Hello,
I thought I would post my personal battles over the years as a sufferer of Intermittent Explosive Disorder.
Maybe my experience with this disorder can help someone who has been newly diagnosed as a sufferer or a teenager exhibiting symptoms of violent outbursts, and/or sudden physical assault on others who are close to them.
As it is predominantly recognised in a person who fails to control recurring aggressive and impulsive outbursts, it is a disorder that can have devastating consequences for the sufferer and the receiver of their sudden anger.
Unfortunately, the ones who become the victims of the one who has Intermittent Explosive Disorder are the people closest to them, usually family members, such as siblings and children...but mostly the partners of the sufferers (if they are older than a teenager)
From my own personal knowledge and experience of this disorder I will post the truth as I have lived it personally.
Sufferers can be separated into 2 main categories.
[1] angry outbursts resulting in damage and/or destruction of personal property...possessions, either belonging to them or someone else...or both.
[2] angry outbursts resulting in the physical assaults on other people.
Some sufferers can be prone to doing both.
Unfortunately, I attacked people.
I cannot really describe the feelings I felt as I assaulted someone.
Afterwards, the extreme guilt and disgust I experienced was horrible enough and I can remember that regret like it happened yesterday but the aggressive act itself, I don't recall any other emotion except intense rage...though in saying that, the reason I had become enraged in each incident, I have no clue...I don't remember what set me off in any of the incidents, which is pretty strange because I remember the attacks and the resulting regret.
The assaults did not result in any real physical injuries, such as broken bones or black eyes but the people I attacked have told me afterwards that it was the sudden intense fear they experienced during the attack that was the worst for them...because of the lack of any warning signs beforehand and the extreme level of ferocity I exhibited as it was occuring.
In my case, these attacks lasted less than a minute each time and occured maybe twice a month in the beginning and increasing more frequently but also decreasing just as frequently, meaning there was no set pattern to the timing of attacks which I guess the term "intermittent" is used to describe the regular irregularities.
I hope that makes sense to the readers.
So yeah, the attacks were not as damaging or memorable as the actual feelings of fear they felt.
The ones I assaulted were my younger sister, close friends and a few times, a couple of my children when they were pretty young...if I remember, they were between 5 and 8 years old, maybe.
They were not babies or toddlers, they were school age but I remember nearly all the attacks on my kids happened because they were chucking their own tantrum at the time, screaming at me over something that I considered to be disrespectful towards me and out of line for a child towards their parent.
Their attacks involved open hand slaps to their legs and arms repeatedly, the result being obvious child abuse, just for the number of hits they received (maybe between a dozen to two dozen slaps)
(My children told me years later it never really hurt because I hit them mostly on their clothing, it was my rage that had them scared and crying.)
After each attack, I would hug them, sobbing & apologizing over & over again but looking back even attacking them in retaliation of them being disrespectful...they were not really even being disrespectful...they were just normal argumentative pre-teen kids.
Making the whole punishment worse because I could not control my aggression, even for their just talking back to me inside their own tantrums.
My children are almost grown now, the youngest being 15 years old and way too cool to hang around his mother these days lol.
The experts say that this disorder calms itself down more and more the older you get, and I suppose thats true in my own experience...I am 45 years old now and I havent exploded in anger for maybe 2 years give or take, and its the longest calm so far between each storm.
Yes, I might be less effected as Im getting older, or maybe its just the fact that my kids are not the triggers anymore...they have their own lives now they are older, and I don't need to look after them anymore...and with no current partner, I have nobody around to enrage me.
I believe as long as there are people around to trigger the outbursts, they will always happen...time occurring and the lengths of absent attacks are unknown and cannot be charted for future reference and you cannot learn a lesson from any attack...the inability to stop the rage before it occurs is impossible and you cant tone down the ferocity of the anger you're feeling at the time.
You feel just as helpless in controlling any of it from the first time it happens till the final time.
There is medication to help with the outbursts and also therapy sessions on training the brain to resist any triggers and learning how to act calmly in future situations.
Myself?...personally?...I took no medications nor did I attend anger therapy sessions.
Mainly because I just didn't have the time when my children were younger.
Life too busy, and I just couldnt put in the amount of effort and frequency that was needed to maybe change the outcome back then...constant and ongoing appointments for probably, the rest of my life, was something I couldn't commit to indefinitely.
How did I get it?...they say it is a combination of genetics and environmental factors which begins the disorder...environmental factors being, a traumatic childhood or childhood experience can cause it to manifester itself later on.
That wasnt the case for me...I had a pretty good childhood, I was pretty happy all the time as a kid and my upbringing was normal and uneventful when it comes to anything bad or dangerous ever happening to me...but my biological father was an abusive alcoholic that was ruled by rage his entire life, from what i have been told by extended relatives and by my own mother, (who he frequently beat up in fits of drunken rage)
Thankfully she had left the violence before I was born so it was never a part of my life...I have just inherited the condition from my father genetically...no environmental factors or childhood trauma was responsible for my having it.
Thats about everything covered and Ive spoken about all of it, except each of the individual attacks which I couldnt do even if I wanted to (which I dont)
I dont think I could recall them all anyhow so yeah...
The only other thing that needs mentioning is the effect it had on me regarding personal relationships...when I was younger and the disorder was much more active.
The moment after I assaulted my younger sister when I had my first outburst at 19 years old and she was just 12...was the end of our sisterly relationship, and that was about 27 years ago...she kept far away from me and I did not really care at all...we have not had any kind of relationship since then and have never been a part of each other's lives...she does not know any of my children and I have two neices whom I have never met.
The outcome is a sad one because there is no extended family on my side that my kids are a part of and I have made no effort in bridging the gap.
Each partner I have had over the years has gone their seperate way, mainly because of the constant anger they were the recipients of...although they each also had a hand in the failure of the relationship, as they were not good partners for me, each for different reasons...still, my anger played more than a 50% part in destroying any love which was there early on.
And i can admit that as the truth.
Also Intermittent Explosive Disorder has been the cause of good friendships breaking apart and as a result, I do not have anyone I can say 100% is my friend.
I know alot of people who I see as just associates, even people I have known for over 20 years.
None I can say are my friends.
Again, that also doesnt bother me...and even if I didnt suffer from this disorder, I believe I still wouldn't call anyone friends, as I am an introvert and distrustful of most people anyway.
I dont care if I am alone at the end of each day and I dont dwell on what I cannot change.
Even the loss of my little sister.
I only mention this last part to let others know (who might one day lose close relationships as a result of Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and they may care so much more just because they are a people person and naturally love humans and their company)
And LAST but not least...my life in general has been lived every single day with some form of anger surfacing from inside me.
It has been bearable some days but some days have crippled me in every way possible
My life has been lived with around 85% anger and I mean constantly, every day...it is exhausting and stressful beyond the aggressive outbursts.
Honestly, being an angry person for all of your life, every single day is what has pushed me down, and held me down.
Anger creates pathways for depression, hopelessness...anxiety...self-loathing and fits of crying and sadness almost as frequent as the anger.
When you've scared everyone away because of explosions of rage, it can send you to despair and even thoughts of suicide at your worst.
85% anger/rage...10% of numbness and feelings of loneliness and the last 5% I have felt normal and even somewhat happy & care free with no trouble on the horizon.
Not good results...and rarely easy days where I have enjoyed just being alive
I have made too many mistakes, too many bad decisions in the fallouts of each bout of abuse...too many days spent in self-loathing and self-pity equally.
I am dormant these days, and anger does not rule my very existence any more...but I am so far from happiness still and I still have no clear path of redemption...i have no plan in which to take control of my life and steer it forward into a better future...I just don't know how to change it.
Hopefully I can work it out for myself one day and maybe one day i can get on this site and tell everybody that I actually know and have experienced true peace and happiness.
But don't hold your breaths...as you would quickly suffocate if relying on that one wish of mine to set me free.
Thank you all for letting me share xx
