05-07-2024 07:29 PM
05-07-2024 07:29 PM
I'm currently just over having to grieve over and over again.
My heart just keeps getting broken.
Please don't be nasty to me from a choice I already regret as I'll have to live with the consequences for ever.
The last 3 years has been unbelievably tough and it just seems that I keep loosing people I give my heart to and much more. Over 3 years ago I had my own business for 5 years and burnt our from overworking, and injuries. My relationshipship of 7 years, we were married broke down as well. This was when covid happenedas well. We owned a house togetherand we planning on having children. We were doing a house extension preparing. I worked my arse off until burnout. I was also waiting on a pay out from getting hit by a car , hense the injuries. That settlementwas going on for years and years. Anywaythe marriage broke down because i wanted children amd he didnt. n, i lost my husband, my dream of the family I wanted with him, my house and businessand had to move back into my parents with no income. From there my world just kept getting through teally big hurdles. My ex husband absolutelyripped me off with settlement and courts would laugh at the amount that i was given, but i wasjust to stressed to deal with the back and forth. I met someone in this meant time trying to fill a void and he had a child. This was way too early to be moving on. That didn't workout and my world shattered more. I started to to get my business up and running again to focus on that then I got another injury. I moved into my own place finally and then this lady kickand things I thought were looking up. This injury got worse as my job was physically demanding and I ended up having to give my business up after 2 years. I'd never lived on my own and things got really hard. I got insomnia from the pain in my injury and stress from having to give up my business again after just getting it solid. I decided to study and just work with my mum and use savings until I could find a new path.. 5 months after moving into my own place I met someone who was from France travelling around and just thought it would be a fling until he went back to France 6 weeks later. We hit it off really well and decided to become an item and he move here for me. I struggled alot waiting for his return of 2 months. He finally got back and we had a lovely month and we fell pregnant, i thought long and hard about it and talked to him about it and he seemed 50/50. . This was really stressful . And I told him I wanted to have a baby with him. He also freaked out and didn't want it. This absolutely shattered my heart like nothing before and I chose not to keep it him and to support him. The medical procedure went horribly wrong and I got sick having to have surgery 3 times. Nearly getting sepsis. I wanted to die with my baby. And I tormented myself ever since. This whole time trying to move forward I kept getting taken into emergency for surgery. I got more traumatised each time. I lost trust in myself and I was collapsing and becoming unconscious from all the stress everytime we'd fight. I was trying to study in the mean time and had a lot of pressure from that and just got a new job as an AIN. We kept fighting and fighting and he was lying about a few things that I found out as well. We kept trying and trying but the fights got worse as my resentment towards him grew. Coming up a year and I was learning French to meet his family. It's only been 4 months since the last operation. He's already had 2 jobs since arriving here. He just got a new one 6 weeks ago and wants to go back to France to see his family. He hadn't organised tickets or accommodation even though I kept asking months prior. As I'm still healing and being in a foreign country with non of his family speaking English I asked for a unit by ourselves so I could recharge. 2 weeks before he wants to go he hasn't booked anything. Its a wedding with all his family, he wants to party and didn't listen to any of my requests. I said if we do not book today I'm not coming. He left it until he knew I was upset then we went to book and I just this overwhelming feeling and said no. I asked if we could please just meet his parents, brother and grandparents this time around instead of everyone. And I didn't want him to leave me behind. I'm feeling really sensitive. And said no I'm boycotting his family and he chose to without me. I broke up with him as I just feel so broken hearted and not supported or listened to no matter how much I try express my needs. I just needed this support after everything thats happened and I wanted to meet his family too as he knows mine. I'm just so broken hearted because I seem to support my partner but I don't get the same back. He quit his job after 6 weeks, his car was about to die and he would of had no job to come back to. We were over a year together but this absolutely destroyed me in this short amount of time. But I've come to the conclusion I'll do IVF once I'm feeling healed and my strong self. I have so much love to give and just giving it to the wrong men.
05-07-2024 07:31 PM
05-07-2024 07:31 PM
TW: SI
I ended up in hospital from a mental breakdown and just about to commit suicide after the 3rd operation.
05-07-2024 07:56 PM
05-07-2024 07:56 PM
Ohhh @Hopefulsoul ,
I just want to wrap my arms around you and tell you it will be okay.
I'm sorry to hear things have been so tough. It sounds like you have been through the mill.
Thank you for sharing.
Please know you are not alone. I am ready and waiting to walk this way with you.
05-07-2024 08:00 PM
05-07-2024 08:00 PM
@tyme thank you. I've been trying so hard but just keep getting pushed down and not supported by the ones I love the most.
05-07-2024 08:02 PM
05-07-2024 08:02 PM
@tyme he goes back overseas tomorrow for good. Requested to see me yo say goodbye. We're being amicable, but why see me? To break my heart one more time?
05-07-2024 08:12 PM
05-07-2024 08:12 PM
This is so raw. I'm sorry it's so hard. Do what you feel is right and good for you. I'll support you in whatever decision you make @Hopefulsoul
I didn't realise this was still ongoing. Like, happening right now...
I hear how much you must be hurting.
05-07-2024 08:19 PM
05-07-2024 08:19 PM
@tyme yes, I broke up with him Monday and he's leaving tomorrow. I'm at my parents place for him to organise his things and go back overseas
05-07-2024 08:55 PM
05-07-2024 08:55 PM
Oh hun. Allow yourself to grieve. It's okay to grieve and there's no right or wrong way to do it. It is totally understandable you are feeling this way @Hopefulsoul
I'm also thinking what his thinking is in that he wants to see you before he leaves. Is it so he can give you a piece of his mind? Is it to win you back? You know best. These are just things I'm thinking.
We are here no matter what you decide.
05-07-2024 09:00 PM
05-07-2024 09:00 PM
@tyme yes maybe. But so he can just pack up and leave whenever he wants without considering me in the decisions. That's also what my friend and mother said. So he can leave the door open, he goes away and does what he wants while leaving me here broken. It's unfair. Thank you for being here
05-07-2024 09:07 PM
05-07-2024 09:07 PM
Hugs. It sounds like you deserve better. @Hopefulsoul
How I see it is that there's no point people telling you what you should've, could've or would've done. We are here to support you with what you are now experiencing.
I absolutely hear you and want to see you through this so that you can fulfil your dream of being a parent.
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