Childhood sexual abuse affecting my marriage

[Pistachi0]

Happened to me at 15 y.o. with my mother's husband (technically stepdad since I was 5 y.o but will never use the term now)

In my early 20s i tried to look for support (i was in a 3rd world country so mental support is not really a thing) while I was living with them and I remember getting a reply about getting the hell out there ASAP and how I was just making up excuses not to leave because of fear and denial. It got stuck in my mind until I had the opportunity to get the hell out of that shthole.

Now im 29, married to a kind and loving man, & we're now living in a new country. THINKING MY PAST TRAUMA WON'T AFFECT ME, and I will be safe and sound. But I was wrong. 

Me and my husband tend to be in fights because of my anger issues (must've been unhealed traumas inside me or idk which is why i need support) and I think "anger issues" is just an understatement, i just dont know whats going on inside me. Every day that passes, I can see how it affects my husband, and now he thinks I'm a ticking timebomb. When I'm calm and neutral, I can be the best wife for him (and he even says it out loud) but when I'm at my worst, everything just falls into pieces.

We just had a recent fight and after some reflections, I notice a pattern. Flashbacks every fcking day or night (even when me and hubby is in bed) and then I get sad and lonely, I have suicidal thoughts.... for a few days straight before the fight, and when a small inconvenience happens. booom.... I get angry and irritable and there goes the fight where I blame it all on him and expect him to turn the flames down; and when it doesn't happen, i turn into a monster. 

I just want to heal.

[Ru-bee]

Hello @Pistachi0 

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that. I can't imagine the strength it must have taken to recognise what had happened and get yourself out of there.

The hard thing about trauma is that it stays with us. We can be in a different country in a wonderful safe home, but the effects of our experiences follow us. It sounds as though you've done a really good job of caring for yourself and building a secure and loving relationship, and now it may be time to take the next step and address your trauma in a safe and supportive professional environment - Is this something that you've ever looked into before?

You don't have to work this out on your own, I'm really glad that you've been able to reach out here for support. There are other free services that specialise in this area that can help as well by providing support, information and counselling: 

BlueKnot 1300 657 380

Brave Hearts 1800 272 831

1800Respect 1800 737 732

Thank you for sharing your story here, it takes a lot of courage to reach out like this

[SkySeeker22]

Hi @Pistachi0 

Welcome to the forums. And thank you for being so brave and sharing your story here with us.

Trauma can affect us in different ways mentally and physically and anger is a totally normal part of this. The upheaval of your life to another country, while you were thinking you would be safe and sound, is a stressful thing, and this stress may be the reason you are reacting in this way.

Does your husband know what happened to you?  If so have you been able to share with him what is happening for you with the lead up to these anger outbursts?

The resources that @Ru-bee shared are great places to start, but it might also be good for you if you were able to talk to your GP about this and they would be able to recommend a treatment plan that is suitable for you (psychologist, psychiatrist, support group, medication, etc). They can also use screening tools that can give them information so you don't need to go into a lot of detail about specific things that have happened to you if you are not comfortable in sharing with them.

I hope you find the support you need here on the forums

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[MJG017]

Welcome to the forum @Pistachi0, and thank you for sharing your story.  You've done so well and shown such great strength to get where you are now.

I think you only mistake was to think the trauma wont affect you.  It wouldn't be trauma if it didn't.  Now that you see how it is affecting you you can start to work on it by getting some support and even some professional help.  No one can deal with these sort of issues alone.  I'm sure you can start to heal, you've already proved that with what you've done already.  There just will always probably be some part of that trauma with you. It's just going to take time and a lot of support.  Make sure your husband knows how you feel and how you have all these small things triggering you.  The better he understands, the more he can help to support you.  Like I said, no one can do this alone.  Plus it can take a long time to learn fully trust people again. 

Take care of yourself and know there people here to listen and support you. 

[Tilz]

Hi @Pistachi0  sorry to hear that. Its really a hard feeling but give it a thought. you have got a lovely husband. Try to forget your past. its gone now and don't make it a cause for your future. Make your mind calm during such situation . Think how you are blessed to have such a lovely husband.