Am I a terrible Mother?

[Mary55]

I gave my 19 year old an ultimatum which resulted in her leaving home. I asked her to either stop treating me like dirt or leave and she's left. I'm really heartbroken and feel I've failed as a Mother but at the same time the way she was treating me was so bad that I'm partly relieved she's gone! I feel I've always put her first for 19 years and her future is looking so bright because she's made it to Uni and I'm really happy for her. But she's met this new guy and since they met she's been totally obnoxious to me and I was already feeling incredibly drained by her. With no support and a single Mum I feel i've reached my limit of what I could do for her and what I could take. I realised that any person wether it's a teenager or anyone else constantly putting you down starts to erode your self-esteem eventually. I know I've been a good Mother to her not perfect but pretty good. I know I did the best I possibly could. It just hurts so much that it's turned out like this. Maybe she will change and we can mend our relationship down the track. Also do people think it's normal that a kid has almost zero empathy for their parent? I'm just seeing this extreme cold heartedness with her and wondering if that's normal or not? Because I'm not like that and my Mother was a narcissist and so was her Father who I had to flee from who almost killed me. I feel like everyone is just judging me like I kicked my child out I didn't! I gave her a choice and she chose to not treat me with the respect I deserve. Honestly..can someone please tell me if I did the wrong thing? How was I supposed to get through to her that speaking to me like I'm dirt all the time was not ok??

[babyshark]

hey @Mary55 welcome to the SANE forums!

I am a moderator here but just wanted to say thanks for joining us and if you want to you can also post in Re: Welcome! Introduce yourselfi here 🙂 

Anyway I hope that you find the support you need here, people eventually reply but you can also jump in on other discussions in Re: Welcome to the Friends, Family and Carers Forum! Introduce yourself here 🙂 

Thanks for posting. And for what it's worth, I was very selfish at 19, and didn't realise all my mum did for me till I moved out and just eventually called her and said sorry. It could be this time of life. Keeping the door open but boundaries firm seems like a good way to go, and take care of yourself!!

best, Babyshark

[Snowie]

Hi @Mary55 

You certainly are not a terrible mother. I have a 19 year old too and would give her an ultimatum if she wasn't respecting me. I do think it might be a big wake up call for her. They don't realise how good they have it until it's gone.

It's also about putting you first and your mental health first.  

[defaultusername]

Hi @Mary55,

Welcome to the Forum, and thank you for sharing with us.

I'm sorry that you were put in this situation and are feeling this way. I do agree with @babyshark — I was terrible at 19 (it can be a rough age) and didn't treat my mother with the respect she deserves, which I really regret. I also agree with @Snowie, that you are certainly not a terrible mother — you simply set a healthy boundary and that's a positive step towards protecting yourself in hope that she will learn and grow from this.

I hope that you can see the strength in what you did, because it takes a lot of courage to assert ourselves and prioritise our own wellbeing.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

[Mary55]

Thankyou so much Babyshark. Hopefully you're right and it's just a stage for her too🙂

[Mary55]

Thanks Snowie, it's good to hear. Thankyou. I hope so too. It's so hard teaching them to value what they are being given and maybe this is how she'll learn it. 

[Mary55]

Thanks you're very kind. I think you might be right. It probably was the right thing to do. Praying she will learn and grow from this.

[MJG017]

Hi @Mary55, welcome to the forum.  Im not sure why your daughter is behaving like that and I'm not sure I'd call it normal.  But I don't see it as you k#cked her out.  You laid out a very reasonable boundary with her behaviour and she made her decision.  Allowing her to continue behaving the way she was is not doing either of you any favours.  Hopefully its just a spur of the moment decision made in anger and she will soon see that and you both can talk about it.  There's nothing wrong with continuing to reach out to her, while still enforcing that boundary on how you will be treated. 

Make a bit of a break from each other will prove to be beneficial for you both.  Maybe she's just feeling a lot of pressure with uni and this new guy in her life... who knows.  But try not to let it affect your self esteem.... as painful as it is right now it is a refection of your daughter (and maybe her state of mind at the moment) and not as you as a person or a mother.