

[MJG017]

@tyme  I do find the support here extremely helpful.  If i'm feeling down, then I can come one here and even if I'm just replying to some posts and not even just trying to help someone else, just helps me as well.  Just a reminder that i'm not completely alone I guess.

The issues with the new psychologist is that because of costs, I can't see him very often.  I have my next one booked for a month, and it can be a struggle to get through that until the next appointment.  I will definitely use the 10 MHCP visits next year, but I have to space them out there otherwise they run out too quickly.  Even once a month doesn't last the year.  It's just frustrating.  While I disagree with most of what my last psychologist said, and possible the motivations behind it, maybe she was right and I do need to take a break and try to work on things myself.  It's just that I did that for just over 50 years and the results were... less than optimal.

I think listening to and chatting with the clinical psychologist at the support group hasn't really helped my mood today.  It sounded like a lot of what I was looking for and like it would be really helpful, even with MHCP visits next year, the service is still very expensive. Again, it's frustrating.  To know there's a service out there that seems so suitable for my needs but is financially out of reach, doesn't exactly help the self esteem and I start getting hard on myself again.  I'd love to drive a Ferrari as well, but that's not happening and I don't dwell on that so I try to think the same about all the services that I'd like to try but can't afford.  It just doesn't seem the same or very fair a lot of the time.  So i just keep plugging away and trying what I can.

[tyme]

Is there a multi-disciplinary team you can seek support from so it is not only a psych?

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this to you yet, but when I was unwell, I had an art therapist, group therapy, individual therapy, case management, peer support worker, psycho-social worker, 2 psychologists...

This meant I could move from service to service throughout the year and still feel supported. 

There are various online services as well such as This Way Up https://thiswayup.org.au/ 

[Owlunar2]

Hi @MJG017 

You are dealing with cancer and adoption issues  - that is a huge deal  - you are entitled to professional help with all of this - and it's not your fault if your therapist isn't up to the task  - I know you feel badly but there is no need for that

Cancer is really tough  - I can't add much to that  - adoption though  - I do know  - my son was adopted and it seems to me that he was tormented by it. Professional help from the right person could help

Maybe try the Adoption Information Service  - it could be a place to start 

Never feel you are not entitled to help  - and this person saying you were using it as a crutch  - so inappropriate 

I'm sorry you have had such a raw deal  - you deserve better 

All the best 

Owlunar 

[MJG017]

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@tyme wrote:

Is there a multi-disciplinary team you can seek support from so it is not only a psych?

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@tyme  I think that's the frustrating thing... they probably are services like that out there, but the cost becomes an issue.  Like speaking to that clinical psychologist last week at the support group, the services she talked about that Lift provides sounds amazing.  Psychology, physiotherapy, exercise, dietetics all aimed at supporting someone with prostate cancer.  It sounds perfect!... until you look up the cost 😞

I feel like I wasted my 10 MHCP visits this year trying someone who wasn't right for me.  If whoever I use them on next year turns out to be unhelpful again... another year wasted.

I will check out This Way Up, maybe that will be an option for me.  Thanks.

[MJG017]

Thanks @Owlunar2.  I know every thing you said is correct, but thing's don't turn out and those inner doubts start to rise up again.  Even just last night I was thinking that I need to stop talking about how difficult I'm finding it dealing with all of this with people.  Except where I need to, like a psychologist, or here.  I'm just so tired of being open and honest, just to be repeatedly told I just need to accept things and get on with life.  Even in cancer support groups!  Now that one makes me really feel like it's just a problem with me and no one else, and i'm just being weak.  I do begin to wonder if it's a lot more common but I'm just the only one being honest about struggling so much.  I really don't know which one it is.

'Tormented' feels like a really good word for adoption.  I know some people seem to deal with it a lot better than others.  My one younger brother was also adopted.  Him and I, two adopted children grew up in the same house, same parents.  But he seems to deal with it so much better.  He always had friends, was always out with other people.  He always seemed far more outgoing, confident and popular than me.  And now he's married, has kids, a great job while that always seemed so unachievable to me.  He did act out a lot as a kid and was always in trouble.  While I was always quiet, kept to myself and was well behaved.  Maybe he just got it out of his system.  Has your son found any peace with it?  I hope he's doing well now.  It's not an easy thing to deal with for a lot of us.  I wish there was a support group for adoptees!

I do have an appointment with PASS (post adoption support service) later this week.   I contacted them about 3 months ago when I found out about the idea of insecure attachment styles and from what I read seemed to describe me quite accurately.  It was recommended I talk to them when I first got my adoption records 3 years ago.  So I re-contacted them asking if they had a service that could possibly help me with this and they said yes, but there's quite a wait.  So finally, I have my first appointment Wednesday morning.  I'm looking forward to it... kind of... it's going to bring up a lot of stuff and I don't know how I'm going to handle that, but feel like after more than 50 years I need to! 

Thanks for you post, it really helps to hear that my doubts over some of the things I've experienced have not been totally my fault.  The crutch (and making her feel bad for not helping me) thing blew my mind and at that point I was just ready to just go back to never talking to anyone about my issues ever again.  When I told my partner, she was quit angry and said I should make a complaint as it could have severe consequences for someone in a more fragile state than I am, so I did feel like it wasn't just me who found it inappropriate quite quickly after the appointment... which helped me stopping my mood spiraling much further... which it was quite quickly at the time.

[Owlunar2]

Hi @MJG017 

Thanks for your honest and thoughtful answer - yes - after 50 years it is time to sort some things out - I am glad you are going to PASS - this will take time - I understand this - adoption is a tough issue - some people deal with it quickly and other people suffer anguish. I really understand this.

And cancer - that isn't something for anyone to be glib about - stuffing acceptance down your throat isn't really going to help. You do need to find that but in your own time on your own journey. Your psychologist let you down there and other people? - some people may have accepted it - others are keeping their story to themselves - it takes time to figure it all out.

Eventually we do have to find acceptance - I have been thinking for some time about my reply to you - during this time I thought of the prayer taught at AA - and although I have never had that kind of experience - I love the prayer - it goes something like this.

God give me the courage to change what I can - the grace to accept what I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference. You may overcome your cancer - you can't change the fact of your adoption and wisdom - ah - wisdom - let me tell you a bit of my story.

I first prayed for wisdom in my early 30's - maybe that was the only time - I started getting it that day and still - 50 years later I am still finding it and more. My life has not been easy but it has been worthwhile. I have been challenged and kicked against my fate often enough to have let go and gone with sorting out what I could change or not. 

And in the last 18 months or so - I have found acceptance. So - it takes time - - it has been a journey - I learned though experience, time, pain and loss - there were times when my situation in life was not accepted by people we might imagine would care. There were wonderful people too - and things happened I would not have thought about. I stopped trying to please people and stopped worrying about what other people thought. I have ghosted people who have been vexatious - which might should selfish. But it's not - it's realistic.

Putting ourselves first puts us in the best position to help other people. And through grace I have. It doesn't happen overnight - trial and error - patience - getting up and brushing my bruised spirit off and starting again.  We don't need to feel guilty or as if we failed. Or lack value. We learn and go on - and in your 50s - it's a really good time to start.

And that psychologist - if she has hurt you she has hurt others and will do the same again. I agree with your partner on this - it will do you good to be proactive about it. It's not as easy thing to do but I have done this sort of thing. It's worthwhile

About my son - he never found peace on earth - he took his own life 38 years ago - I am sure he is at peace now. It was hard and something I had to accept and in time - I did. People tried to hurry me out of my grief - I encourage you always to give yourself time. Now I accept his death and respect his decision and I have been set free. I have also accepted that I have chronic arthritic pain and managed to forgive my mother for her unwise behaviour toward me - she died with regret - no one should have to do that - now I see her for the unhappy person she was

So - you can see you are not alone - everyone is different - we all carry our bundle as long as it's a problem - and it gets easier as we do accept it. Don't let people take it away from you - it's yours and you have the right to feel the way you do about it.

Life is a journey and we learn as we go - it can be wonderful and I wish you all the best

Keep in touch

Owlunar

[Owlunar2]

Hi @MJG017 

I am sending you a link for a support group for adoptees only - I hope this works for you

I tried to send a link but it's not for this website so try Australian Adult Adoptees Support

- this group has over 900 members and for privacies sake I have not checked it out

All the best

Owlunar

[tyme]

@MJG017 ,

Just keep looking. There must be something available.

I've never paid for any of my treatment and support except for 2 psych sessions, and even then it was only $30 or something like that.

I've always had all my support in the public health system where I was referred to a multidisciplinary team. 

If I come across anything else, I'll let you know. 

At this stage in life, I don't need many medical supports, but I still have access to a lot of community programs. These are all free as well. They are all through my local neighbourhood house e.g. sports, craft, woodwork, coffee, dance, gym membership, pool membership... once again, these are all free of cost. 

I wonder if your council have anything like this?